PepperGirl
Peer Supporter
hello all
I read the forum a lot but don't post very much but this is a big one which I need to address.
My TMS started in pregnancy, resulted in debilitating back pain and sciatica at the moment of giving birth, then surgery with a 5 month old baby - only discovering about TMS a year after the birth (7 months after an unsuccessful back surgery) thanks to the marvellous specialist Georgie Oldfield here in the UK.
I have explored a lot of sub conscious fears that were present about birth due to having an older Downs Syndrome brother and my Mum who unknowingly projected her understandable 'fears' of pregnancy.
The whole time my son (who is now 2.5 years) was a baby I was in a very dark place with the pain and looking back on it now I was depressed. My memory of him as a baby is hazy, dark and not a pleasant place. I had a lot of difficulty since with feeling angry at pregnant friends (and there are a lot!) and their births that were non-complicated and miles away from my experience. I have been seeing a therapist and talked through a lot of this anger and believe that anger/jealous feeling of other women who it all went ok for has diminished a bit.
My pain these days is sooooooo much better. I do get some bad days but on the whole I am a happier person who works part-time as a drama teacher and also enjoys and loves time with my son and husband!
However, days such as today I hit a wall. I sink into some pain I still get in my leg, I focus on the tight leg muscles and lack of flexibility and ultimately I fear that this means I will never have neither child as how can I when not 'pain free' (my negative mind prevails today!)
I recognise that this fear causes the pain, even though my brain is very good at tricking me it's the other way around.
I beat myself up that I am not a 'complete' mother like my friends as I only have one child. I almost apologise to friends saying that 'I only have one', as if my job as a mother us half of what theirs is.....(all stupid I know but this is my mind at the mo!). If it were simple I would love my son to have a sibling and we would love another child.but my mind turns to the length of pregnancy and the fear of birth each time I think about it all. I try to reason it is not structural just TMS but because the TMS is so connected to pregnancy and birth it stands to reason I would avoid the most massive reason for my TMS. I am stuck and although I've been speaking to a therapist we seemed to have moved on to talking about more 'present' worries of mine such as my controlling in-laws and unhappiness at not being able to move out of London, being a country girl who needs green space again (lack of move is due to no jobs available where we want to live!).
Is there anyone who has experience of TMS and pregnancy or who can help me on this path of my TMS healing which I know is holding me back but I can't see an easy way forward.
Many thanks to all you knowledgable people.
xx
I read the forum a lot but don't post very much but this is a big one which I need to address.
My TMS started in pregnancy, resulted in debilitating back pain and sciatica at the moment of giving birth, then surgery with a 5 month old baby - only discovering about TMS a year after the birth (7 months after an unsuccessful back surgery) thanks to the marvellous specialist Georgie Oldfield here in the UK.
I have explored a lot of sub conscious fears that were present about birth due to having an older Downs Syndrome brother and my Mum who unknowingly projected her understandable 'fears' of pregnancy.
The whole time my son (who is now 2.5 years) was a baby I was in a very dark place with the pain and looking back on it now I was depressed. My memory of him as a baby is hazy, dark and not a pleasant place. I had a lot of difficulty since with feeling angry at pregnant friends (and there are a lot!) and their births that were non-complicated and miles away from my experience. I have been seeing a therapist and talked through a lot of this anger and believe that anger/jealous feeling of other women who it all went ok for has diminished a bit.
My pain these days is sooooooo much better. I do get some bad days but on the whole I am a happier person who works part-time as a drama teacher and also enjoys and loves time with my son and husband!
However, days such as today I hit a wall. I sink into some pain I still get in my leg, I focus on the tight leg muscles and lack of flexibility and ultimately I fear that this means I will never have neither child as how can I when not 'pain free' (my negative mind prevails today!)
I recognise that this fear causes the pain, even though my brain is very good at tricking me it's the other way around.
I beat myself up that I am not a 'complete' mother like my friends as I only have one child. I almost apologise to friends saying that 'I only have one', as if my job as a mother us half of what theirs is.....(all stupid I know but this is my mind at the mo!). If it were simple I would love my son to have a sibling and we would love another child.but my mind turns to the length of pregnancy and the fear of birth each time I think about it all. I try to reason it is not structural just TMS but because the TMS is so connected to pregnancy and birth it stands to reason I would avoid the most massive reason for my TMS. I am stuck and although I've been speaking to a therapist we seemed to have moved on to talking about more 'present' worries of mine such as my controlling in-laws and unhappiness at not being able to move out of London, being a country girl who needs green space again (lack of move is due to no jobs available where we want to live!).
Is there anyone who has experience of TMS and pregnancy or who can help me on this path of my TMS healing which I know is holding me back but I can't see an easy way forward.
Many thanks to all you knowledgable people.
xx
