Update and vacation recap -- wonderful things!

I've been meaning to do a general update since I got back from vacation but you know, life gets lifey especially after being away for 3 weeks and I've had some challenges where my priority was to post for support about those. BUT...

This TMS stuff works. (Yeah duh right?) I really started to try and commit to this work on May 1st. 2 weeks before my vacation which had so much fear around it given how long we were going to be away and how much was going to be expected of me physically (ie, many Disney theme park days and we also took our dog, so like 3 walks a day with him) with the completely reliving my trauma of a year prior when I had to use a mobility scooter there, this was THE TIME I needed to try. Saying "I'm gonna wait to try and run again until we get back just in case X. Y, Z" was just giving into the fear. Now was the time to start running.

So I started very slow, but trying to expose myself to just a little bit of running for most days before we went. My goal was to be able to do a 5k at Fort Wilderness.

And as I had put in a mid-vacation post... I did!

And I continued to do some runs during my vacation, breaking new pace and distance goals since my world came crashing down a year ago. And I was still OK to walk in the parks, walk my dog, go up and down the stairs. I was totally okay to do all of that activity. I didn't break myself. I didn't panic and be like where is my knee sleeve (I do not use any of these things anymore). I was totally fine.

When I got back, I was SO DAMN PROUD of myself. I not only made it through my vacation, I completely thrived during it. Did I have my stupid TMSey times, like when I stepped into the ride vehicle for Winnie the Pooh I felt a twinge and it was obsessively with me all day? Yes. Did I on the last day not do so great because I tripped at Casey's Corner where there in a lip in the floor where they can close it off from the Omporium? Sure. But those were lessons. With the tripping especially I felt my panic rise because, well jeez I wasn't expecting that, and even though I had pain, I was able to consider - okay, is it because I came down on my other leg hard because I tripped, or was it because I almost had a panic attack and expected it? You know it was the second thing.

There was the expected return of symptoms with back to reality. Some "triggering" things that have happened. My conditioned response to my stairs at my house still remains but has weakened.

But I keep plugging away. Last Friday I hit a 10k (!!!) and I did it again a few days later. I have not reached that distance in 18 months.

Today was another run day where I woke up committed to trying even though some Nocebo fear had been put in me a few days ago which was probably my biggest set back since starting this work.

When I was getting ready, I thought to myself, maybe I should go run at X Place today. X Place is the place where I ran my first marathon (and a second one the next year) which is always in July. I did most of my marathon trainings there. I have so many emotions wrapped up there and of course it feels very anniverary-ish. It is also a challenging terrain and one that is a little scary still for me where I am at right now. But I have already done similar. I won't be able to do it ever if I don't try practice. Most important is I WANTED to go and there was NO REASON other than myself and my own fear I couldn't go. So that was the sign I HAD to go.

So I got in the car and start crying as I got close. Fear, sadness, longing for what I used to be, knowing all the difficult hours I had spent at that place but also the hours of bliss and glory. That was the sign that this was the right choice for me to make today.

I went in with what I have been doing the last few weeks (something that had clicked on vacation) that all I need to do with my running now is just stay calm and enjoy it. No distance or pace goals. Continued exposure therapy where I need to face the fear and just breath calmly, relax into it, enjoy my music, the wonderful summer weather, the breeze, all the places I have now been able to get to on my own 2 feet that I have missed.

As tends to be, symptoms/sensations are more prominent at the start, but if I keep with it, they all improve or go away completely with more time with the calm breathing, relaxing my body, doing my self talk, saying my mantras which today was:

"The only way out is to go through."

And then the magic happens. I reach the flow state. I feel like how I was before this all happened. But of course better for the gratitude of it all.

And not that the stats are important here, but you bet today my last mile was my fastest I've done thus far. I showed my brain this was safe, enjoyable, beautiful, and FUN!