Day 8 So far...

[Moose]

I feel like I've turned a corner the last couple of days. I've managed, with the help of this page, to actually let myself feel real anger at my father for the first time AND allow myself some self-compassionate thoughts: http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program (That page is really excellent, Alan Gordon is amazing!)

I'm going in to work feeling more confident that I can do my job and get through the day and I know that I can and will feel ok at the end of the working day most of the time. It's great! My pain seems to have shifted today and is less in my hands and suddenly in my jaw, which I'm hoping is a good sign.

I've been thinking hard about my past, and I've realised there's a lot of unexplained aches and pains I've had over the years that were probably attributable to TMS - particularly as a teenager, when I was always dismissed as having 'growing pains' (yeah right, as if that's a real physical thing...).

I've had mixed success journalling; some days I get really emotional and others I don't seem to feel much at all even though I try, but I reckon this might just be a case of overload, and since I'm not used to feeling so much in general, I'm getting exhausted by trying to surface too much too close together. But I'm going to keep working through the programme and not put pressure on myself

Even if my pain completely disappeared tomorrow, I'm really keen to carry on with the programme because I can see how much I'm benefiting from it psychologically

 

[gailnyc]

It sounds like you've had great progress so far, Moose. Congrats!

 

[Leslie]

I've had mixed success journalling; some days I get really emotional and others I don't seem to feel much at all even though I try, but I reckon this might just be a case of overload, and since I'm not used to feeling so much in general, I'm getting exhausted by trying to surface too much too close together. But I'm going to keep working through the programme and not put pressure on myself

This happens to me too Moose. The perfectionist gets in control and tries to push and push - after all isn't that how we've always gotten results in the past? A very wise person reminded me not all that long ago, $$ cost is not the only reason that most professional therapy sessions generally happen no more than twice a week for one hour intervals. The fact that there might be another patient scheduled is not the only reason a therapist will very compassionately say "it's time to stop". Too much, too fast is overwhelming exhausting, and ultimately counter-productive. Keep working the program remembering that just as much (sometimes even more) progress and healing is made on the days off. Many of us TMSers had no idea what a "day off" actually was until they showed up in the program. Of course, if you're anything like me, the first time you saw one it completely blew your mind..not to mention how angry it made me. I remember thinking, well, anger can't be the emotion I'm repressing because I'm experiencing plenty of it at this computer for suggesting that anything could possibly be accomplished by doing NOTHING. One of the things I've learned here is that the concepts that are most foreign to me have been the most beneficial to become familiar with - self compassion is key!

 

[Moose]

Thanks Gailnyc!

Hi Leslie, yeah, I'm really trying to be a bit easier on myself. I'm my own worst critic, but it's been really helping to picture that inner child ("Mini Moose") that's in all of us, and remember that part of my unconscious really is timeless and CAN'T take that kind of criticism. One thing I'm trying to deal with now is a lot of anger and frustration at my family (who are sh*tty), as I've realised just how little they care about or respect me. It's hard but I have to deal with those feelings that have always been there. And I can't even tell them because they'd just deny it and try and make me feel bad/stupid/immature for even being so selfish as to have feelings of my own, as they have done many times before

 

[Leslie]

The upside to having difficult family issues (I can relate to those you express) is that you don't necessarily have to "confront" the difficult members and possibly subject yourself to their responses in order to heal. I could easily expect similar reactions as you describe if I were to take those steps with some members of my own family. I would encourage you to journal about the difficulties with your family. Something that has been extremely helpful to me in moving past some of those really powerful feelings was using the unsent letter technique. I found I actually had to type them in word documents because I type a whole lot faster than I write and my pen could not keep up with my thoughts. I was completely shocked by the results, I could not get over some of the stuff that poured out of me (things I don't ever remember consciously thinking) and the length of some of those letters was amazing. The best part of the letters is that they are your healing. It's the writing that sparks the healing, not the delivery. You don't need someone else to know your feelings in order to heal from them, what you actually need is for you to know your feelings. Of course the best part is that a word document can be easily deleted and there's no added healing benefit from hanging onto them after you've written and read through them. Those feelings are really difficult to deal with, especially if you've been trained by all those same people (as I was) to put their feelings ahead of your own. It helps me to call a picture of "little les" into my head when I realize I'm beating up on myself. I was a pretty cute 5 year old if I do say so myself and when I get an image of her in my head and make myself think about actually saying the thoughts I'm having outloud to that little innocent girl it can stop me right in my track. Another thing that I've heard makes it even more effective, which I haven't tried yet because it would involve encountering some of those difficult family members to get, is to actually keep a photo of yourself at a young age with you that you can actually look at to really drive the thoughts home as to who you're actually beating when the internal critic is running loose. If you ever want to talk about difficult family feel free to send me a private message, I hesitate to share too much detail out here for the whole world to access.

 

[Moose]

Thanks Leslie, I may just do that tomorrow when I get 10 minutes to myself!