The 5 Whys (to get to the root of the anger/issue)

Baseball65 said:
but in the TMS creating part of my Brain, I may as well still be 5.
Click to expand...
Oh boy, you said it there. And it really requires sort of going back to that age to figure out some of this stuff. I still don’t think I’m at the bottom of this yet.
 
Diana-M said:
(I’ll give you an example: it’s hard for me to cut off my abusive sister from my life because I like getting what I think is mothering from her, but which really isn’t.) .
Click to expand...

This statement makes me think of what you wrote about your Dad giving you the responsibility for caring for your mother with MS on a plane ride when you were too young for this responsibility. Also, your statements about financial issues causing TMS flares. It seems that you feel unsafe and are looking for protection. Does this make sense to you?

Thank you for so openly sharing your insights, as we all learn from them and each other.
 
Diana-M said:
You are so right, @BloodMoon! Once you know, you know. And now I really know. It has already changed how I’m behaving toward her. And it would be nice if there is an arm’s distance approach possible. But I’m finally starting to accept I’ll do whatever I have to do if it will help me feel better.
Click to expand...

Great progress in this regard. Sister relationships and mother-daughter relationships seem like they are the toughest to resolve.
There is this is a strange dynamic of love and hate and guilt and anger all wrapped up in a blanket of need.

Since I seem to only be able to think in stories. Here is another food for thought for you.
My mother was always a tough cookie but the last year of her life (lung cancer that went to her brain) she got extraordinarily mean with no filter.
I was her emotional punching bag. She actually said that, those are her words. Punching bag.
It was very, very stressful. For example, she would call me up and yell at me about something and hang up on me. Then call me back crying saying, "I don't want you to remember me this way."
My husband saw what this was doing to me. I was extremely stressed out. My beloved father had just died from his illness (their illnesses overlapped). My mother was dying and she was also being mean. It was too much.

The pivotal point of the story now:
When my mother would do something particularly mean to me or to lie to me about something when I was trying to help her, my husband finally said, "You should cut her out of your life. Just stop. Don't talk to her anymore."
My first reaction was OMG I couldn't do that. But I had to think about it a little more.
I finally decided that the pain and the guilt of cutting her out would be more painful than the pain of continuing to talk to her and see her.
My husband wasn't happy about that decision however the act of MAKING THE DECISION, gave me a sense of peace and power.
I was no longer at the mercy of her, I was choosing to accept it. And that changed everything.
 
Ellen said:
It seems that you feel unsafe and are looking for protection. Does this make sense to you?
Click to expand...
Hi @Ellen
I am touched that you remember the details to some of my stories shared on different threads and that you woven them together to find this insight!

I have never actually realized this unsafe aspect that you just discovered. Thank you so much! I will work on this! Great clue!

Yesterday, was trying to look at my history with my sister, who is a year younger than me—to see where it turned from me being the “mother” to her being the “mother.” This safety/protection aspect of my relationship with her has kept me going back over and over again to her abuse—until finally TMS showed up. I have a really strong and even automatic override system. I don’t get mad, I immediately find excuses for why a person has hurt me. I even apologize to them! Which I did with her many times. (Yep. All screwed up!) I think TMS not only protects against rage, but it protects against loss. In this case, a loss my subconscious doesn’t want to deal with: protection.

My therapy, which I know I mention a lot —Internal Family Systems—has been strengthening me in this regard. It’s premise is the Self, a whole wise inner core that can never be damaged, can heal the broken little children within. As I give attention to my little children within, I think I’m becoming stronger. And maybe just now strong enough to be ready to deal with this loss of my sister’s imaginary protection. (Another thing that is healing is Al-anon. Learning to care for myself and not feeling alone anymore among a group of people with similar wounds.) But I am super blessed, because I also have this forum, for giving me support. I am so very happy you think my brutally honest and vulnerable shares might be of help to others. I cannot even begin to thank the angels on this forum for their dedication and kindness. I love you all! ❤️
 
Baseball65 said:
The Day the 'nail in the heel' started, I had been on the phone talking to my SISTER. She had been really pissed at my BROTHER about something. I have been trying to make them get along my whole life, but they just hate each other. When she complained to me about my brother being a dick (WHICH I AGREED WITH) I tried to assuage her anger and tell her to calm down and it was all for the best. (LIE< LIE< LIE...she was totally right...he IS a dick and was being extra dickish)
Click to expand...

It's always the fucking sisters and brothers!!!
Impressive detective work.
And so true how calling the doctor and going down that path would have been a mess.
 
Booble said:
Sister relationships and mother-daughter relationships seem like they are the toughest to resolve.
There is this is a strange dynamic of love and hate and guilt and anger all wrapped up in a blanket of need.
Click to expand...

oh my gosh, yes!!!

Booble said:
however the act of MAKING THE DECISION, gave me a sense of peace and power.
I was no longer at the mercy of her, I was choosing to accept it. And that changed everything.
Click to expand...
Thank you for this story,@Booble. (A sad one!) But I can learn from your experience.
 
Diana-M said:
esterday, was trying to look at my history with my sister, who is a year younger than me—to see where it turned from me being the “mother” to her being the “mother.”
Click to expand...

Your insights into your relationship with your sister have been remarkable. Congratulations. It must feel good to start to understand and put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
I'm curious, have you looked into how you feel about your younger sister being the one to "take care"/mother you?
That she is the younger one.
Do you have some feelings about that?

I ask because a really seemingly silly thing like that hurt me. I'm the youngest in my family but when I was maybe a 10 or 11 or something like that, my aunt and uncle and cousin were over our house one night. My cousin is six years younger and was just a little kid. It was my bed time and I had to go to sleep. But of course my young cousin was up (which didn't seem fair) and I guess the family thought it would be funny for the young cousin to "put me to bed." I was so terribly embarrassed by that. Like reallllllly embarrassed. It stuck with me and I feel like it could be my story when I'm 100 years old that I tell over and over again.
So when you said you were trying to see where it turned from you being the mother to her being the mother, it made me wonder if little you inside is "embarrassed" and angry about that and if you'd looked into that?
 
Booble said:
it made me wonder if little you inside is "embarrassed" and angry about that and if you'd looked into that?
Click to expand...
Wow! Another hot topic for today’s in depth journaling session. I never would have thought of this. But it’s right there. It does bring up shame. There’s a lot going on here! Thank you!
 
Diana-M said:
Wow! Another hot topic for today’s in depth journaling session. I never would have thought of this. But it’s right there. It does bring up shame. There’s a lot going on here! Thank you!
Click to expand...

I'll feel like you are so close to cracking this nut and getting on with your life.
beerbuds
 
Booble said:
I'll feel like you are so close to cracking this nut and getting on with your life.
beerbuds
Click to expand...
Oh please let it be true! One thing that really has my attention on this sister thing is it’s the thing I avoided the most. And she was playing *a very active roll* each time a new symptom has shown up in this past bout. Who knows? Another thing to look into.
 
Diana-M said:
I tried using the 5 whys today and it came down to the core issue of worthlessness (due to abuse). I kinda think I’m probably 5 whys or less away from that on every question or issue in my life. No surprises there. So that’s not that helpful. BUT, I stuck with it and drilled down. Asking many more why’s and then writing freely in what came up and I got somewhere. Some big insights. (I’ll give you an example: it’s hard for me to cut off my abusive sister from my life because I like getting what I think is mothering from her, but which really isn’t.) This took me 8 pages. It was in depth. I have a weird feeling my sister is way at the top of reasons leading to my current stubborn round of TMS.
Click to expand...


The more I journal the more I realize that my sister is ALSO a huge reason for my TMS. (She once convinced me to climb into the hollow part of a pull out sofa and then locked me inside.)

I’m glad to hear you’re gaining insight using this method!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top