TMS is the perfect excuse

When i get frustrated with the things I can not do, my mind likes to imagine what i ‘could’ be doing. In our imagination we couldve been the most succesful person to ever grace the earth. I would have all the friends I could ever want, a great marriage, an awesome job. But – because of tms – I could never accomplish those things. Or so I tell myself.

The truth is that I spent a big part of my teen life being sorry for myself. I was anxious and insecure, terrified of rejection. I was afraid of being Mani.

If this hadnt happened – I would still be scared dysfunctional Mani. I wouldve been at a party afraid to connect with people – or i wouldnt have gone anyway. I wouldnt have new friends, I wouldnt have a wife — nothing wouldve changed. I wouldve still been bound by my own self imposed invisible shackles.

My mind has found the ultimate copium for never finding fulfillment; it acts as if it is all tms’s fault. Deep down, I know it was never the tms. If i ever break free, it wont be in spite of tms, it will be because of it.

 

For your consideration...

What if the "shackles" were actually the pressure to play extrovert in a world that celebrates parties and crowds?

Mani might just be an introvert wired for depth—recharging in quiet reflection, not small talk. Your forum voice is likely your real voice.

Maybe those teen parties weren't your scene because they never would have been—not because you were broken. What if embracing "forum Mani" everywhere means fewer imagined losses, more genuine wins?

I don't doubt you want to be a judge, but maybe not the slog to get there? I wanted to be a solicitor but couldn't face qualifying. Tried other paths, then landed in law via on-the-job learning at a big organisation—became an expert in one aspect without the full grind. Truth be told though, I'd have been much more suited to the arts... like expertly restoring artworks.

 

This is an interesting view.

I think a binary extrovert/introvert is a little too simplistic. Humans are incredibly socially complex.

I do love talking to people and I’m not afraid of meeting people above the age of 25 or people i feel arent above my perceived market value. This sounds incredibly rude but its just an honest assessment that when i feel like someone could look down on me thats when i get stressed. With women it is generally anyone that could perceive me as trying to flirt.

I’m not afraid to ask for directions but i am afraid of rejections (lol). I think my more outgoing nature is inhibited by my anxious self.


Edit: Also i know rhat ive said that i want to become a judge but my real genuine desire is to find fulfillment. That can be in any space. Right now i just believe id find that fulfillment in law

 

Yes, of course—these things are on a spectrum (or tendency). Human social wiring is complex, not just extrovert/introvert checkboxes. You've mentioned parties being difficult several times, so it was just a hunch. (I'm on the introvert side myself and never enjoyed them—found my boyfriends and then my husband in quieter settings instead.)

Does that mean people under 25 feel riskier, maybe as 'peers'? What if the forum lets your real voice breathe because it's judgment-neutral—no age hierarchies, no flirt misreads? To mirror this, maybe anticipate eventually trying real-life spots like book clubs or hobby groups, where talk flows and friendships blossom from shared interests, not small talk or snap judgments.

 

Parties with friends were great. I had the aux and was having the time of my life. I love my friends. It just got stale after some time. I didnt go to school so only way for me to meet new people would be clubbing and friends.

For some reason i cant reply specifically to quotes right now??

Well as for the hobby thing youre completely right. I was hoping I could meet some new people at my uni when wed work together with assignments. Yeah exactly that would be the places for me to meet new people.


The thing i want to address most is anxiety. What makes me scared; why does it make me scared. It also might be due to some slightly traumatic high school incidents. I dont know and i need my alone time but i generally do very poorly all alone.

Its the part i loved about hostels that you vould just talk to anyone without being scared of rejection. It feels more superficial in clubs. And you also cant really hold a convo in a club. I have considered maybe my going out will be just sitting outside the bar meeting people whilst my friends come in and out constantly. Obviously it sounds a bit lonely but i just really like to talk to people

 

It's good that you're open about that. (I was always interested in the law itself, but I had to leave my career in it due to 'burn out' (TMS)... law firms and other legal organisations can be very toxic back-stabbing environments; I'm afraid I'm far from alone in experiencing that, so choose where you place yourself wisely. For me a community law setting would have been better, but my training wasn't for that.)

Yep, anything that you think your brain will feel safe with you doing... to gently 'shoehorn' back into the world.

 

Oh yeah lol im nowhere near as of right now. Who knows tho

I have that idea too. Its why id rather work as a judge than as a lawyer. But right now id be happy with any work. Still pretty much homebound. I’d love to go out more. I hope to improve some more in the coming weeks

 

Ah, I just looked it up and see that in the Netherlands if you're under 30 you can train to be a judge without being a practising lawyer first (it's not like that here in the UK, you need to have significant experience as a lawyer first).

 

Yeah its not that prestigious here within law circles. The pay is bad especially with how long you have to study to even become one. Also very little career opportunities.

current trends here is 80% of new judges are female. Might get myself a DEI hire lol

 

I’m an extroverted introvert. Some people don’t get it.

 

We’re so similar. It makes me happy that you’re getting this wake up call at 20.

 

Excellent! The perfect excuse and the ultimate distraction. One of the biggest hurdles I see on the emotional side of things is people looking back with rose coloured glasses and thinking that life was perfect before symptoms. If that was the case, TMS very likely wouldn't have manifested (didn't mean that as a play on words but maybe I did subconsciously hahaha). The fact that you are clear on this is huge for your recovery

I'll never be a hypocrite with this, because it took me a long time but you will eventually realise that this is complete nonsense and a waste of time (more so the idea that someone has more worth than you). You're reflecting on things that at 20 years old I probably wouldn't have had the capacity for. That being said, if you can get to the truth at such a young age it's absolutely golden and a massive advantage.

Same in Australia - I'd probably have been enticed by it as a lawyer myself had you been able to crack that occupation before your 50th birthday (which even then would be a young judge) - that said, I understand the experience required.

 

Yes, me too—the intricacies of law and procedure really demand it. Trouble is, in the UK the class system plays a big part, with some crusty old upper-class judges seeming completely out of touch. More likely urban myth (but perfect to illustrate), there's the story of one asking, “Who are the Beatles?” and another declaring intercourse standing up at a bus stop to be impossible! That said, the judges I've met usually had razor-sharp minds and the ability to sum things up beautifully.

 

I surmise the ones who don't get it are more likely extroverts—introverts might intuitively understand, as they prioritize alone time more consistently. Toggling between outgoing behaviour and solitude for recharging can baffle pure extroverts, who rarely feel that drain. I'm more introverted myself but enjoy some outgoing things: I don't mind dancing badly in public, just not parties. Ultimately, understanding ourselves lets us attend to our needs—I spent much of life feeling like a square peg in a round hole.

 

Like Mani, I see the opposite for me. In my case I still look back with sadness and regret—a sinking feeling in my pit of my stomach—because, unlike him, I'm in my late 60s, nearing life's end, and see many wasted years. That's likely why I'm not fully recovered yet, though my improvement has been profoundly major. What do you advise clients tackling that end of the spectrum? (Appreciating general terms, of course.) Lately, I've wondered if finding a linking thread across my life might reframe the past and give it meaning.

 

Totally agree!

Rachel Barr (neuroscientist) called it:

"You are measured by your ability to reflect other people back to themselves smoothly enough for them to be comfortable."

How can we possibly nail that every time? Impossible!
And besides we all have our own uniqueness and worth that's a gift to the world and doesn't mirror anyone else's.

 

I think (and this is tapping more into my spiritual journey, which I don't coach on unless the person shows interest) a reframe that might help (and I absolutely believe this), is that, especially in the western world, we are all suffering to some degree (following Buddhist teachings to a large degree).

Don't underestimate how much we are all suffering psychologically. We think that if we get all that we ever want in life that we will be fulfilled and we will never have another problem, but the mind and your psychology is the problem (not that you don't have X or Y - and here this is akin to the concept of time lost or opportunities missed out on). "Success" is a band-aid at best (the happiest people I've ever met - living in South East Asia, have very little compared to us - equally, there are people who seemingly have everything that are completely miserable). If you're the second richest person on the planet, but you're insecure about not being number 1 (which is likely given all that you would have had to give up to get to that position), you're suffering (even if on the outside this looks silly, the psychology is the same and it's real pain and hurt on the inside). If you are the richest person in the world, you're insecure and afraid of losing that title, so the pressure mounts and you're suffering. This isn't just limited to material things as well, it applies to everything we are chasing.

TMS gives us the chance and the possibility to wake up mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Say you've had chronic symptoms for 30 years - it's hard to compare suffering but say that means you suffer at an 8/10 for that period of time. If you hadn't had chronic symptoms for that time, you wouldn't have had to reflect on your psychology/emotions to this degree so you'd suffer more based on that, but you'd still have no symptoms so that needs to be taken into account. So let's put that at a 5/10.

I think it comes down to whether you believe this (and I understand if you don't), but getting down to the low numbers on that scale will blow your mind. My recovery from chronic symptoms and my emotional development I guess you could say has taken me from an 8/10 to maybe a 3/10 - but I still suffer psychologically at the 3/10 (I'm better, but there's still insecurity and there's still desire and there's still a lot of fear). I have, however, had very small periods of time where I've been in such a spiritual place where it's a 0/10 - and it's a completely different world. We don't know what it's like not to suffer. Having touched that, I refuse to believe that this isn't possible for longer periods (I'm not buying what western psychology is selling me and I am more in line now with the eastern teachings - but that's just me).

All that being said, I think the only way that 30 years at an 8/10 is worth it (and it's taking you closer to the end) is if it unlocks the possibility to get that number down really low. From my experience, if I somehow managed to stay at a 0/10 for a whole year it would feel like a well lived lifetime and it would be worth 30 years at an 8/10 (keep in mind I was going to be at a 5/10 for those 30 years without the reflection that TMS demanded anyway) - it would be priceless (1 year to 30 might sound ridiculous - but one year of a quiet mind would be extraordinary and you wouldn't know yourself - it obviously doesn't only need to be 1 because there's plenty more than that hopefully - but I still believe it at that extreme).

I appreciate that this may seem overly optimistic and others would probably try to appreciate but lessen the pain of years lost, but I truly believe that the state you could reach through this is so brilliant that it can't be compared on a year to year basis with what you've been through.

I thought I would be honest as this is an open forum - if I was coaching someone and I knew they wouldn't have a bar of this (based on our interactions I thought it might have a chance) then I'd take a more western approach (emphasising making the most of the years to come - which of course is true anyway, and processing the sadness and grief of lost years - but if we go by the above they aren't really lost they are just the journey to something greater).

 

Great post Adam.

 

@Adam Coloretti (coach)
Wow! Thank you! I'd never thought of it that way—yes, I'd likely have been at a 5/10 anyway! You've tapped the ship's engine perfectly; I feel a whole lot better.

(I rarely ask questions here anymore but am glad I did.)

Though I'd not quantified it, my error was assuming a 2-3/10 life without TMS (or with more mobility). In truth, only something as dramatic as acute and chronic painful symptoms would have pushed me along this far... I've dropped from 9/10 (often 10/10) to much lower, when my non-TMS baseline might've been a 6-7/10.

Pre-this conversation, I'd realized even just 1-2 (completely or virtually) pain-free years would outweigh 30 'lost' ones for me; I'd be grateful for them...

I'm fully open to your view—though I still grapple with not fully using my 'bright/smart' potential, as I never really knew what I wanted to do when I grew up (work and private life) and my apathy kept me stuck.

So, how did you reach 0/10? And how do you hold 3/10—what practices sustain it?

 

This mirrors my experience as well. And I like to make this point every chance I get: I recovered from TMS, but still suffered from symptoms related to Complex PTSD. I didn't have to resolve all my emotional baggage to be pain/symptom free. I suppose it is the C-PTSD that accounts for the triggers of the relapses I've had since my initial TMS recovery. But I want to emphasize to people that you don't have to resolve all your psychological issues to recover from TMS. There seems to be different mechanisms in place for the issues that result in TMS, and the ones that result in general psychological suffering, at least for me. I would like to understand this better.