Stalled

Hey guys,

I think I have stalled in my healing. Currently, I am journaling for 30 days based of what kind of questions ChatGPT gave me. (It was geared towards my original symptoms and I really have liked it.)

I've been exercising 4 times a week by walking/running in the evenings. I enjoy it so much and usually after I run-if I have pain, it is gone for a little bit.

I'm living life despite it being crazy with my kids activity schedules. I find things I enjoy doing-like gardening, decorating, or reading.

I've carved out two times a day to meditate. This just calms me down since I know my nervous system is always on hyperdrive.

But I can't get past the original symptoms. I don't have a time limit on healing but I do think deep down I am discouraged.

This has caused me to wonder if this is TMS or something entirely different. So then I refer to my evidence list to try to calm my brain down. In September, I definitely had more flares to even thinking it was food/drink was causing it!

What are some tips that maybe helped you get out of this funk when you feel stalled and your mind tries to convince you that it's not TMS? Thankfully, I HATE going to the doctor after my runaround in 2024 so I'm not going down that route again. There was absolutely nothing more they could do to help me.

Thanks guys!

 

Whether right or wrong approach, idk, but honestly I think it’s completely normal and acceptable to have these moments of feeling discouraged. It sucks, and pretending it doesn’t and that all is well and okay isnt really helpful. I think there’s a balance of falling into victimhood and complete and utter despair and pretending that being in constant pain is totally okay and that everything’s great! It’s okay to have bad moments, it’s normal to have moments doubt, I do think meeting us where we are at with self compassion is so important.

But if we accept that the modern medical model has no answers for us what options do we have aside from continuing this path? We’ve seen where the medical merry go round leads, where panicking and catastrophizing over our symptoms leads. For better or worse this (TMS work) is the best option we’ve got.

I do think the pressure and expectations are a killer, my symptoms should be gone by now, or I need to be pain free by x date, or if I’m not better by x I’m going back to the doctor. It’s like we’ve internalized our trauma and turn it around on our brain and nervous system and want to believe we can bully it into submission. I think for a lot of us, external trauma led to nervous system dysfunction but overtime we became the lion that keeps us in perpetual fight or flight.

everything improves for me when I’m my own ally and friend, everything gets worse when I go back to being my own bully, putting pressure on myself. I have moments of low symptoms, but then when my mind isn’t occupied by pain it turns back into thoughts like, get a better job or go back to school you underachiever, why don’t you have any friends, how are all those hobbies going that you always quit, when are you going to move out from your parents house etc etc. it’s no wonder I get symptoms, what a convenient distraction from the bully that is me!

 

@Joulegirl -
Gosh perfect timing! I felt the same way today. And I think it all comes down to what @Rabscuttle and @JanAtheCPA wisely said. Expectations are killer. And honestly, don’t we all expect to be better sooner than later? It’s so easy to picture things being better by such and such a date. And when that date comes, your world comes crashing down. But we have to just Stay Thankful for every good thing we have. That makes it all easier to take.

And I agree with Rabscuttle—honestly, what other choice do we have? I always like to remind myself that folks on this forum have succeeded in getting past all this, and we can too. But like Claire Weekes says: it takes time. Just keep chugging along. No matter what.

What Jan said is key (for me, especially!) There are relationships that we can’t escape—and some we don’t even want to escape. Kids are a big one. The world is so fast-paced right now, and especially with expectations on parents to give their kids all these great afterschool experiences. It’s a lot of pressure! It can be infuriating, even if you actually want to do it. On my end, my grandkids are so BUSY, I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like. (My inner child is raging about that!) So today, I did a crazy thing and wrote them each a letter! lol They are ages 5,6,10 and 13. The five year old actually wrote first! What a surprise. This is what I’m focusing on today—what I can do—not what I can’t do— rather than how my symptoms seem to be worse than a year ago (for today.) What can I do, but carry on?

Historically, all of my TMS episodes eventually faded away. Some took years. This episode has been the longest. Going on 3 years. But I have 100% data to prove TMS can go away…eventually.

I have noticed that journaling really helps when I’m low. It just drains out the frustration and sorrow. Just dump it all. Anything that comes to mind. Write til you’re empty.

The meditation is awesome. It’s a lifesaver for keeping your nerves calm. Just remember: all of this takes time. Be brave. You got this! ❤️

 

@JanAtheCPA Thank you for your advice. I am extremely conflicted on raising kids right now. Between the world, their teenager attitudes (sometimes), and just their future, I hope I'm doing a decent job. I like to think I'm doing way better than how I was raised but the world is a very different place now. I'll keep chugging a long. I definitely don't think this situation is rare-we probably all have felt discouraged or stuck at some point. It was just extra heavy on my heart today.

@Rabscuttle I don't think I have expectations but maybe deep down in my heart-I do. I need to watch that and just keep living my life and giving myself compassion. You were the one that commented to me about maybe stopping drinking coffee last month in my post. And I was super resistant to it. But I did end up stopping. There is nothing wrong with me-my endoscopy was clear! But I wonder if my nervous system is just receiving warning signs on certain foods and drinks right now and jumping right into them isn't helping me. I think little things sneak up on us and our brain is receiving the danger signal and we have no idea!

@Diana-M I'm glad my post resonated with you today and that we both know this is super common to have to wait it out. Journaling has been a lifesaver to me-I like spending time writing what I think and what I feel. I like the questions that make me pause while I see what emotions come up. My old TMS episodes have faded away as well. Insomnia was a big one and by not caring at all I was able to resolve it. If it comes back up, I just tell myself that my body is smart enough and will get the right amount of sleep it needs. But I just can't say that to my original symptoms just yet because they do freak me out.

 

Hugs! ❤️

 

First of all, kudos on the excellent responses you have gotten above. What a great group of people there are here.

I read all of your original post and can feel your frustration but I'd like to talk about the above as I can especially relate being a father of teenagers (one of which is about to "level up" out of that group, though I don't expect his behavior to change!).

I've found that every parent I've ever encountered has thought that the current age their children are in is the hardest. You have a 5 year old? That's the hardest? Got it. Oh you have a "tweenager?" That's the hardest? Got it.

But for me the teen years are the hardest as this is the age the kids willingly, consciously, and naturally drift away from you. It also coincides with the time that they are their absolute snottiest. And it's these moments that I find I self-shame as "my dad wouldn't have allowed that kind of talk" and so forth. (The truth is, I have done some deep thinking and can remember quite a few times I talked to my dad in exactly that same snottiness) Of course, we don't remember that in the moment, it's just shame and guilt that we've raised them poorly and their mistake-prone, argumentative, don't know much but think they know everything, etc.

Then that's not even considering the external environmental factors as you mentioned above, all the things that could go horribly wrong for them while they're out interacting with the world (especially when driving - ugh!)

You're absolutely right, it definitely wears heavy on the heart sometimes. Good luck to you and I hope you have a light day soon.

 

Mr Hip Guy,
Yes! It’s so true! And I thought I’d be DONE at some point, and I could kick back and rest from it all! Lol But instead, it never really ends. It just gets more complex. Kids-in-law. More kids to worry about come along. It goes on and on. So deep down—-the peace has to come from us. And learning not to shame ourselves.

 

It’s completely okay to feel down or discouraged sometimes, I think that's a part of the process. If you read through success stories, you’ll see that most people felt stuck at some point, yet they still went on to recover and heal in the end. And I don’t just believe you’ll all succeed... I know you will. Every one of you in here is such an inspiration to me. You keep going, no matter what life throws at you. If it weren’t for this forum, I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to keep pushing forward. You are the reason I keep going.

I can already tell that each of you is going to make it - every single one of you. So keep shining, and keep fighting. I promise, it will all be worth it in the end. Whether it happens next week, in a few months, or even in a couple of years, the timeline doesn’t matter. What matters is that you keep going.

Those 10 symptom-free minutes I had not long ago were absolutely euphoric. I promised myself that when the symptoms returned, I would always remember how worth it the journey is going to be in the end. Trust me, it will.

Big hugs from me (who is also having some very hard days at the moment)

 

@Mr Hip Guy YES!!! The teenager years are hard! I'm torn between missing my babies and but also excited to see them grow up and (hopefully!) become productive adults. My son is a senior this year so I know I have been battling that conflict within me as he is making decision about which college is he attending. I'm so excited for him-but I'm going to miss him a whole lot! This is something I definitely have been journaling about. I laughed when you said that every parent thinks the current age of their child is hard. I'm assuming that when they are young adults I will think that is hard too!
Good luck to you too! It's not for the faint of heart!

 

Me too!!! Thanks for your post Monica. You just made me cry. (But that’s not too hard. lol) ❤️

 

For what it’s worth— it was really hard when my kids went away. It’s just such a passage. So sentimental. And a huge loss! But you’re supposed to be happy for them, which you are! But it’s two conflicting feelings. It really is painful.

 

Bingo. As with so many other sources of stress. We mostly do this to ourselves.

 

@monica-tms Giving you big hugs as well! It's so nice to be a part of this forum where people understand!!

 

Oh you just know it, and Diana above basically confirmed it!

 

This! as @monica-tms says, @Joulegirl... because what you're experiencing is imo a form of 'outcome dependence' that's liable to stop you from 'keeping going' if you let it. Don't let it! I've quoted the following elsewhere on these forums, but I think it's worth repeating...

From 'The Pain Reprocessing Therapy Workbook: Using the Brain's Neuroplasticity to Break the Cycle of Chronic Pain' by Vanessa M. Blackstone and Olivia Sinaiko:

"The goal is not to make the pain go away and never come back but to change the way in which you respond to pain when it arises. The sneaky truth? Learning to respond to pain in an outcome independent manner is what ultimately causes the pain to go away. Maybe not this instant but over the long term, this new way of relating to unpleasant sensations is the secret to deactivating pain pathways. On the other hand, if making pain go away is the outcome you’re set on, paradoxically, it’ll make it that much harder to actually achieve. Understandably, you want out of pain... But the tighter you hold onto that goal, the further away it will be... learning to relax your grip on the outcome is one of the best things you can do for your own recovery."

I can attest to the above... When I was bedridden, unable to stand or walk due to mind/body symptoms, and asked my husband to bring me some carrots on a tray for me to peel from my bed, I had no expectations at all of going from there to getting to where I am now (able to function pretty well by comparison); at the time I was at rock bottom and my only aim was simply to do something, anything, to feel somewhat useful. Then from there, with my very very gradually doing more and more things by means of teeny weeny 'baby steps' my lot improved; the improvement was often tiny and fleeting and could be easily missed. What was pertinent was that I was free from the tyranny of any expectations of getting back to normal and thus wasn't tightly holding onto any goals (I'd read Dr Sarno's books and wasn't a 'book cure'). However, I nonetheless believed that my brain was causing the symptoms (mainly because my symptoms were so crazy and just didn't otherwise make any sense). You don't have to be at rock bottom without the expectation of getting better though, the main thing is to release your grip. Keep on keeping on doing what you're doing for the sake of doing them, enjoying your running and gardening etc.

 

Love this!

 

I learned to call stalling “plateaus” from @TG957 ‘s book .. it is a very neutral word.
I believe it’s normal for many people. It’s like the peeling of an onion.. layer by layer. I feel like I am in a plateau right now and then I find myself pressuring myself about not moving forward, not being satisfied with the progress, wanting to do “more”… wondering what I’m not doing enough of..
Then I remind myself that thinking is old patterns and that I may be making progress my mind isn’t letting me see yet. So I take inventory of the progress, and of the thought patterns that can keep me in loops…
I still have some of my old symptoms and lots of discomfort today. It’s been a few years, and instead of being discouraged about the sensations, I was proud of myself for not letting them trigger me to react, but during my day made conscious choices about wether to push myself or not. That is progress.
To me it looks like you are making great progress! Twice a day you’ve chosen to put yourself first so that you have space for others. You have shown incredible commitment to this method.
You’ve mentioned you are still in hyperdrive - that takes time to unlearn plus we are entering a season that is so good focused along with many other pressures. Plateaus are not bad. You might be uncomfortable, but s plateau allows us the time to just live life and practice through repetition, the skills we’ve learned .

 

I really believe this is true.

 

@BloodMoon Yes! I sometimes forget outcome dependence. I look at my meditation and journaling as "calming my mind" not getting rid of my pain. But I still try to focus on getting rid of my pain on other parts of my day. I love the quote from the book-I really need to check that one out!

@Cactusflower I love calling it a plateau instead of stalling or being stuck. That is a much better way of looking at it. I definitely feel like I am making progress, but this just takes time for sure!