Day 8 Unsent letter

To my beautiful children,
I feel like I have failed you so greatly. H, you are angry and you are angry in the way you do anything I ask. You are my beautiful boy, so sweet, so tenderhearted, and you are angry. I am so sorry I have not given you the happy childhood you deserve.
D, you hide yourself away and focus on getting what you want. I haven't taught you writing skills well enough, nor have I looked after your physical and emotional health. You are the one who always goes least seen. You have learned to do that and you are okay with that but I'm not okay with that. I'm sorry.
M, my stress causes you stress every day. Your body is tense and your voice wild so often, because you cannot relax into security in your home. I am so sorry. All I ever wanted was to be a place of security for you.
N, you are so small and sometimes I yell at you and the tears come into your eyes. I'm sorry, honey. I love you with all my heart and I wish I were better for you.
I don't know what to do now that you are all growing older. Time weighs on me heavily, the minutes ticking by. I am afraid to do everything. I want to take you on outings and do projects with you and be joyful and restful and playful with you but I am afraid I will hurt and I am afraid you will get upset and I will feel the failure inside me. I know I learned a false lesson that I am responsible for everyone else's happiness but I so wanted us all to be happy together. I am so sorry.
I can see as I am witing that I just don't want to feel that I have failed you, that that it a much greater fear than my fear that my eyes will "collapse" or something else terrible will happen to me physically if I try to do things with you. I am so sorry. It hurts so much. I want you to be okay. And I want my eyes not to be blurry and my head not to hurt and to feel relaxed and free. I am afraid to draw closer to you because I am afraid I will hurt you. Maybe I will die like my Mom did and then you will be unprepared. Better to prepare you now by drawing away.
Yesterday the phone consult at the pain center said I am a perfect candidate for their TMS treatment. I can't afford it but the woman on the phone told me I am absolutely on the right track and that I am doing the right work. Praise God. Oh Lord, can I do it? Or Lord, give me peace.
Love, Mom

 

@dlane2530

I don't know if you've discovered Nicole Sachs yet. She writes/discusses in a very genuine, sensitive way how all the joy/pain of being a mother led to TMS. She has a podcast, books, and other offerings. Check her out on her website link below. I'm sure you will find solace and wisdom there.

https://www.yourbreakawake.com/ (BreakAwake)

 

HolThank you, @Ellen ! I actually just got her book in the mail.