ITATTRACTS
New Member
Hi friends, first time posting after beginning my journey to try and find answers for what I believe are mostly TMS related issues.
Quick background:
45/m In what most people would look at and say is great physical shape. I workout a lot, eat well, I'm strong on the outside but internally I feel like I'm a giant, twisted ball of anxiety, sadness and at times, anger. I have a good job but one that I still, 4 years into it feel like I am always having to prove that I deserve (despite everyone telling me I'm doing great) and I've been married for 16 years to a woman who has major stress/anxiety/depression issues that manifest themselves into a scenario where we sort of co-exist now in our apartment and raise our two beautiful boys. We went from being extremely close, lots of dates, lots of love making and fun over the first 6 years to almost a complete crippling standstill. No intimacy (unless I really express that I'm extremely frustrated), and she has a tendency to work all week, then hole up in the bedroom with the door closed while I deal with the boys. I find myself in this constant state of regret (for the kids having to basically have any and all activities go through me), anger (at the changes that have occurred, especially intimacy wise) and helplessness because her reaction to any sort of talking about any of these issues is to get immediately rageful and say things like "I'm sorry I'm such a horrible wife, I guess I'll just go kill myself, maybe then you'll be happy". I signed us up for couples therapy because during the more calmer discussions, she cries and says she'd be devastated if I left her, but every time we've started therapy, she bails out after one session because it's "too weird". It's like, once we had kids (who she begged for), she just turned into a different person. I still love her but I spend a lot of my time alone and in this constant state of being hopeful but then being constantly angry/upset. If I leave, I'd worry about the boys, if I stay, I worry about the boys. So I'm frozen.
Over the last few years, I've gone through this bizarre gamut of physical ailments that, at the time I always just assumed were normal health issues of something getting older but the more these things happen, the more I think it's all related to this internal angst I am feeling. In 2017, I woke up one morning and I could see shimmering/floating sperm like dots in my vision. Not floaters (I have those) but like, vibrating dots any time I looked at anything light colored. Eye doc, then neurologist found nothing wrong. After 2 months, it went away only to immediately be replaced by "prostatitis". I was having painful urination, aches in my groin and my sleep was completely ruined. Urologist, blood tests, ultrasounds, all negative. This too went away and was replaced a few weeks later with odd sensations of fire on my skin. My legs and feet would burn like they were being dipped in hot water, with the same sensations on my back periodically. Convinced I had MS, I went through a gamut of tests, brain MRI's, spine Xrays and MRIs etc. All normal. This went away.
In the last two months, I've had my L5/S1 disc completely rupture during a workout (confirmed with MRI) and I'm having terrible sciatica. Phys therapy has helped but now I am dealing with a new, really horrible issue. Whenever I eat anything, I get this horrid taste in my mouth. It's like the taste of whatever I eat get stuck in the back of my tongue and will linger all day, eventually turning into a bitter, disgusting taste. If I eat something else, that aftertaste of whatever I just ate, will layer on top of the original nasty taste. Peroxide rinse, brushing my tongue, Listerine, a trip to the dentist, a trip to the ENT, and no answers. Covid vaccinated (March) and tested recently, also negative.
I read Sarno's books recently and I KNOW my experiences are tied to my emotions. Is what I'm going through relatable? I just feel so tired of having some new thing pop up every few months. I'm tired of doctors, tired of insurance battles, I just want to get to a place where I can feel "normal" again.
Quick background:
45/m In what most people would look at and say is great physical shape. I workout a lot, eat well, I'm strong on the outside but internally I feel like I'm a giant, twisted ball of anxiety, sadness and at times, anger. I have a good job but one that I still, 4 years into it feel like I am always having to prove that I deserve (despite everyone telling me I'm doing great) and I've been married for 16 years to a woman who has major stress/anxiety/depression issues that manifest themselves into a scenario where we sort of co-exist now in our apartment and raise our two beautiful boys. We went from being extremely close, lots of dates, lots of love making and fun over the first 6 years to almost a complete crippling standstill. No intimacy (unless I really express that I'm extremely frustrated), and she has a tendency to work all week, then hole up in the bedroom with the door closed while I deal with the boys. I find myself in this constant state of regret (for the kids having to basically have any and all activities go through me), anger (at the changes that have occurred, especially intimacy wise) and helplessness because her reaction to any sort of talking about any of these issues is to get immediately rageful and say things like "I'm sorry I'm such a horrible wife, I guess I'll just go kill myself, maybe then you'll be happy". I signed us up for couples therapy because during the more calmer discussions, she cries and says she'd be devastated if I left her, but every time we've started therapy, she bails out after one session because it's "too weird". It's like, once we had kids (who she begged for), she just turned into a different person. I still love her but I spend a lot of my time alone and in this constant state of being hopeful but then being constantly angry/upset. If I leave, I'd worry about the boys, if I stay, I worry about the boys. So I'm frozen.
Over the last few years, I've gone through this bizarre gamut of physical ailments that, at the time I always just assumed were normal health issues of something getting older but the more these things happen, the more I think it's all related to this internal angst I am feeling. In 2017, I woke up one morning and I could see shimmering/floating sperm like dots in my vision. Not floaters (I have those) but like, vibrating dots any time I looked at anything light colored. Eye doc, then neurologist found nothing wrong. After 2 months, it went away only to immediately be replaced by "prostatitis". I was having painful urination, aches in my groin and my sleep was completely ruined. Urologist, blood tests, ultrasounds, all negative. This too went away and was replaced a few weeks later with odd sensations of fire on my skin. My legs and feet would burn like they were being dipped in hot water, with the same sensations on my back periodically. Convinced I had MS, I went through a gamut of tests, brain MRI's, spine Xrays and MRIs etc. All normal. This went away.
In the last two months, I've had my L5/S1 disc completely rupture during a workout (confirmed with MRI) and I'm having terrible sciatica. Phys therapy has helped but now I am dealing with a new, really horrible issue. Whenever I eat anything, I get this horrid taste in my mouth. It's like the taste of whatever I eat get stuck in the back of my tongue and will linger all day, eventually turning into a bitter, disgusting taste. If I eat something else, that aftertaste of whatever I just ate, will layer on top of the original nasty taste. Peroxide rinse, brushing my tongue, Listerine, a trip to the dentist, a trip to the ENT, and no answers. Covid vaccinated (March) and tested recently, also negative.
I read Sarno's books recently and I KNOW my experiences are tied to my emotions. Is what I'm going through relatable? I just feel so tired of having some new thing pop up every few months. I'm tired of doctors, tired of insurance battles, I just want to get to a place where I can feel "normal" again.
