I write this thread because I thing I need some advice here.
I never talk about my emotions to anyone, especially to my mother. I feel resentful toward her because I hold her responsible for not protecting me from the school and family bullying I suffered. I feel also resentful for the enormous amount of pressure she put on me about getting good grades at school. Everything else was meaningless, including friends of sports. Which I regret so much today because those are the things that make you believe in yourself. But because she is (still nowadays) so fragile and unstable I never tried to say anything because I was really afraid that she would kill herself. And even if I am mad at her for this she is my mother and I love her.
With her I didn't have the right to be unhappy (or at least to show it) or it would also kill her. So I spent my entire life pretending, anxious to see if the rare occasions in which my wrath stood up a little would kill her or not. How many times, waiting in the car while she had gone to some store, did I imagine that she had jumped over the closest bridge, leaving me waiting ? I spent my childhood with anxiety, fear, anger and then the sadness of living someone else's life.
So my question is this : to what point do we have to sacrifice to protect others ? Where should the culpability and our responsibility stop ?
I never talk about my emotions to anyone, especially to my mother. I feel resentful toward her because I hold her responsible for not protecting me from the school and family bullying I suffered. I feel also resentful for the enormous amount of pressure she put on me about getting good grades at school. Everything else was meaningless, including friends of sports. Which I regret so much today because those are the things that make you believe in yourself. But because she is (still nowadays) so fragile and unstable I never tried to say anything because I was really afraid that she would kill herself. And even if I am mad at her for this she is my mother and I love her.
With her I didn't have the right to be unhappy (or at least to show it) or it would also kill her. So I spent my entire life pretending, anxious to see if the rare occasions in which my wrath stood up a little would kill her or not. How many times, waiting in the car while she had gone to some store, did I imagine that she had jumped over the closest bridge, leaving me waiting ? I spent my childhood with anxiety, fear, anger and then the sadness of living someone else's life.
So my question is this : to what point do we have to sacrifice to protect others ? Where should the culpability and our responsibility stop ?
