Struggling through so many emotions

[Verde]

Hi All-
I'm new to the Forum and have worked through successfully Sarno's book in the past and was pain free for about 3 years. Then about 6 months ago I began to have back pain after an injury. It escalated and 2 months ago crippling pain with sciatica. MRI shows splonylolesthesis L5-S1, large herniated disk and consequently severe neural foraminal stenosis. Right away fear kicked in and after a few weeks I turned back to Sarno's books.
I lost my best friend, fur baby, and companion of 17.5 years about 4 months ago. I thought this might be all grief, but then it hit me that in losing him I lost my whole family. Someone else in the thread talked of journaling revealing feeling scared, alone, enraged, and shame. I can't say how many times I have written I feel terrified and alone. I think he kept the monsters at bay for so long and now it's all crashing down. I feel insecure about it being TMS and am having a hard time letting go of the gripper has on me at the moment. I will be working through this program and I am grateful to be here.
Verde

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Verde, and Welcome to the Forum and Wiki.

My heart goes out to you in your grief, and in your realization of how much support you had, what you've lost, and where this may land you now.

I suggest that you are on the right track here. And that the lack of support and loss cannot so much be fixed, nor can the mind-body activations be fixed, as much as they all can be held with understanding and compassion. Simply feeling your situation, with tenderness, and connecting this with Dr. Sarno's work can be very healing in all the ways that you need. I suggest patience and self-care, and that you allow the love you have for your fur baby.

I send you good wishes in this process.

Best,
Andy

 

[Verde]

Hi Verde, and Welcome to the Forum and Wiki.

My heart goes out to you in your grief, and in your realization of how much support you had, what you've lost, and where this may land you now.

I suggest that you are on the right track here. And that the lack of support and loss cannot so much be fixed, nor can the mind-body activations be fixed, as much as they all can be held with understanding and compassion. Simply feeling your situation, with tenderness, and connecting this with Dr. Sarno's work can be very healing in all the ways that you need. I suggest patience and self-care, and that you allow the love you have for your fur baby.

I send you good wishes in this process.

Best,
Andy

Hi Andy-
Thank you so much for the reply. I am still struggling and realized that when I sleep in the bed I shared with him I wake up gripping my hands (they are numb) and in a ton of pain. I have moved to the other bedroom as I try to work through this and other things. I have noticed that I experience many flashbacks of terrible life events from childhood and beyond and at times I am simply overcome. I have had a few largely pain free days and notice that when the pain returns my inner bully is in full force criticizing me for not doing even this perfectly! I am working on the patient part and found the video on "Can you try too hard" very helpful and made me laugh because there is that chunk of my brain that says I'm going to do all of this perfectly. I even told myself before my darling furbaby died that I was going to grieve properly and perfectly. Talk about pressure...

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Verde,

Thank you for your heart-felt response. It seems you're really becoming aware of the superego, and the way it tries to limit our experience. It wants to keep us in a familiar sense of self. Interesting to note that the activity increases when your pain subsides!

It is quite common that we get Inner Critic attacks for TMS work. I hope you can defend your right to do it the way you're doing it, confident that you're making progress. This is apparent reading your post!

It is great to understand all of this as pressure. I made a lot of progress with this process when I understood that the pressure of the superego is the cause of the "inner tension" which is the original idea of Dr. Sarno's as the root cause. Pressure equals tension.

Andy