Romantic relationships and TMS- would love your help!

Hi All,
I am a lifelong TMS sufferer, the knowledge of TMS and all of the methods have utterly transformed my life and pain and anxiety have dramatically improved, thankfully!!

So here is my question. I struggle SO much with romantic relationships and as such have not been in a romantic relationship for many years, but to have a partner is something that I long for in my life. I seem to get anxiety every, single time I date someone. Most recently I have gone on 3 dates with someone, I have had a nice time, had fun, it felt relaxed but I also experienced doubt (am I attracted to him enough? Is he funny enough? I noticed he can be a little pushy) my thinking brain would be up for going on another couple of dates with him to see if things could develop, but my TMS symptoms/somatic body is shouting YOU ARE TRAPPED you must escape immediately! Some further context....I grew up in a traumatic household where relationships didn't feel safe and my only long-term relationship involved me caring for someone I felt trapped with!

Do my fellow TMS suffers have any insight into whether my body is just letting me know 'this person isn't right for you, you don't like them" or if it I have a fearful learned response to romantic relationships and this is something that I need to push through? Since dating this man I have headache, neck-pain and anxiety so it feels pretty intense and unbearable! I communicated with him that I find dating difficult and can't feel under any pressure. He reassured me that I am not under any pressure but still it feels difficult to manage.

Any help would be very gratefully received! Thank you in advance.

 

Perhaps that little voice is not your TMS brain but your incredibly razor sharp intuition that is giving you good advice?
If you have done TMS work in the past, this is great journalling fodder! Bet you can figure out if it’s always fear taking or your deep inner self that now knows you well and knows what you want and need.
Make some notes of your values, beliefs, strengths, interests and use these for discerning if you just want to meet people or if you are searching for a life partner.

 

Hi, I was complaining of not having a girlfriend, this summer I got one. Unfortunately I didn't stand the pressure, thus my thyroid swelled. They say that when the thyroid right lobe swells is because "perform, or else". I was so afraid if loosing her that I manage to spend all my energy trying to please her.

Unfortunately I had toey her go, because I'm now facing chronic pain again.

So I keep running away from TMS. It is a shame.

 

This is pretty much what avoidant attachment personalities are. I am one. Yes relationships are difficult. Haven’t dated in 2ish years after I really hurt my ex by being avoidant and subsequently super toxic. As you describe, it is very common in those raised in ‘unstable’ households, we feel we can’t rely on anyone but ourselves and learn to associate relationships with profound risk in terms of losing our freedom/agency.

I would Imagine there is overlap between TMS and the non secure attachment styles (anxious, avoidants etc). as these types are almost certainly going to have childhood trauma and somewhat dysfunctional thought processes. In my experience it isn’t something that’s just going to go away. It needs to be challenged, which I struggle with.

I think Cactus brings up a good point about considering the possibility that this is your intuition and you should examine whether you feel you can trust it. The early dating/ relationship phase is when you should feel the most enamored with someone, not that it should have to fade, but it’s interesting you’re getting these signs so early.

 

My first thought is if you have to ask yourself if you’re attracted enough, you probably aren’t. My second thought is, you should always listen to your gut instincts. That’s your early warning system. Trust yourself. If you think someone’s controlling, they probably are. You would know this, having been trapped before. I think for people from traumatic unsafe childhoods, it’s extra hard to date. Without therapy to change your patterns, you’re likely to end up in something like your childhood again. So therapy is a good first step. It’s hard to use TMS symptoms as an indicator. They could be flaring because your brain thinks you’re unsafe—and you are. Or, they could be not wanting you to go out of your protective solitude bubble, which would be good for you. I wish there was an easy answer At the very least, I would go slow. And journal A LOT.