Uuuuuugh / Drawabox

//These last few days have been sooo awful. I've been having fights with everyone and the planes keep soaring because the wind direction isnt changing and im so drained. Its just so draining to constantly have planes above my fucking head. I get awoken at 7 or 8 and i just cant sleep after. I was loving drawing lately but I just cant draw because I draw in the room where planes are loudest. Once more I have such a desire to let go but I'm just feeling so uptight and agitated that I cant do it yet. It would be awesome if i could just be sitting there drawing, completely unbothered by planes. Now the planes are gone and i could draw but im feeling so drained i just cant go studying perspective and geometry and whatever.

I notice how every time im feeling bad, it feels like it will never end. I havent felt this bad in quite a long while. I was thinking this wouldnt happen anymore with my medication. Sadly it was just the perfect storm with just everyone being uptight and the planes and me not being able to wind down at all. I can feel in my eye area the tightness in my eyebrows and cheeks and im trying to unwind once again. I hope tomorrow is gonna be a better day; I need some rest.//

I had this sitting in my drafts two days ago and forgot about it. Well who would've guessed, I'm fine again. I thought this would be worth showing to others who might too be dealing with stuff like this. This is the type of healing that I do feel is actually occurring. I'm almost growing cynical. I need to be careful cause I shouldnt start dismissing myself again. But man... I mean I pretty much cant do things i actually enjoy. I have all these things I want to do, of which I can do none. At some point it is as boring as it is painful.

I started the drawabox course, look it up if youre interested. The first lesson was a TMS lesson pretty much. They addressed the 'getting mad' which is what i was struggling with. They also told us to at most spend 50% of the time studying, and to spend the other 50% with just playing. This is specifically just drawing for the sake of it. Not to create the finest of compositions, but just to put lines on the paper because you feel like it. Getting this as an assignment is exactly what I need. I tend to get caught up with studying theory, when I should just be practically learning. Having fun is hard for me when I feel like I'm doing things wrong.

//'Traditional academics are to blame. They teach us to value grades, to value results, and that anything that does not produce those results is a waste of time. They do this not because it's an efficient strategy to help students learn, they do it because their goal is to push as many students through a factory production line as possible. They do not have the time, nor the resources, to make students the best they can be — and it's not their fault, either. There's just so many students they have to force through.

By taking the time to draw just for the hell of it — that is, not to make something cool to show off, not to learn something, not to improve a skill, not to impress your parents — but just to draw, two things will happen:

• First, and for a while, you'll experience frustration. It won't be fun, as trying to do something and showing yourself that you aren't capable of it rarely is.
  
  
• Over time, you'll find that frustration decreasing, and your willingness to try things that will inevitably result in failure will increase. You'll be more willing to take risks, to experiment, and to explore.
  

The 50% rule, which we introduced in the video above and explain further in the material below, is not about having fun. It's about making drawing something you can eventually enjoy. That is, in spite of the damage traditional academics does to us all. And we achieve that through balance.'//

In the same lesson they then started talking about drawing confidently.


New drawers tend to draw slow and from the wrist, as if that will make the lines any straighter. This does not improve drawings, rather the opposite. Drawing slow makes the lines squiggly and insecure. You can feel the lack of confidence in them. No -- we need to draw bold, and confidently. The assignment was very simple: draw two dots, and connect them with one straight line. Don't however try so hard that youre gonna be slow, also dont sketch and get those ugly skid marks. Just hover over the dots a couple of times, as to simulate the insecurity, but also to grow confident. Then, when you put the pen on the paper, draw with purpose and faith.

I wish I could write in Dutch. I'm actually quite a good writer but i really struggle with writing gripping narratives in english. I just wanted to address this in case someone noticed the lack of coherence.

Edit: I also just found out that that first part wasnt just sitting in my drafts but also on this forum. I actually checked my profile pagebefore to not double post but i must be blind

 

@Mani !
I love this post! I love that you started drawing. Im intrigued by the classes you’re taking. I checked it out. I’ve always wanted to learn how to draw things. Thank you for sharing this!

I think you’re on the right track with pursuing joy. And I would venture a guess that it’s universally a problem for TMSers—we’re too uptight to enjoy things.

As everyone always says on here, “the only way out is through.” I think it’s true with facing pain and doing physical things, But I also think it’s true with facing the “pain” of doing fun things. More and more lately it hits me that I might be destined to have a good and happy life. Can you imagine? We are meant to be happy and we can learn how. We can clean up all this damage and confusion; learn to believe and accept that we are allowed to be happy, And to embrace it. I’m starting to wonder if the back door to healing is exposing yourself to happiness.

 

@Diana-M

Thanks for bringing your everlasting positivity to this thread!!

Y'know, I think about this a lot too. Honestly, I doubt I'm destined to live a happy life. I try new things and I don't really feel as if I run the show; I still feel very much at the mercy of my body.

Just going anywhere and doing a chore I used to hate would be so amazing to me. It's funny how your scope changes when you go through shit. Honestly, it doesnt feel like mundane stuff is ever gonna piss me off again. I'm aware that I'll get used to a happy life and get mad when i have to do 'whatever' again, but any day after beating this should feel like a bonus. I haven't felt so helpless before. Nobody is coming to save me, and I doubt I'll be able to save myself.

In the meantime I just try to make the best of it. I honestly don't have a lot of tricks left up my sleeve. Kinda feels like this is it... I'm starting to come to terms with it, as much as I'd like to see otherwise.

 

That’s the ultimate lesson some of us are privileged to get with TMS. Impossible to even calculate the value of this knowledge in a spiritual sense. When you’re stripped of power, what’s left of you?

It’s not, even if it feels like it.

nobody is coming to save you. And you will be able to save yourself. Don’t believe dark lies.

I think it finally comes down to no tricks. No more “figuring it out.” It’s so exhausting. And misleading. We aren’t really doing it. It happens all by itself. The subconscious gets us in and also gets us out. That’s my latest theory, since I loosened the reigns in trying to “fix” it.

Make a list of everything left in your power to do. Then do some of it. You’ll feel differently. Better. We aren’t in jail. We just have some challenges right now.

you’re very strong. What about your walks?

 

@Diana-M

Lol -- those walks. Well, its on my profile. I tried a walk and suddenly there was an airplane flying over at 200 m height (around 650 feet). Sound wise it was doable cause i could close my ear and that really mutes it a lot but i still left me feeling hopeless. The realization kicks in sometimes that this really does not feel possible at all. I meab Ive tried so many things and sound is just barely getting less loud. People tell me constantly, 'you'll be fine' and i trust that they do think that but just nothing has happened that makes me think I'll be able to beat this.

That is not even taking into account the scenario of me almost being better and then having another noise accident and then not immediately going running into the same problems again. I'm habituating to this feeling though. I feel less pressure to not be the shameful pig of the by the day. Its whatever, I guess. I also start getting less stress about missing out on life compared to peers. If i get back again I definitely wont be -- or shouldnt be -- busy with whatever i have missed compared to whomever. I'll just have to be grateful.

I dunno Diana... I just dont know

 

I get tempted to think this way, too. But I believe that healing is building up under the surface and it will break through at some point.