Aalya Starfall
Newcomer
Hello,
I am a 33-year-old woman from Germany. I was perfectly healthy, walking 20 kilometers a day.
However, after my father's death three years ago (I was his nursing relative), I had to clear out his house and moved from a big city to a small village. My partner and I were carrying all furniture ourselves, which made me develop tendonitis in both knees (all tendons of the knee were affected, MRI showed mild inflammation). This became chronic and the experience of "losing my legs" made me suffer terrible times.
On Oct. 23, I did gardening work (trimming bushes with a heavy pruning shear), after which I developed tendinitis in both shoulders, upper arms and elbows. Doctors said inflammation and that 10 days of painkillers (Ibuprofen) will fix it, but the pain persisted.
Recently, I developed Achilles tendonitis from stomping on a hard surface with my bare foot a few times while I was in panic and rage.
I am in constant pain, with my mobility reduced to 10%. Homebound for the past 3 years. I wake up multiple times every night with shoulder/upper arm pain so severe that I feel like I have just woken up during surgery.
I am a highly sensitive, empathetic person, a "giver", also having experienced significant loss and trauma as a child (losing my single parent mother to alcoholism at 16, suicide attempt after that, dealing with her alcoholism from 11 to 16, years of bullying at school) and being a people pleaser/fawn responder. I was in therapy for anxiety and panic disorder. Generally low self esteem.
Additionally, I lost my 2 last friends because of my condition (they just couldn't accept it) and my 19-year-old cat died after we moved. I no longer have a life, feel very isolated and now live in constant fear of "injuring the next tendon" or "worsening things even more" and "losing the tiny bit that's left". I feel so broken.
My partner is chronically ill as well, and I feel like I'm a burden to him also. I try to do everything by myself but I can't, and I'm afraid to move my body at all by now.
In deep depression and feeling suicidal, I stumbled across TMS just 3 days ago.
I have noticed patterns in my behavior, such as:
I am torn between seeking medical advice once more and exploring TMS as a potential solution.
I'm afraid medical advice could convince my brain further it is merely physical. Tendon inflammation is all I have ever been told.
From my story, do you think TMS could be a possible explanation for my condition?
I am a 33-year-old woman from Germany. I was perfectly healthy, walking 20 kilometers a day.
However, after my father's death three years ago (I was his nursing relative), I had to clear out his house and moved from a big city to a small village. My partner and I were carrying all furniture ourselves, which made me develop tendonitis in both knees (all tendons of the knee were affected, MRI showed mild inflammation). This became chronic and the experience of "losing my legs" made me suffer terrible times.
On Oct. 23, I did gardening work (trimming bushes with a heavy pruning shear), after which I developed tendinitis in both shoulders, upper arms and elbows. Doctors said inflammation and that 10 days of painkillers (Ibuprofen) will fix it, but the pain persisted.
Recently, I developed Achilles tendonitis from stomping on a hard surface with my bare foot a few times while I was in panic and rage.
I am in constant pain, with my mobility reduced to 10%. Homebound for the past 3 years. I wake up multiple times every night with shoulder/upper arm pain so severe that I feel like I have just woken up during surgery.
I am a highly sensitive, empathetic person, a "giver", also having experienced significant loss and trauma as a child (losing my single parent mother to alcoholism at 16, suicide attempt after that, dealing with her alcoholism from 11 to 16, years of bullying at school) and being a people pleaser/fawn responder. I was in therapy for anxiety and panic disorder. Generally low self esteem.
Additionally, I lost my 2 last friends because of my condition (they just couldn't accept it) and my 19-year-old cat died after we moved. I no longer have a life, feel very isolated and now live in constant fear of "injuring the next tendon" or "worsening things even more" and "losing the tiny bit that's left". I feel so broken.
My partner is chronically ill as well, and I feel like I'm a burden to him also. I try to do everything by myself but I can't, and I'm afraid to move my body at all by now.
In deep depression and feeling suicidal, I stumbled across TMS just 3 days ago.
I have noticed patterns in my behavior, such as:
- Obsessively researching and by that self-confirming my condition (ex.: to me it was clear that nerve-endings had been growing into the degenerated knee tendon tissue and were causing the pain and that this was irreversible)
- Being TERRIFIED of moving my body at all by now because it could cause another injury or worsen the persisting injuries
- Initial activity (stomping, gardening), after that obsessive thinking that it could've caused another tendonitis until panic kicks in and boom -> there it is (small time delay between activity and pain starting)
- Pain in certain areas seems to have a life of its own - knees get better and worsen again (in my thinking this is caused by me resting or by yet again a "wrong" activity)
- My thinking orbits around my pain and body 24/7, and I am in constant fear and panic
- I am a very creative person and used to draw/paint/write a lot, terrified of losing my left arm (left-handed) -> pain in left arm is worse than in right arm
I am torn between seeking medical advice once more and exploring TMS as a potential solution.
I'm afraid medical advice could convince my brain further it is merely physical. Tendon inflammation is all I have ever been told.
From my story, do you think TMS could be a possible explanation for my condition?
