Day 8 still hopeful

[Leslie]

Here I am, working my way through day 8 of the education program and 3/4 of the way through my second read of The Mindbody Prescription in the same number of days. I would like to say that I am 100% convinced that I have TMS, as I see myself on most pages of the book and in so many posts on the wiki. Unfortunately there must be some portion of my subconscious that is not on board because the pain hasn't really improved.

I'm struggling with meditation. I can't seem to quiet my mind and I haven't been able to focus in months.

I'm really struggling to make the past/present trauma/stress and personality lists. I find my mind going blank or that I start to write something down and then get into an argument with myself as to whether or not the event "qualifies". I try to get past that by telling myself that if it came into my mind it should be on the list, but it usually doesn't work. I believe my problem here is that I can't seem to stop approaching it as though it's going to be critiqued and graded by some higher list "authority" so any suggestions anyone has to jump this hurdle sure would be appreciated.

I'm wondering if my pain tolerance might have something to do with my lack-there-of progress. I have been told by multiple medical people throughout my life that I have an incredibly high pain tolerance, powering though things like broken bones and shooting a 16 gauge nail through 2 of my fingers (accidentally of course) with little to no pain medication. One doctor actually told me that my personal level 5 pain was to be regarded in the future as my level 10 pain. Once I got a look at a standard pain scale I thought that was completely ridiculous since most people NEVER experience level 10 pain and remain conscience for any period of time. Nonetheless, the seed has been planted in my mind. Even during the course of the past 18 months of neck and shoulder pain, which have brought me to tears at times, I have used minimal medication for the pain. I don't know if it's because I think I deserve to suffer, or if it's because I don't see the purpose in possibly creating problems for my liver and kidneys to temporarily relieve a problem in my shoulder.

 

[Stella]

You never can quiet the mind. You are basically slowing it done. I have been meditating for about 6 months. My mind is still very busy. I never get it to shut up. i just gently focus back to my breathing telling myself I am "completely relaxed". I have a high pulse rate so I use a count of 8 in and 8 out when breathing. it slows everything down so much.

No one sees the list but you. I believe if you initially thought it belonged on the list then add it. You can choose to write about it or not when reviewing your list. Some memories on the list are more important then others or at a later date become more important. You have lots of time to write and will continue to write past the 37 day program.

You have brought up an interesting point about having a high tolerance for pain. I, too, have a high tolerace for pain. I assumed it was related to having numerous health issues over the years. I don't believe, for me, it has anything to do with anything. Maybe others have some insight.