Struck gold during journaling

Happy christmas eve folks, i have had quite the journaling breakthrough. Posting for support and yeah pretty much that I was noticing that certain posts of high schoolers really gave me an awful feeling of regret. I have had pocd for a long time so i --obviously-- started blaming myself but I think theres more underneath

You see, during HS i got mono and i quickly lost all my friends whilst sick in bed. They got mad at me every day and after a while they kicked me out. I had this post mono cfs whatever and it took ages (like 2 years). I ran very pale for a long time after and my parents always told me and it made me incredibly self conscious. I had such a negative self image and i pretty much didnt dare pursue anyone. I also didnt feel safe at home and thus never took girls home and only the guys they knew. I was afraid that if i stopped bringing in the 'cool' kids my family would be disappointed, so i told them they couldnt ever know my friends because i didnt feel comfortable. (If they knew nothing they couldnt be disappointed.)

I think I deep down always resented myself for this. I mean, how could I not? I have always repressed these emotions. I wasnt always that aware of what i was missing out on. I think i was repressing them because they were too painful.

Now were here and i cant get that time back. I cant go back to being innocent and without worries, figuring things out being all awkward and cringe. I have always pushed back on advances because i knew i couldnt take them home because i was so worried. I just could not ever take people back home because i was afraid of losing them. I was also really insecure so whenever someone was interested i just had to tell them no. I really dont know how to cope with never living my high school days to the fullest. I was also kicked out of the popular group (during mono) so i was a loner during high school and all my friends were outside of school whom i did see a lot. Although frankly, I wasnt as popular and cool as i wanted. Now still whenever i see young people (especially boys and girls together) having fun i get this bad bad feeling in my stomach. Isnt this crazy? Id never ever thought of this. This is just like finding journalspeak diamonds. Theres so much guilt and regret and sorrow there. I can feel myself lightening up as im writing this. Lord knows how much ive yet to find out.

Thanks to all the lovely people here being supportive. I really have had tough days but this is such a lifesaver -- thank God. If anyone has some good journaling prompts regarding this, I'd love to hear them

 

Great post Mani! Lots of what you wrote speaks to me. I remember the obsessions with popularity, I was the literal meme of the kid eating lunch in the bathroom (yuck) until I realized the high school library wasn’t so scary. I know the jealousy of seeing younger people having fun (why couldn’t that have been me, wouldn’t I be so different now if my formative years were happier?). I even find myself with profound sadness spending time around my toddler nephews.

it’s tough to live in the now and find joy in the present and belief that the future can be full of happiness and meaningful relationships. But I think we can get there!