Wanting to be "good" vs being a "goodist"

What is the difference, if anything, between wanting to be "good" vs being a "goodist"? We all have Id desires to be selfish, and Super Ego desires to reign ourselves in. Within all of us there is a cognitive dissonance as the two sides of ourselves vie for dominance with our Ego. Everyone has this conflict without having TMS. What is our problem?

 

That is our nature.

For example, we want to feel differentiated from others, yet we all have a need to connect to others. If we become too connected, we feel we are losing our ourselves. If we become to differentiated, we feel lonely and want to connect. So we all have those opposing needs and wants.

Goodists are people who put the needs and desires of others before their own. They have a hard time saying, "No!" Do they do say yes to help others and be good or do they do it because of their fear of not being loved? Or do they want to be good due to higher reasons, such as spiritual reasons, out of love for others, a value-driven life, and so on?

I used to be a goodist for both reasons, depending on the situation. I think we all do that to one extent or another. But once I learned about TMS, that was one of the traits I had to change. For example, and I explain this in chapter seven of my book, I could not say no to my parents. I took on too many duties that were breaking my back. Guest what? My TMS started with back pain. So I learned to say no and take the heat. After while they learned they cannot keep pushing me to get what they want and started to ask my other siblings and become more resourceful. I got over my guilt and fear of loss of their love and approval and reduced tension in my life.

I do not agree with your statement that everyone has this conflict without having TMS. What is our problem?

I am yet to meet someone who does not have physical symptoms due to tension. If it's not back pain, it's hay fever, migraine, acid reflux, heart palpitations, eczema, and so on. It is only human to get angry, consciously or subconsciously, and have symptoms. Best thing we can do is to arm ourselves with the knowledge and skills necessary to rise to the occasion to prevent the symptoms or overcome them so that we can live as healthy and happy as possible,

 

Great reply by Fred Amir, his book was one of the first TMS books that I read after Dr. Sarno's and he lays out a very pragmatic step by step program.

To me the transformation from "being a goodist" to doing "good", means having boundaries and not having knee-jerk reactions to societal pressures to autnomically say YES to every demand/request made on us. Fred wrote of how he dealt with the demands made by his parents. For example, my brother likes taking cruises. He suggested it during a family get together and my gf immediately said yes, for the both of us, with seemingly great enthusiasm. She is scared of the water and hates the idea of being on a ship anywhere and has told me that on numerous occasions. So my brother goes out and makes reservations for all of us on a cruise. I'm lukewarm on the idea but could handle it. I prefer road trips and not being around hundreds of people I have no relation to AND there are no cruise ships with tennis courts! Later I asked her why she answered YES for the both of us so enthusiastically and without getting my take on it. She had no good answer--she just has trouble saying NO. This situation put a strain on my relationship with my brother having to cancel the reservations he made for us. It's no crime to say< "Thanks, we'll think about it and get back to you."

We have to take a breath in the TMS sense, and consciously, and thoughtfully decide if we really want to take the action we are being pressured into. Practice saying "NO" first, even if it's only in our minds--take a deep breath--we can always change our mind after some consideration of the request. When you can do "good" because you want to and not because you feel "pressured" into it, you break the autonomically conditioned cycle--you do "good" because you want to and not because you feel you have to or be looked down upon by a judgemental society.

 

thanks