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There is nothing wrong with our family...

K

KathyBee

Peer Supporter
There is nothing wrong with our family…and you better not tell anyone there is.
Is it standard for dysfunctional families to hide their dysfunction?
Or be in complete denial of it?
There was this dynamic in my family where we were supposed to pretend that everything was normal and nothing was wrong with our family. And my mom was a good person with the misfortune of dealing with two difficult kids. My mom just comes out as so incredibly nice no one could possibly think anything bad of her. So of course letting out my true feelings on this meant I was a bad person. What legitimate anger would I feel toward someone who is so persistent nice?
 
I wrote a book about growing up from 1930 to going away to college in 1950.
I told all about my mom, dad, and older brother and sister and me.
Mom came out like a saint, but my back pain from repressed emotions made me
realize she wasn't a saint, she was human and had her faults. So did my Dad.
I loved them despite some reasons not to sometimes, and I finally just forgave them
and myself (silently, not in person because by the time I learned about forgiving them
( learning Sarno) they had died. But I feel I am at peace with them now and that has
helped heal my back pain.

My brother told me, a few years before he died about four years ago:
"I love Mom, but I don't like her." Well, he had his own reasons.
Maybe he was justified in feeling that way. But I don't think it helped him.

Letting out your own true feelings doesn't mean you're a bad person,
just don't expect everyone in the family to understand you as you do yourself.

Your mother probably was not really so consistently nice. Maybe she was a good actress
at projecting that image. And she may have put a lot of stress on you and others by
appearing to be so nice. Or she just hoped niceness would rub off on everyone else.

Looks like we both had mothers that everyone thought were perfectly nice,
but we and our mothers knew they weren't perfect. They were just mothers
trying to deal with all the stresses mothers have.
 
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