The onion is unpeeling

Had a bad dream last night. I was a kid from a family that had no food. The parents were nonexistent—not helping. Maybe drunk asleep. It was dark and really scary. It felt like total abandonment. When I woke up, I was devastated. I realized that’s what my childhood felt like. (The abandonment part and scary part.)

When I was seven, my foot hurt so badly I couldn’t walk home on it. I hopped home on one foot. It was my first TMS. I think my brain didn’t want me to go home.

Lately, I’m in the thick of some deep grief and pain about my childhood. I am feeling—actually feeling—what I stuffed all those long years ago. I think FEELING is the release. If you can get to the point that you welcome it, it will come.

Not sure if I welcomed this. But for the past 4 years, I’ve been working hard at getting rid of TMS. The onion is unpeeling at its own rate.

Noticing surges of pain increase with these experiences— then they subside to slightly less than before. That gives me hope.