Talking to your inner child and pain relief

TMSers short circuit emotions and stuff them. We learned it as children as a protection. And that’s how we keep filling up our rage buckets, which, in turn, overflow into symptoms.

So the trick is, you want to learn how to FEEL; grieve the emotions, and let the emotions dissipate. You want to stop storing repressed emotions in your body. You want to learn how to start telling yourself the truth about how you feel—- currently, and from the past.

One thing that has helped me a lot when my symptoms are flaring is to ask my inner children what they are feeling. (I have more than one because I did internal family systems (IFS) therapy for three years). I try to pinpoint which one is sad, scared, angry… these are parts of me that stored these emotions during traumatic events, according to Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS therapy. To heal, they need to be acknowledged and allowed to tell their story— allowed to express their pain and be comforted.

When I do this effectively, often my pain will subside, which is really helping to convince me that Dr. Schwartz’s theory is right. (He has worked with Dr. Howard Schubiner, a well-known Sarno-trained physician, in treating TMS.)

If anyone is interested in learning more about this technique, I’ll put a link to a good workbook for self discovery of your inner children. Personally, I think you can do this discovery pretty well by yourself. I felt like my therapist was only a guide. I mostly did the work myself. When I stopped the therapy, I was drained. And it didn’t instantly heal my TMS like I’d hoped. I thought maybe it wasn’t useful, but lately I’ve been drawing from what I learned, and it’s really been a big help.

Here’s the book:

The Internal Family Systems Workbook, by Richard Schwartz.

 

8 year old me immediately started talking about his sister.

I'm gonna try to not trauma dump to hard on you but i just have a couple examples to kind of help you with categorizing this particular person.

When i was 17, i tore my acl. She had tryouts for field hockey and had a partial groin tear from overtraining or whatever, PT said it was gonna take 2 weeks and she missed tryouts, well bad luck. So she started talking telling me in how much of a similar boat we were. I told her, with all due respect, that id need surgery and would maybe be able to run in a year, and shed be back at her feet within 2 weeks. Therefore we were not at all similar. She didnt agree, she missed her tryouts so her year was ruined too.

So this is a brief example but this perfectly describes how i felt my entire childhood. She loved to play field hockey in her room while i was in my bedroom beneath her, terrible noise. Yet, whenever i had some really soft music on of which she could just hear a little bass through the wall thered be drama until i turned it off. Then shed put her on music way louder than mine or sing in the shower incredibly loud at 6am (bathroom was next to my bedroom.

My parents never helped me with this because they 'didnt want to pick sides', but this meant that i had to either comply and never make any sound at all, or fight with her until i ran out of steam and shed do even louder just purely out of spite.

These double standards have pretty much been my life. Its so exhausting to deal with a 'narcissist', especially as the youngest with no leverage at all.

My mind just explodes everytime i think of this, you have no idea how many examples are running through my mind.

I feel this intense frustration and bottled up anger like i always wanted to explode when i was younger. Id also have liked to be able to help myself.

She was pretty much the worst sister i couldve ever asked for. This is just half the story cause shed also intentionally say incredibly mean stuff to me just to try and hurt me. She was always fighting with my mom which made me feel incredibly sad for her and i kind of took on a caregiver role for my mom, very unnatural for a child.

Like i can go on and on and on. Legit on and on, im just trying to not explode through the screen and send 100 pages of all the ways ive been looked past completely. But i still feel guilty for holding grudges against my sister. You see, she just wants to be loved. After she moved out, when i was having panic attacks i could call her and shed be there for me. Shes matured a lot and grown into herself a lot better. I cant talk to her about this, she doesnt really deal with critique very well and gets incredibly defensive ( id call it offense what she starts doing), so i just cant. I have always felt like the juice is just not worth the squeeze, she lives for this.

Schubiner has written about this guilt and its so relatable. I almost feel responsible for the fact that i hold grudges against her. She was just such a terrible sister but she didnt want to be, she just wanted to be loved. THERE WAS NO FUCKING ROOM FOR ME IN THIS HOUSEHOLD. Give me more journaling prompts please ARRRGHH i feel anger everywhere. You know like just SOOO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. You know i feel guilty but at the same time i wanna attack someone im all tight in my back suddenly

 

I cannot express my frustration and anger in a message. I just feel like two examples dont do justice the day to day shenanigans ive had to deal with. Big personalities everywhere, always walking on eggshells myself, going to bed with a fight going on somewhere in the background. wtaf

 

@Mani!
Phenomenal work!!! I can feel your anger through this website. Maybe you could beat on something or break something; try to get some kind of physical action with this anger. Don’t let it go back down under again. You can also write a letter to your sister that you are not going to send. Write it while your anger is fresh and get a lot of it out— as much as you can. Say everything. Then write one to your mom and Dad for not protecting you. And one to your mom about how hard it was to feel sorry for her, try to get in touch with how angry you are about that too.

This will be the first of many times you will have to write about this, but now you’ve got a really good foothold. don’t rush the process just try to feel. I love how you said where the anger is in your body; that’s good. That’s very good.

We talk about narcissism a lot on this website— It’s something that came up for me when I first came here. I didn’t even know what it was, and I had to learn about it and realize that I have quite a few narcissists in my family. My father (deceased, but damage is still done), my sister and my son. It’s a big painful mess, but narcissism is so phenomenally destructive— and you’re right it is impossible to describe how they hurt you. What has helped me heal a lot on this is to do searches on YouTube about narcissism; there’s some great stuff out there. Also Reddit discussions on narcissism are super helpful. Look up ones about sisters. They will really make you not feel alone. They will open your mind and make you think. The guilt you feel and tension you feel of wanting to help your sister, but also the anger and needing to defend yourself against her— this is tension. Conflict inside of you. TMS is born in this environment.

But the biggest thing I noticed out of your whole post— is how sound was part of this abuse. She abused you if you made any noise. But in turn, she could make as much noise as she wanted. Isn’t it very very very interesting that your TMS symptom has to do with hearing?

I can’t tell you how good you’re doing. I’m really proud of you! stick with it!

 

More writing prompts:

How did this make you feel? Write about a scenario when this happened— and remember how you felt. What if you didn’t run out of steam what if you could’ve fought her? What do you wish you could’ve done to make your parents believe you and help you? Fantasize that you’re eight years old and very very strong. Pick some kind of weapon of destruction. I like chains. Start swinging the chain all around the house and smashing up everything and yelling at them that you need help. Write it out.

Start writing out these 100 ways. (take 100 days if you have to.) Take your time— do it thoroughly. After you have a writing session about this, take at least 15 minutes to meditate or calmly rock yourself, or soothe yourself in some way.

Think about this one. Think about how much she actually loves you. Write about what her “love” feels like. Write about how sad it feels to not have a relationship be reciprocal— feel your losses. One of my most painful things was to accept that I really didn’t have my sister— I was making up that I had her. It’s not what I really thought it was. It was destroying me.
Are you really holding a grudge? Or, are you just protecting yourself?

 

Hey thanks for this and thanks for asking more questions.

I want to just say like sound is the way i describe how it was. But she was just taking up all the space inside the household. You know like were all bodies but you feel one anothers presence. Like just always walking on egg shells whilst the other one is being so disruptive. Please know, im not hard to deal with at all. Like i have my quirks and im a little weird but i take up barely any space at all, and i can find joy in giving someone else their space. I'm so easy to live with it is absolutely incredible to even have arguments with me about petty ass shit. It was just absolutely everything: the kitchen, during breakfast and dinner, when we were watching tv at night(i stopped doing that at a very young age cuz id rather be peaceful upstairs), like every single space felt dominated by her. Its just so so so frustrating. I'm legit tight in my back and chest right now.

As for sound being the best symptom, it is, but not necessarily because of that. You see, i was born half deaf and used to be quite sensitive to noise. I was always overwhelmed in crowded spaces and preferred to skip them altogether. I kind of matured into liking parties and what not but i was always incredibly weary of my hearing. This was just the perfect storm to get me down. If i had back pain id keep ignoring it till i were in a fucking coma. This just made me drop everything and pay attention. Ive had a long time of all sorts of issues but they just didnt cripple me to the point that i had to drop my entire life.

Thank you, Diana, really. I told my therapist about this and i felt like that shouldve been so obvious but she just didnt understand what i was tryna say and youve meant so much to me in this short while. The writing prompt to my mom is also incredibly clever. I'll definitely do all those prompts. Im also not sure my sister was actually a narcissist, she just really acted like one. But yeah what can you expect from a 10 yo that is lost in her own world and grasping for everything. She has developed misophonia which you have no idea how right up her alley that is. Only being bothered by other peoples noises (LOLOLOL). This is the split im in, i still feel guilty and like making excuses for her. I will write a letter right now. Thank you

 

@Mani, I feel everything you’re saying. All of it. And I get it. I think denial about narcissism is common. I’m still in it to some extent. What blocks me is the loss I feel —and I have to be strong enough to take that. This forum has totally backed me in this grieving and learning process. (I’m glad you have a therapist. )

I like to say our bodies know before we do. Our bodies know that we’re in trouble. They do the screaming for us. Hopefully one of these days our bodies can stop and we can just do the screaming ourselves— And maybe do some really good damage with chains. lol

feel free to share with me all your writing prompts and things that you are discovering.

 

I have this weird tinnitus that weirdly tunes itself to my mood. Last night and this morning it was very michael buble-esque, the happy kind. Right now im hearing 3 electrical guitars tuned to the max as if it were a grimy rock stadium. I think this tinnitus ive developed is the most special trait ive developed. I cant seem to find anyone that has it like me.

And my sister weirdly really cares for me. Like you'd understand why i havent dropped her if you saw how much she just wants to be loved. I have really really been better with her after she moved out. Her finishing school and whatnot has given her way more space. She was too fed up she is a very stressed individual and took it out on all of us, sad days. I have to deal with this -- like really do, but shes still my blood. And she checks in on me a lot, asking to see how im doing. She always said that she was so afraid i was gonna cut contact after she moves out. Its funny cause ive never told her like then dont make me wanna cut fucking contact you idiot. But ill never actually drop her like that. Maybe ill tell her how much ive hated her some day

 

Like I really tried from a very young age to not be in close proximity with her. she always told me i didnt have a heart and that i was so cold and ruthless, meanwhile i was obviously just trying to survive. Its just complicated, i couldnt even begin to make you understand

 

Btw im sorry that this hasnt been an equal conversation. I got so caught up with myself i couldnt talk about anyone else. Keep that in mind for next time if it bothers you. You shouldnt be like accommodating to me at your own expense.

My parents and sister always told me they loved me, my sister just 10 minutes ago sent me a text saying she loves me. It always confused me cause love was about the last emotion i experienced when thinking of my family members

I suppose you maybe wouldve liked to hear that some more from your parents. Its just an example for how out of touch our communication was. Like i had all these issues that needed fixing and all i ever heard was i love you. Maybe act like it then for a change...

 

I dont mind focusing on you. No worries. You’re on a roll today.

Most people say you have to go no contact with narcs. But others say you can go low contact. I believe the first step is to just plain admit to oneself what’s happening. It’s crazy-making to hear “I love you,” when everything in you feels that’s not true. (My sister says I love you to me, but I feel anything but loved.) I feel hated. If I asked her, she would be shocked I feel that way. Discussion with them about it is pointless. But working on yourself isn’t.

 

I think this totally proves TMS, and it actually is expressing your emotions, just like when you were little and you just wanted your crazy world to go away.

 

Lol yeah ive never worried about it being tms but moreso whether im destined to get better

 

The hard part -- and i can tell that people have done you incredibly wrong -- for me is that she was also just a child. She didnt ask for me to be born, she didnt ask to have all those issues and she wasnt fighting with everyone because she loved it. She was also way better at sticking up for herself. I mean goodness -- she is in law school right now and im in my parents attic.

I can just acknowledge how much ive suffered, and how absolutely disastrous the climate in my home was, without saying shes a bad person. Just now and i start crying btw (i used to absolutely never cry) but just now i told her: "my face is red i was just writing about how mad i am at you for certain things." It sounds out of the blue but wed been chatting for a while. And i was expecting her to do the defensive/offensive thing, but she said: "Up until a few years ago i was just a child and my heart has always been in the right place and ive always loved you and i still do. Please dont feel guilty you didnt say anything terrible. We can chat about it sometime, preferably in person."

Like im now defending her but lately ive been realizing that i kind of love her character arc and that shes grown so much as a person. I dont know maybe this all sounds like bollocks to you. I'd like to hear about your life and your narcissistic family. Its why with my sister i put it in quotes, she had all the tendencies but then again she was just 10 years old i mean ffs. I dont know i just feel bad for myself but yeah...

It is nice and it is all because of you that ive been feeling all these emotions. I feel so weird for putting this on the internet. Luckily this is such an obscure forum that i dont have to worry about outing anyone. Lets talk about you, if you feel like it. I'm not good at being consoling with words like you have been but i try my best yk.

 

But yeah i kind of think back on those days yeah i dont know... I wish older me was there to help myself... Couldve used some help

 

I ALWAYS feel this way. And I regret when I get vulnerable. I feel guilty when I express my emotions. But it has helped me so much. There’s something powerful about committing to your feelings in a group setting. It’s healing. So don’t feel bad. I’m really glad you’ve been able to release some of your emotions today.

That’s great that your sister said she wants to talk. Maybe you will get some healing by being honest with her. Or, at least you will be more in touch with how you feel and where things stand.

I understand completely about wanting to bridge the gap and find a way to interact peacefully with your sister. I think that’s the ideal. I also see the humanity in the situation. Does anybody want to be screwed up? I feel my sister and I are victims of a bad situation that has actually been passed down from who knows how many generations above us. In essence, it’s not our fault —but knowing that doesn’t necessarily fix it. My body is still reacting to the abuse. The thing is, most abusive people don’t mean it. And like you, I always hope that somehow things could improve. Narcissism is evidently on a sliding scale. Not all narcs are alike. So for some situations, it might not require no contact. Maybe other solutions are possible. (But you still have to work through the emotions caused by the circumstance.)

My story is pretty long and tiresome. I’ve talked about it a lot here. Stick around and I’m bound to talk about it again soon. But the bottom line is: I’m slowly figuring things out.