stuck in the middle with me !

[Dee.1983]

I seem to be a little stuck between being a victim (feeling sorry for myself) and wanting to be more compassionate towards myself.
I realised today I have said (normally to myself) and journaled ITS NOT FAIR way too many times.
Now I know being the victim is unhelpful, I think some of this is coming from comparing myself to other ( I've done everything right and this is the hand I got dealt! whilst they do whatever they please and seem just fine....)
poor old me.
However I also don't want to go back to the usual inner voice which is; get the fuck over it and pull your socks up and try harder!! also not helpful.
so where do I go ?
I believe acknowledging that I am going through a really tough time that's been going on for a long time is important. perhaps acknowledging other peoples struggle too and I am not alone but just human is possibly helpful. but after that I'm stuck between either feeling sorry for myself or shouting at myself - which are both totally fucking unhelpful ...
so I'm stuck - how do I get unstuck ?

 

[feduccini]

First, great song!

Now, I see the "not fair" ranting as positive. Journaling is an exercise of letting your inner child speak freely. It's just thoughts coming from your id, not who you really are. I use a punching bag combined with those kind of thoughts as part of the work.

There's a difference between being the victim and being vulnerable that you can use to gain perspective. I'll let @JanAtheCPA explain that if she will since she grasped this concept way better than me.

And finally, life's unfair. How come a person who suffered intense bullying or sexual assault or had an alcoholic father should suffer with years of physical pain in the future, and the perpetrators live well as if nothing had happened? It's unfair as fuck! So at least take this rage and use it in your exercises. I'm sure you can find ways to externalize it without hurting anyone.

 

[Diana-M]

Dee,
I think you’re going through the normal process. I know I go through these feelings over and over. But they have died down to more of acceptance. Acceptance brings peace, which I think helps your body. Those of us with stubborn cases of TMS feel angry that it’s taking longer than we thought. But the better way to look at it is: You know the true path to getting better. However long it takes, you will get better. This is good news right? You have to keep focused on that.

 

[Joulegirl]

I'm not an expert by no means, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I think some of our recovery just takes time. I had a stage where I did feel sorry for myself. I called it the "why me?" phase. And sometimes that can creep back up on me with no warning. For the most part, the way we talk to ourselves and our perception is what is going to get us unstuck. Also, just accepting where you right now are at is ok-it's part of your journey. Don't put pressure on yourself to get out of the unstuck phase cause that will set you back too.

Keep going in the SEP-it helps so much!

 

[Dee.1983]

First, great song!

Now, I see the "not fair" ranting as positive. Journaling is an exercise of letting your inner child speak freely. It's just thoughts coming from your id, not who you really are. I use a punching bag combined with those kind of thoughts as part of the work.

There's a difference between being the victim and being vulnerable that you can use to gain perspective. I'll let @JanAtheCPA explain that if she will since she grasped this concept way better than me.

And finally, life's unfair. How come a person who suffered intense bullying or sexual assault or had an alcoholic father should suffer with years of physical pain in the future, and the perpetrators live well as if nothing had happened? It's unfair as fuck! So at least take this rage and use it in your exercises. I'm sure you cant find ways to externalize it without hurting anyone.

well I do feel like I have Clowns to the left of me and Jokers to the right ( in my brain box) although they are of course stuck in the middle with you...
Ok so maybe letting the inner child rage isn't so bad as long as I don't become a victim, I may need to sit with that for a while to work out the difference - I have been toying with the idea of a boxing class to let out some anger in a more healthy way... perhaps I'll crack on and book the class..

 

[Dee.1983]

You know the true path to getting better. However long it takes, you will get better. This is good news right?

I do know the true path, every so often I wondered if I had joined a cult ( no offence) but then I realise that is a combination of my TMS brain and years and years of conditioning in a biomedical model. Today I had a symptom pop up to help prove its all TMS. I had almost forgotten this whirlwind of shit started last September with my ears ETD - now when people say you just stop focusing on it and it goes - I've been like that's impossible, but I was so hyper focused on my head / face sensations I literally forgot about the popping / crackling / tinnitus - then just like that its flared up - which I'm pleased about, yes I'm pleased to have tinnitus because it has given me the real fucking proof my subconscious needed to be sure about this mind body stuff, the fact I am saying I'm pleased to have tinnitus feels crazy, but it feels better than being angry and fearful and frustrated with it like I was back in January...

 

[Dee.1983]

I'm not an expert by no means, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I think some of our recovery just takes time. I had a stage where I did feel sorry for myself. I called it the "why me?" phase. And sometimes that can creep back up on me with no warning. For the most part, the way we talk to ourselves and our perception is what is going to get us unstuck. Also, just accepting where you right now are at is ok-it's part of your journey. Don't put pressure on yourself to get out of the unstuck phase cause that will set you back too.

Keep going in the SEP-it helps so much!

You are right it is all part of the process - just like spending time and money on all the 'biomedical' stuff for a long time before you get to the mindbody stuff it kind of has to be in that order before you accept it and maybe I need to be here before I can be at the next point - I think I was just stuck in how do I talk to myself ? definitely not with harsh criticism but I didn't want to be all 'I'm a victim' either.. Maybe I just need to be here for a while and I'll figure that out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

[Diana-M]

@Dee.1983 —You are getting somewhere!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I'll let @JanAtheCPA explain that if she will since she grasped this concept way better than me.

I don't know, @feduccini - I think you did pretty well on the topic and it looks like @Dee.1983 is getting there...

 

[JanAtheCPA]

It's hard to explain vulnerability - but I do often say that victimhood, where it exists, needs to be replaced with vulnerability. It's like victimhood is a defense mechanism, in which "I expect to experience bad things" is a defense mechanism against isolation and abandonment, against really feeling the grief and the loss of nurturing and love that you craved as a child and continue to crave now.

 

[feduccini]

@Dee.1983 I just realized I made a typo in my last sentence that turned the meaning upside down, but what I meant was: I'm sure you can find ways to externalize it without hurting anyone.

 

[Dee.1983]

It's hard to explain vulnerability - but I do often say that victimhood, where it exists, needs to be replaced with vulnerability. It's like victimhood is a defense mechanism, in which "I expect to experience bad things" is a defense mechanism against isolation and abandonment, against really feeling the grief and the loss of nurturing and love that you craved as a child and continue to crave now.

That makes a lot of sense and feels like a healthier way to approach what I have been through..thank you