Probably sounds a bit over the top, but I feel like I'm going crazy constantly thinking about emotional reasons for why I am having pain at a given moment (which is a lot of moments!) it's making me also get angry about this whole concept and the fact that I have to keep trying to do it in order to recover. Am I doing something wrong here?
Guava, I was in a similar position to you back in February. I kept reading about how I was supposed to ignore my pain, think psychologically, gain "outcome independence," etc., and I was so far from it it made me really sad and frustrated. I was constantly, constantly thinking of my pain. Even as I was teaching my classes, half of my brain was thinking about the pain, wondering if it was getting better or worse, checking on it, fearing it, etc.
"Thinking psychologically" was not really working for me, at least not how I understood it. I was starting to ruminate constantly about sad things in my life. Rather than lessen the pain, this only really added another component to my misery. I finally gave up on this and started using Claire Weekes's "face, accept, float, let time pass" method. This didn't immediately work, but at least I wasn't ruminating anymore. I continued to journal, but not every day. After about four weeks, I started to feel a decrease of pain.
At that point I started to, very slowly, get back into life. Throughout the winter I had virtually trapped myself in my house, afraid to do anything "extra" than just what I needed to do to survive, afraid to increase the pain. But in March I started to see friends again, even though I knew I wouldn't be pain free. I also started to take walks again, which was really scary and painful. I would walk for five minutes, repeating "It's only TMS" to myself as soon as the pain started. I continued taking 5 minute walks for about a week, then moved up to 10.
Now, in July, I am up to walking 40 minutes a day. I am able to drive up to two hours. I took the bus for the first time the other day! I still feel pain, but I know now that my biggest hurdle is fear. I am not brave enough to go charging back into life, so I do it slowly, a little bit at a time. It's working, but I know the fear/pain will be with me for sometime to come. I try to concentrate on all the things I can do now that I couldn't do six months ago, and I try to have faith that more of my life will be given back to me as time passes.
Hang in there, Guava. Have faith.
