Day 18 The emotions I feel most

The emotions I feel are most at the surface the last few weeks are rage and despair. Having said that, I don't feel that way today. I'm working really hard to feel my feelings as my default has been to be so damn angry at everyone and everything, all while trying to project an image of calmness to the world. But everything sets me off inside, I'm pissed off all the time. Arguing with family members in my head continuously.

I was working with circular breathing the first few weeks, while doing SEP and some EMDR. I felt like I was spinning out of control and having panic attacks all the time. That's new for me. It got so bad that I stopped doing the circular breathing and returned to box breathing instead. I could be wrong but thought circular breathing was stimulating my nervous system too much, and with the other practices felt it was unsettling me.

I may be starting to finally see a correlation with my emotions and the deterioration of my health over the years. I see now there has been such intensity of emotion with the onset of back pain, then later fibromyalgia, then chronic fatigue, then insomnia. Each time I felt like I was having panic attacks when the conditions came on. When contrasted to other physical pain, like breaking my wrist I felt strangely calm about it. Maybe this could be what TMS is about, the intensity of emotion with pain, as opposed to the pain of breaking a bone, which was acute and carried none of the fear with it.

It's small steps and I wish I could release emotions through crying but I'm not there yet. I'll keep working on it.

 

@Mando
This post really highlights your emotional work and vulnerability. Bravo! This is the right path, and you’re clearly on it. Keep going and you will succeed—even if there is currently frustration and setbacks.

 

Haha, so much to practice. I am quietly judgemental of myself and others when it comes to expectations