Day 18 Themes in my journal and break time discoveries

[cindy]

• Lots of regret at my past actions
• Feeling wronged or abandoned (and the anger that comes with it)
• Feeling misunderstood, misjudged, undervalued, or disrespected (and the anger that comes with it)

I took a few days off of the program. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the constant emotional prying. But while I was taking a break and going about my life, I noticed an interesting pattern that I have that was kind of an a-ha moment. Whenever I am rehashing an old memory in my mind and it triggers a painful emotion, even for a split second, I will mutter, begin talking to myself, clear my throat, or something else. I also noticed that I can trigger an involuntary physical tic that I've had for most of my life (a shuddering of my neck and shoulders - how odd; those muscles are hard as rocks) by doing something akin to observing or feeling that unpleasant feeling.
I also have begun to recognize the nature of my anxiety - with the help of a recent experience at a concert where I almost vomited for no apparent reason, another thing that has happened to me periodically for most of my life - It never manifests itself in a completely conscious way, and even if it does, I get so involved in it that I'm not really aware I'm experiencing it. So I have to work consciously at knowing when I enter situations that trigger these reactions, whatever they may be. No wonder I have pain. This is just what my mind does, all the time. It doesn't just manifest itself as pain.

 

[Stella]

Wow, congratulations.... lots of insight.

 

[Leslie]

• Lots of regret at my past actions
• Feeling wronged or abandoned (and the anger that comes with it)
• Feeling misunderstood, misjudged, undervalued, or disrespected (and the anger that comes with it)

I have to work consciously at knowing when I enter situations that trigger these reactions, whatever they may be. No wonder I have pain. This is just what my mind does, all the time. It doesn't just manifest itself as pain.

I'm completely in awe (and totally envious) of the insight you have into yourself Cindy! It's truly inspiring. Everything you wrote above is completely true for me as well (including your journaling themes). My "tell" is focusing attention on my fingernails, biting, picking, inspecting - and there have been plenty of occasions throughout my life where there has been precious little there to bite or inspect. I believe it's fairly common knowledge that nail biting is an outward expression of anxiety, and that is true in my case but I always thought there had to be more to it because I would find myself paying attention to my nails at times when I wasn't consciously aware that I was anxious. The more I pay attention, the more I realize that it always comes down to anxiety. I've come to regard the physical pain as an expression of extreme anxiety in my case.