Day 2 Things that make me mad and sad

[itsallinurhead]

Just gonna go ahead and do my journaling here.

Three things that make me feel angry are:

1. I pissed off at society that I don't have a fulfilling career. I feel like the world just doesn't want to use me and that I don't have a place in it. Growing up I did extremely well in school, went to a good college, but my social skills have never quite been there. I am extremely introverted and potentially somewhere on the autism spectrum (very high functioning). I just want to help people and do work that is rewarding, but it feels like every job out there is either beneath my abilities or oriented around exploiting people in some way.
2. I am mad at my ex-girlfriend for constantly being unhappy in our relationship and directing all that unhappiness into anger towards me. I know our relationships problems are a big factor in my TMS because we broke up 2 weeks ago and number of things that were bothering me have already gotten better. We both loved each other I believe, but once we moved into together 1.5 years ago the relationship became hell for both of us. I can't really understand why this happened and it is extremely frustrating that despite loving each other and wanting to be happy together the relationship made both of our lives miserable.
3. I am mad at my parents for encouraging me to develop this repressed personality as a child. I only have a few specific memories, but my nature is to always state the truth, whether it is socially acceptable or not. I believe that my parents constantly repressed these outbursts so that I internalized my self expression as something that would be punished. As a child I basically never talked and to this day it is my first instinct to suppress any sentiments I might have that would potentially upset someone else in any way.

Three things that make me sad are:

1. Sometimes I fear that because of my personality I am incapable of having a normal romantic relationship and am destined to a solitary life.
2. I feel sad that life is mostly suffering. I see the people around me and it seems like everyone is struggling. I wish there was more hope, but I've concluded that life itself is quite bleak.
3. I wish that I had reached my potential or done more with my life. I'm afraid that I never will. I've always had dreams that I was destined to achieve something great, but at this point I have to be honest with myself that I have serious mental and emotional issues and that simply finding some degree of peace and contentment in an ordinary life would be a major accomplishment for me.

 

[plum]

I'm also an introvert (INFJ), and empathise with much of what you write. Have you read Colin Wilson's 'The Outsider'? You call that to my mind.

Wondering, are you artistic or creative in any way?

 

[itsallinurhead]

I'm an INTP. Have not read The Outsider, but I will have to check it out since this is the second day in a row someone has recommended Colin Wilson and I have always felt like an outsider.

I definitely have an artistic side. As a child I was a very good artist, although I gave that up a long time ago and only draw on rare occasions now. For a period in my early 20s I was obsessed with becoming a famous writer. At one point I started a blog that attracted quite a large following, but I became disillusioned with it and later sold the site.

I have a strong suspicion that creative expression has a large part to play in resolving the emotional issues at the heart of my TMS. A lot of my symptoms are centered around my throat which might indicate the repression of my creative voice.

 

[plum]

Methinks you hit a nail on its head.
My woes are tmj/bruxism so centred around self-expression and speaking my truth.
Also a former and successful blogger who let it go.