Tough Girl speaks up!

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
Been having a lot of rough nights lately. Symptoms acting up while I’m trying to sleep. I figure my subconscious is on overdrive.

Woke up this morning with really painful feelings, but I didn’t know why. I tried to remember my dreams, but couldn’t. Then, the memories came. They were from my divorce, years ago. That’s probably what my brain was working on all night. Trying to bring this to the surface.

So, I journaled. And instead of regular writing, I decided to have a written conversation with the person I was during that time. Let’s call her Tough Girl. I asked her questions about how she was feeling—what she’s mad about.

She told me that she was the one who got me through the divorce, being a broke single mother with three little boys— harassed by an abusive -ex. She showed me the memories of her toughness. It all came back.

Turns out, Tough Girl is mad that she did all that work back then; she helped me survive, protected me, and now I never let her out of her “cage.”

As I talked with her, I remembered what it was like to be her. I wasn’t afraid. I was always ready to fight. I didn’t settle for “No.” I made things happen. I got knocked down and got right back up.

I wondered what the cage is that she doesn’t like.

Then, I thought of this. Some years ago I started going to church. I had a spiritual revival, of sorts. I became meek and mild. I began to think that being a Tough Girl is a bad thing, so I stopped being her.

Today I put two and two together. When Tough Girl got caged, coincidentally, that’s when my symptoms came. (It’s not the only reason.)

Another interesting thing: when I got my symptoms I stopped going to church because it’s “too hard” to get there physically. (Or is it?) Maybe my brain gave me symptoms to slow me down and force me to sort this out.

Tough Girl does bring a lot of powerful energy to me that’s been missing in my life. Is there a way I can uncage her and still have my faith? I hope so!

As it happens, after this talk with Tough Girl today—my symptoms have been way down.

Interesting, isn’t it? Sarno said to find what you’re mad about. Sometimes it’s not what you think. And sometimes it takes a while.

Anybody have a take on this?
 
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Women in many Churches, just like other places in society often have pretty strict expectations either placed on them, or they assume they must play a role. In many denominations women have subservient roles in alter guilds, kitchens etc. More of the selfless giving, pretty much doing the same things they are expected (by society and tradition) to do at home.
What are your perceptions of the roles you play vs your inner most values of yourself?
I left conventional church because I was not happy with being asked to fulfill roles and then criticized for it. Jealousies and pettiness. Has nothing to do with my personal faith, but the organization itself was just to messy for me.
Is Tough Girl s part of you that you somehow thought God or others would disapprove of?
 
Just my point of view but I think your symptoms went down because your fear went down. ToughGirl = powerful energy = less fear = less symptoms. I try to listen to Dan's videos everyday and he is so inspiring. The one key message is about managing FEAR. Whatever you can do to reduce fear that will reduce symptoms over time. It could be living your life more, prayer, hope, positivity ... or even ToughGirl. Dan's message is that one doesn't have to go back to the past to find out the cause of the issues/rage/anger. His message is simple ... provide messages of safety, consistently, to your brain that you are not in danger and that you are fine NOW i.e. today. ToughGirl did exactly that for you! If ToughGirl works for you then great but it doesn't have to be. Anything that can reduce fear will work.

After watching Dan's videos I had an epiphany yesterday evening. I realised that a big stressor happened in my life (infection) that caused severe symptoms i.e. insomnia which then magnified the stressor and that caused severe pains when sitting. My subconscious did all that and I had no part to play in that process. Then "I", in an attempt to find a cure to the symptoms, started reading reddit and other forums. What did that do? All that did is ramped up the fear so I fed into the pain-fear cycle and the symptoms got worse. Perhaps if I didn't feed fear into the pain the pain may have gone away months ago. In essence I was feeding misinformation to my subconscious. Instead of my brain correcting me it took my fear as instruction that I'm in danger. The more fear I felt it the more danger I communicated to the limbic system and the more symptoms.

What is the takeaway from the above story? Well, when I was born I wasn't provided with an owner's manual for the Human Brain. Now I know you communicate to it by feelings and emotions. If you generate positive feelings/emotions by thinking of powerful stuff like ToughGirl or "I am not damaged and healthy and strong" the limbic system you will feel that as emotions and send that message to the limbic system. However, here's the catch. You must truly believe in those thoughts for you to feel the emotions. In your case, I think, you truly believed in the power of ToughGirl and the energy manifested so that calmed down your limbic system and lowered your symptoms. That is TMS at it's finest.

Anyways Diana - Off this forum today please and do something fear-less this weekend and tell us about it next week. You got this, girl!
 
How about dropping 'Meek And Mild Girl' and turning 'Tough Girl' into 'Assertive Woman' or 'Kind But Assertive Woman'?

I'm agnostic and was brought up that way, so I don't personally know how it works in the Catholic Church - but can't you just turn up to services without having to behave meekly and mildly (to include saying 'no' when asked to do things that you don't want to do)? I have an old school friend who is Catholic (her late dad was Irish Catholic so she was brought up in the faith) who attends church every Sunday, and she's one of the feistiest people I've ever known in my life (as is her Catholic older sister). Meek and mild is certainly not a description I would ever use for her (or her sister) but their Catholic faith is everything to them, which they combine with being their own person.
 
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BloodMoon said:
How about dropping 'Meek And Mild Girl' and turning 'Tough Girl' into 'Assertive Woman' or 'Kind But Assertive Woman'?

I'm agnostic and was brought up that way, so I don't personally know how it works in the Catholic Church - but can't you just turn up to services without having to behave meekly and mildly (to include saying 'no' when asked to do things that you don't want to do)? I have an old school friend who is Catholic (her late dad was Irish Catholic so she was brought up in the faith) who attends church every Sunday, and she's one of the feistiest people I've ever known in my life (as is her Catholic older sister). Meek and mild is certainly not a description I would ever use for her (or her sister) but their Catholic faith is everything to them.
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I really think the meek and mild thing is my own incorrect view. In fact, my own impression of most Catholics is they aren’t meek and mild! (Meek and mild is a Bible reference; something Jesus taught.)

I also thought about “ToughGirl” after I wrote it and knew someone (Probably you!) would say I should’ve said Woman! Lol Of course!

Religion is tricky because it is taught, but it’s also how you internalize it, mixed with your own perceptions, upbringing and emotional issues. Nothing is simple about it. I was afraid to post anything having to do with religion because it almost just invites trouble. But I so value everyone’s opinion in this group. I have made so much progress because I’ve been willing to be vulnerable and share my heart with you guys. I’ve always considered your opinions— deeply considered them— And they’ve helped me!

Thank you so much! ❤️
 
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mikeinlondon said:
I think, you truly believed in the power of ToughGirl and the energy manifested so that calmed down your limbic system
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Mike!
You have changed so much in just a few weeks! You’re filled with optimism and information. I’m loving this! Thank you for your perspective. I really like it. You’re right there is a power inside of me that I have not been manifesting and I need to. It’s the Opposite of victimization. And that’s healing for TMS. I will be fearless this weekend! Thank you, my brother!
 
Cactusflower said:
Is Tough Girl s part of you that you somehow thought God or others would disapprove of?
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Hi, Cactus,
I never felt any expectations at church that I should be submissive or anything like that. But this is the right question: Do I personally think I disapprove of me being ToughGirl? Am I afraid to be ToughGirl? Why? (I don’t think God disapproves of ToughGirl—unless I start doing evil things.)

It’s possible that ToughGirl might kick my family’s ass! lol Seriously, not joking. We are having some problems and being meek and mild helps sweep them under the rug.

Maybe I’m afraid of what I will do. I’m afraid of myself and the power I have. There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not quite sure what the answers are yet. I do know one thing —I hate confrontation. Anger and Christianity is a confusing mixture, sometimes.

Thanks for letting me noodle this out with you.
 
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Diana-M said:
I also thought about ToughGirl after I wrote it and knew someone (Probably you!) Would say I should’ve said woman! Lol Of course!
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Tbh, I felt rather nitpicking in saying it, but, depending on the context of course, it can be disempowering so I said it anyway; however, the bigger point that I meant but failed to say is that being 'Meek and Mild' or 'Tough' is a lot of pressure to put upon oneself, particularly because they are at extreme opposite ends of the spectrum... the 'middle way' may be the path and give you the peace that you are searching for in all of this... that's why I suggested assertiveness.
Diana-M said:
maybe I’m afraid what I will do
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Being assertive might well still get you 'kicking your husband's ass', of course, but one's approach is more measured with assertiveness, it's driven by confidence and self respect, whereas with toughness it, not always, but often, tends to be driven more by anger and/or frustration (and as such can leave one more open to regret after acting).

My guess is that being afraid of what you will do is probably the nub of it all... whether one is being assertive or tough, one still has to be prepared to suffer the possible consequences of one's actions, i.e. of it not working out how one would like it to work out, and perhaps wishing one had said and approached things differently etc. That's the fear.

The question is do we have to change virtually everything that we don't like about our lives to include trying to get other people in our lives to change their ways to enable us to lose our TMS symptoms?

Forum members will have differing views on this, of course, but Dan Buglio reckons we don't. He always says about that he recovered from TMS/perceived danger pain despite all the quite major 'lifey' things that were going on his life at the time of his recovery and that that's been the same for a lot of his clients. I live in that hope because my own life is not exactly how I would like it to be.
 
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BloodMoon said:
Tbh, I felt rather nitpicking in saying it, but, depending on the context of course, it can be disempowering so I said it anyway; however, the bigger point that I meant but failed to say is that being 'Meek and Mild' or 'Tough' is a lot of pressure to put upon oneself, particularly because they are at extreme opposite ends of the spectrum... the 'middle way' may be the path and give you the peace that you are searching for in all of this... that's why I suggested assertiveness.

Being assertive might well still get you 'kicking your husband's ass', of course, but one's approach is more measured with assertiveness, it's driven by confidence and self respect, whereas with toughness it, not always, but often, tends to be driven more by anger and/or frustration (and as such can leave one more open to regret after acting).

My guess is that being afraid of what you will do is probably the nub of it all... whether one is being assertive or tough, one still has to be prepared to suffer the possible consequences of one's actions, i.e. of it not working out how one would like it to work out, and perhaps wishing one had said and approached things differently etc. That's the fear.

The question is do we have to change virtually everything that we don't like about our lives to include trying to get other people in our lives to change their ways to enable us to lose our TMS symptoms?

Forum members will have differing views on this, of course, but Dan Buglio reckons we don't. He always says about that he recovered from TMS/perceived danger pain despite all the quite major 'lifey' things that were going on his life at the time of his recovery and that that's been the same for a lot of his clients. I live in that hope because my own life is not exactly how I would like it to be.
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Well said!
 
@Diana-M I was thinking about the fact that ToughGirl was in operation when you were being hassled by your ex-husband and had 3 little boys to look after on your own, and I wondered whether TG comes into operation only, or mainly, when you have others to protect and take care of. Is ToughGirl/ToughWoman/AssertiveWoman for the most part kept in her box/cage when it comes to your personal welfare, more than, or perhaps as well as, it being to do with feeling (mistakenly or otherwise) that you need be meek and mild in connection with your faith? I don't have any children but I know that I am always assertive when it comes to something to do with looking out for the welfare of my husband. When it comes to myself, when I am assertive about my needs, I often think twice about speaking up, and after I may have spoken up, I tend to think afterwards things like 'should I have really asked for that?', whereas I'd have no qualms about asking for the same things for my husband; I wouldn't feel guilty, or query and/or second guess myself for doing so.

Another thing I was thinking is that maybe - not only might it be unnecessary to change certain things that we don't like in our lives because we can still lose our TMS symptoms without doing so - it also might be better to consider whether or not to make or ask for some particular changes when we have actually recovered from TMS because we might possibly look upon those things differently, in a somewhat different light, and therefore possibly approach them differently too (particularly because we might see them from the viewpoint of them not causing or adding to the reasons why we experienced TMS).

Anyway, these are just my thoughts, for what they may be or may not be worth. I hope they don't muddy the waters at all or too much!
 
@BloodMoon
Thanks for these additional thoughts! I like them and I agree with them. I’ve been thinking about this whole incident and why my subconscious served it to me on a plate (per Helmut’s analogy)—and I think maybe it’s just my subconscious trying to remind me I’m capable of being a strong person—or who knows? As we know, the subconscious has its own reasons. I think I torture myself with digging sometimes—trying to find explanations for everything. TMS doesn’t work like that. At least not for me.
 
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Diana-M said:
I think I torture myself with digging sometimes—trying to find explanations for everything. TMS doesn’t work like that. At least not for me.
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Yep, you can dig up something, think it's the reason, and eventually you can find that it turns out to be something else (often, in my experience, much more minor or even kind of trivial than one would have expected, so you wouldn't have even looked there). When you've done a lot of journaling like you have done, it's hardly surprising that the tendency is to want to keep digging. Maybe, rather than digging, all we need to do is to let things flow by waiting and seeing what else our subconscious will serve up to us on a plate (per Helmut's analogy) as it might just contain or point to the reason(s) more clearly.
 
Diana-M said:
Then, I thought of this. Some years ago I started going to church. I had a spiritual revival, of sorts. I became meek and mild. I began to think that being a Tough Girl is a bad thing, so I stopped being her.
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Yes. My pain 'syndrome' began after a powerful spiritual experience. Not immediately, mind you, but as the growing pressure to be a "good person"
and 'do the right thing'...it came off the hook when I finally started pushing myself in a career I had once turned down years earlier when I had no wife and kids.
When I was playing rock star, doing drugs , hanging out with strippers and gangsters and involved in ongoing criminal enterprises? Not a peep.
Aching for middle class nirvana, working 60 hours a week, coaching little league baseball and being a faithful husband? OUCH

Perhaps that is one of the reasons Sarno resonated so powerfully with me. it was so obvious.

One of the more interesting things ever said to me was from my TMS supportive shrink. He was helping me deal with the anger that no longer had a repository. "You are one of my most motivated patients"
After reading Sarno and realizing I had Nowhere else to go, That was like taking a spiritual laxative. Any time I had a relapse....dig deeper into those pockets...what else do you think you can afford marc?

I was so afraid of the pain I would do ANYTHING to stay pain free. Even tell the truth! "Its the worst show on TV and no one wants to watch it"

People here on the forum have mentioned that I am a little gung ho about the process?

To quote @JanAtheCPA where TF else am I gonna go? What other pretentions can I afford in my Budget?

I'm 'Broke' so to speak. Blessed are the poor
 
Baseball65 said:
I was so afraid of the pain I would do ANYTHING to stay pain free. Even tell the truth!
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Thanks for your thoughts on this one. So what you’re saying is, dig deep and tell myself the truth about what I really feel about being good? Is that the crux of it?

I wonder if any other religions or philosophies feel this much pressure or if it’s distinctive to Christianity? I know when I became Catholic almost everybody I know rolled their eyes, like why would you pick the hardest one to try to do?!
 
Diana-M said:
Thanks for your thoughts on this one. So what you’re saying is, dig deep and tell myself the truth about what I really feel about being good? Is that the crux of it?

I wonder if any other religions or philosophies feel this much pressure or if it’s distinctive to Christianity? I know when I became Catholic almost everybody I know rolled their eyes, like why would you pick the hardest one to try to do?!
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Look into the things you immediately say “nope, that can’t be it”… 9 times out of 10, you can bet that’s resistance talking! I now know to immediately look into anything I meet with resistance.
 
Diana-M said:
Thanks for your thoughts on this one. So what you’re saying is, dig deep and tell myself the truth about what I really feel about being good? Is that the crux of it?

I wonder if any other religions or philosophies feel this much pressure or if it’s distinctive to Christianity? I know when I became Catholic almost everybody I know rolled their eyes, like why would you pick the hardest one to try to do?!
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pg 15 of "Mindbody Prescription" has a chart showing the distinction between the conscious and the unconscious mind. Every time I have had a tickle and re-read, that list is what slaps me awake about who I REALLY was with no effort or moral input , vs who I became after my religious experience.

Most of my prayers and ethics are on the left side (conscious) and most of the very un-righteous living I have done are on the right side (unconscious). Clearly, when I was feral and unchecked, I was a 'self will run riot' to quote Bill W.
and that is a narcissistic hedonistic self involved 'self'.

Inevitably if I am having symptoms, I have usually fallen asleep on my feet and started thinking I am 'good' and 'ethical' NATURALLY and not as the result of a long and painful transition.
 
I was in a book group, and there was a dear young lady from the Middle East with us, who was Muslim. She had some pretty challenging TMS symptoms. Many religions have a lot in common. They are hierarchical organizations and/or institutions/ businesses and that usually means lots of rules, regulations and the need to keep large amounts of followers well behaved and quiet.
 
Baseball65 said:
pg 15 of "Mindbody Prescription" has a chart showing the distinction between the conscious and the unconscious mind.
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Great chart! Thanks, Marc! And a good reminder that “being good” is hard (and none of us really wants to be! lol) But we do! Yes, we do! And we just have to recognize that it will enrage our unconscious mind.

I also don’t think it’s bad to be strong. Believing in God and being strong are not mutually exclusive. I have some kind of a hang-up about it. I default to the victim so easily.

I remembered this great Bible verse today:

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy‬ ‭1‬:‭7‬ ‭
 
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