Should I end my relationship due to symptoms?

[waruwarui]

Hi everyone! I've been contemplating breaking up with my partner due to my symptoms. I can't give them the attention and love they want and it's been weighing on me. I feel like it's such a huge stressor and I often find myself wearing myself thin due to the symptoms plaguing me and trying to have a serious relationship.

My partner and I have been together for 5.5 years and they say they understand what I'm going through but often get irritated that we can't operate like a normal couple. I feel bad about myself and the relationship often. I know I'll eventually get out of this TMS hell hole but I feel like it's not possible in this relationship...

What should I do?

 

[Diana-M]

Hi, I’m somewhat new in here, but I know some of the healed gurus on this wiki would say you should journal about this relationship and see if it’s causing your TMS. Sometimes the cause of TMS is hidden in plain sight.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

journal about this relationship and see if it’s causing your TMS. Sometimes the cause of TMS is hidden in plain sight.

I don't think I could have come up with a better idea than this!

 

[Cactusflower]

I’m gonna say that my experience is similar to yours @waruwarui
I have had serious and completely disabling symptoms on and off for 11 years now - the symptoms can vary in degrees but for 2 years I was bedridden (that is more recent, it’s also happened in the past).
It is extremely stressful for my partner. He’s had panic attacks - and that is because he doesn’t feel he can express his frustration and anger, sadness and resentment at the situation for fear of “upsetting” me. I had no room for his emotions and feelings at one point (I didn’t have room for my own) but that changed doing TMS emotional work. During this time I clearly voiced my love and that I was doing everything I could to get to the point it would be better. It is better. Not where I’d like it to be, but way better.
Talk to your partner, give them some space to vent. Do your journaling and present journaling as option to them too (mine chose no, but I gave him my ok to discuss it all with our best friend).
This is a relationship, of two people, and it should be dealt with and discussed between two people.

Check into your people pleasing tendencies when journaling and ask yourself about the space you can hold for other people’s emotions esp. “negative” ones, and your comfort to do so without having to fix or make them happy.

 

[Diana-M]

he doesn’t feel he can express his frustration and anger, sadness and resentment at the situation for fear of “upsetting” me.

Talk to your partner, give them some space to vent.

This is a relationship, of two people, and it should be dealt with and discussed between two people.

@Cactusflower,
It is so amazing to hear of your journey. Coming back from bedridden —- and more than once! Thank you so much for your advice, help and example.

I love what you said above. TMS brings so much stress down on a relationship, and I do believe the partners go through just as much stress, even though it’s slightly different than it is for us. It really tests a relationship.

I guess on the same token, personally, I have wondered if there is some aspect of my relationship that is causing me TMS. It could even be my people pleasing traits that need to be corrected.