TMS has tortured me and improved me

Today wasn’t a bad day. I didn’t think much about TMS (for once), except to reflect on the many minuscule changes that have taken place in my body. A little less panic. A little less weakness and tension. A little less pain. Night goes to dawn in negligible increments. Maybe it will be that way with me.

I keep plugging away. Doing my exercise routine. Standing and walking in the living room. Trying to do little easy tasks. Focusing on what I have— not what I don’t have.

Some days I’m so blindsided by what it appears I’ve lost. Other days I marvel at the major changes—improvements overall—that I’ve undergone.

TMS has tortured me and improved me. What can I say? And I just keep peeling the onion of my anger and my issues back a little more each day. There’s really no other choice. Fight to believe. Fight to heal. Fight to stay positive. And then, just breathe.

 

It's hard because we don't have a direct line of conversation with our uncounscious. Besides that there's the confusion and still lack of data about the neuroplasticity work. Does the change come from creating new regulated sinapses, or is it just a matter of pinpointing the traumas and releasing them? Or both and more?

I've lost count of how many great meditations I've had that even so didn't bring me any insight about this journey, so I don't expect it anymore and just enjoy the vibe. At the same time though, the way I cope with flare ups is, I think, really good now. And clearly I wouldn't be able to get here without doing the work.

It's also hard not to victimize. Not to look at our friends living their happy lives or so and think "why me?" Reality doesn't give a thing about being fair. The world is a shitshow, but mostly men is responsible for it all. Sometimes I have angry conversations with God asking how could He let this happen. But it's just venting out, I know life is what it is and a lot of pain comes from wanting changes too fast.

 

Well said, my dear friend. I agree with everything you said, and my experiences are similar. This life isn’t perfect and nobody promised it would be. It definitely helps to keep the glass half full perspective. If you can name even three things that have improved the slightest bit, then you are improving. It just might not be at the speed you wanted it to. And every day is a temptation for a pity party— which will get you absolutely nowhere. And you might miss the good things that are right there under your nose. The part that really gets me is every time you challenge the TMS it makes you pay with a flare. I’m getting a little tired of that! I guess I said TMS is improving me because every day I’m letting go a little more. And then there are days like yesterday where I just kind of feel like I’m in a warm bubble of peace. I don’t know if you can really ask for more than that— even if your body were perfect.

I have wanted to know the answer this question really bad. I don’t know if I’m right, but at this point, I kind of think it’s both— and probably more. Soothing anxiety also comes into it somewhere.

 

I agree with @Diana-M . I think it is both. Last night I had such a therapeutic journaling session and afterwards I did a meditation on youtube. I was out of pain! And only an hour before I was in so much pain and I just wanted to curl up on the couch. I couldn't though. I had to go to son's band concert. But after that journaling and meditation I felt so calm and so peaceful. I think I finally gave myself permission to be brutally honest in my journaling. I should have been in pain since it was close to taking my medication and every night around that time the pain ramps up. I haven't felt that calm in so long. So between confronting our traumas and rewiring our brains I think that is exactly how we heal!

 

@Diana-M You are doing so good! TMS is such a journey-I had no idea! But you give me hope with your thoughts and wisdom!

 

Yay!!!!! @Joulegirl , this is FANTASTIC!!!! this should give you hope and it gives all of us hope. It’s proof it all works. Cling to this whenever times get tough for you. (What was the YouTube meditation? By the way I’m looking for good ones.)

 

OK, here you just made me cry! ❤️ if I could help any single person with TMS or chronic pain get through another day with some hope, I would be so thankful. (I know!!! who ever thought it was such a journey!!!)

 

The idea of “why” and jealousy of others unaffected.. you stop defining yourself as someone “with” TMS to a person who like every other person in the world has a mind body connection: you just listen.
I think that often these thoughts are so similar to pain pathways. They are simply thought pathways that when changed, will soften the whole mechanism.
It’s hard to change those thought patterns when it feels physically and emotionally that something is “wrong” to understanding that your mind body connection is actually functioning correctly, the volume is simply turned up.

 

Thank you cactus! I love this! You know, I’m just gonna vent here for a sec. my family is freaked out about my symptoms. I mean, I went from like a healthy active 60 year old — who actually looked more like 50 (it’s genetic!). I went from that to like a 90-year-old fragile old woman with a walker. I can barely do the simplest things. Everybody is reeling from it— and I see their fear. I want to take it away for them. I judge myself for doing this to them. When I try and go out, I can tell my husband is embarrassed that he has to walk so slow next to me (he has his own issues with people judging him and wanting to be perfect in front of people. I don’t blame him anymore for that. it’s his issue.) but still: it affects me, and I judge myself. And then I get my brain going on that track, like you said.

you know it’s funny the other day after I was praying— I said out loud to myself, “Jesus doesn’t care how slow I walk.” since this is a comforting thought, according to my faith, I’ve been saying it more and more and it actually makes me smile and even laugh. Maybe this will help me change my perspective!

 

NGL, I experience a moment of jealousy for anyone who gets even a moment of being pain-free, but I still love reading when anyone has those experiences, @Joulegirl.

I love your little by little mentality, @Diana-M .

 

@Diana-M Oh yeah, it is definitely going on my evidence list! There was no way I should have been pain free except for the work I did.

@Rusty Red I have to say I am back with pain this morning. But my attitude about this pain has changed a bit and at least I had the clear glimpse that will keep me going! I totally get the small moment of jealously-I've had my share while being on this forum!

 

Oh, yes. I went through that, my husband had panic attacks.
But the amount of stress that worry about the emotions and thoughts of others that I can generate is simply fuel for the fire and I'm no longer participating in that. Dropping the drama etc.
Yep, others are going to judge me, all through my life and you know what? I JUDGE OTHERS - yes, that's a very hard one to get over for me. The fact that I do the very same thing so automatically. Now I just remove the weight of it. Those thoughts can just float by like clouds in the sky because in the grand scheme of the universe they are not important.
Perhaps more of what your family feels is mourning for that mom who carried all their loads, who did it all, who balanced everything and released them from much of their own responsibility and burden for their own thoughts and actions. They are almost fearing, in a way, of the person you are becoming because it might change them.
This is what I am going through with my husband.
No longer do I sit back and pretend that I want to do everything he wants to do unless he doesn't want me around.
I speak up, and it makes others uncomfortable and I don't care because it's my own truth.

 

I think this is one of the huge gifts of TMS recovery. You finally get this right. I’m still a work in progress.
I’m slowly reading Feeling Good, by David Burns. This week I read this in Chapter 6 about criticism and it kind of blew my mind:
“Only one person in this world has the power to put you down—and you are that person, no one else! Here’s how it works. When another person criticizes you, certain negative thoughts are automatically triggered in your head. Your emotional reaction will be created by these thoughts and not by what the other person says.”

SO true! So we need to just accept, let it float by, and just get over it! I’ve been coming to realize just how much I’ve always let judgment (or FEAR of judgement) rule my life. Changes are coming now.

 

This made me think of one of my favourite quotations:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

And I more than surmise this is part of the reason you kept yourself hidden indoors for a year! - F*ck anyone else's insecurities and resistance to 'what is'! You know that 'what is' is TMS and it is temporary!

Oh, my goodness... I wish I could stop you from beating yourself up like this! You're not doing anything to them! It is they who are choosing not to believe in TMS and instead to fear you're on your way to shuffling off this mortal coil, or whatever. You have an overactive automatic protection mechanism, that is not your fault -- regarding which you are working on overcoming. As a mother you want to protect your children from everything, but that is not realistic - period! (as you Americans say).

 

Sound and appreciated advice, my friend! ❤️

My favorite is this:
“It is they who are choosing not to believe in TMS”

True! Very insightful! It doesn’t belong to me. I like this. (Yes, it’s not too hard to see how I went off the rails and my body had to intervene.)

 

Exactly!

 

@Diana-M As for meditations I just go onto Youtube and use searches like "5 minute meditations" or "beach meditations". It pulls up so much stuff and I just pick the video that looks interesting to me. That way it keeps my meditations new or else I would be board of them!

 

Thanks!

 

Insight Timer has some incredible meditations, a huge volume free.