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Day 19 Status update and some venting

B

berlinale

Peer Supporter
I am on day 19 of the SEP (after intensive self educating for probably another 3 weeks before) and really started my work with 100% conviction. in the first few days I felt I am on a good way. Despite having the same symptom severity, I felt mentally better and was starting to look more positive in the future. Nevertheless, I just had two really bad days that came out of the blue without any recognizable trigger and doubts begin to sneak in again whether I will heal. I am still convinced that TMS caused my GI symptoms, but the fact that I am basically back where I was 6 weeks ago and yesterday felt even worse, frightens me a bit.

I have basically read everything about TMS. I do not know if somebody can relate, but the reading exercises begin to somehow bore me. And I have journaled already about so much stuff that this gets a bit repetitive as well. I am aware that it is only my mind that is sending me these negative thoughts and that they are only thoughts and I should take them not as reality, but I am struggeling with it and start blaming myself for it. I even caught myself starting to worry about what happens after I have finished SEP in 3,5 weeks from now when I did not improve at all.

I know at the end it is only me that can help me get back on track again but I had the feeling that making a post about it could help me to get rid of some of these negativity. So, consider this as my journaling exercise for the day. :-) Hopefully I will be able to post some more positive news in a few days.
 
So basically your mind is scrambling to find reasons for you to create yourself, tell you you are not worthy of healing and that you’ve done enough work already.
This is good news!
Being bored with the readings means you are ready to put what you read into action!
You’ve learned that searching for triggers beyond a few minutes of self-inquiry can be useless (and sometimes it’s not).
That your mind defaults to the negative, and that it’s hard work to reverse a lifetime of learned habits. That time and patience for the process while not giving up or giving into those thoughts is a delicate balance at first..
That flares happen, and learning to handle them with peace and grace is part of the work, while not giving up.. because the truth is you are totally worth it.
You are doing the work while in the thick of it, well done!
The truth is also that a 45 day program to learn skills does not magically mean that you will have finished the work and be “cured”. It’s like learning math. The course teaches you the concepts, but until you utilize what you learned regularly, you won’t fully understand all the ways that these concepts can be utilized. Be open and willing to see that 45 days to “success” is not a pressure for you.
 
Hi Cactusflower. Thx a lot for your view on this. this is very valuable. after posting my and reading your text i already felt a bit better.
 
Indeed - it's very common to experience worse symptoms, new symptoms, old symptoms returning, anxiety... basically anything your brain can try to throw at you to convince you this isn't worth doing.
Cactusflower said:
The course teaches you the concepts, but until you utilize what you learned regularly, you won’t fully understand all the ways that these concepts can be utilized.
Click to expand...
Explained really well!
Cactusflower said:
Be open and willing to see that 45 days to “success” is not a pressure for you.
Click to expand...
Yes! Letting go of pressure and expectations allows room for emotional growth and the all-important requirement to be patient and kind to yourself.

The more you practice, the easier it is to get back on track. For better or worse, life will always give you plenty of chances to practice! It does get better.
 
Hi @berlinale,

I just wanted to check in on you, since we're SEP buddies and then I saw this post, and it actually fits perfectly into the SEP day 23 post suggestion about things I avoid about this program.

I was thinking a lot about the repetition of journalling and the nature of boredom, because sometimes I find myself doing ANYTHING instead of journalling, during my journalling time. I'm like "Oh! I have to send this email!" or "Oh! I need a cup of tea first!" or "Oh! There's a bird outside!" (It was, in fairness, a really pretty bird).

But, then I remembered something one of my psych professors said about procrastination. She said it's actually a form of anxiety. That "bored" feeling is our brains trying to avoid an anxious feeling. Like, we don't avoid studying for the math test because it's boring, that's just the defensive lie we tell ourselves, because we are afraid of failure, and if we don't try then if we fail then "I wasn't trying anyway." Because if we put our entire selves into something and then fail, then we don't have the excuse of we weren't really trying, we just failed. And failure feels like shit, so our brains want to avoid it.

Maybe, we struggle with some of the same stuff here?

Anyway, I creepily looked up the weather in Berlin today and it looks like you are in for some gorgeous weather for a couple of days. I hope you get a little sunshine and take some of that pressure off!

Your overly enthusiastic American friend,
-homorobothead
 
Hi homorobothead,

great to hear from my SEP buddy. and thx a lot for your always empathic input. when I read your posts i tend to think that you must be a real TMS veteran, yet you are a newbie as I am. How amazing. I am so happy for you that you are doing so well.

I totally agree to what you write about procrastination. And i think it fits very well to a perfectionist personality like we are. Because what we are afraid of more than others, is ...failure. maybe it is a good topic to journal about it a bit more.

The fact that you looked up the weather in Berlin put a big smile in my face. How nice of you. Yes, the weather is really great since 2 days here and it is great how positively this effects my mood and feelings. where are you located in the US and how is the weather over there? hopefully you can also get some sunshine wherever you are. it has such positive effects on everything.

By the way, a really pretty bird is always worth to watch, even when journaling. Because feeling joy in our life is so important for us. So I would not consider it as procrastination at all :-)

Wishing you all the best and the best weekend you can have!
 
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