jokeysmurf
Well known member
Day 8 I decide to go fishing again. This time just to be out in the sun and enjoy the day and be with the dog. As expected back pain, and this time a load of emotions and memories tied to this pressure I put on myself. As ridiculous as it sounds being good at fishing when I was younger gave me the notion to feel superior to others because I was made to feel inferior to so many. Though it changed what i loved into something that became a job, or a chore something with an ulterior motive, to hide shame and fear.
I kept casting as the pain spiked and I felt somatically and emotionally all the charge it brought. I gave myself affirmations and it moved from fear to anger. I imagined myself doing harm to those people of my past, the pain spiked more and I kept imagining and it kept spiking until it produced this feeling that I didn’t really want to hurt anyone, which I knew inside, but it was an image of remorse or something that came over. Maybe this is forgiveness or the beginnings of it. It’s something I haven’t been able to do.
Tears came and the pain lessened. I had finally been able to see behind this innocuous act of casting a line into water as metaphor of what which was buried deep beneath the back pain, As I watched the lure slowly wobble to depths. I kept tracking and more emotions and more acts of “renegotiation” of past scenarios were imagined and eventually more and more pain before it finally stopped altogether. No pain at all. It last a mere 3 mins or so but I had finally broken this cycle, even if only for a moment.
I was able to see something inside. I was able to see past the pain to the real pain.
I’m sure my next outing won’t be pain free but I see something more important than being free from back pain, to tend to this past of repressed emotions.
The rest of the day my emotions kept rising and eventually anxiety set in for several hours and some moving symptoms. It felt like something was broken loose now.
This gives me more hope even though I feel some real hard work is ahead. It’s like I removed a cork from a bottle and something is spilling out now.
I kept casting as the pain spiked and I felt somatically and emotionally all the charge it brought. I gave myself affirmations and it moved from fear to anger. I imagined myself doing harm to those people of my past, the pain spiked more and I kept imagining and it kept spiking until it produced this feeling that I didn’t really want to hurt anyone, which I knew inside, but it was an image of remorse or something that came over. Maybe this is forgiveness or the beginnings of it. It’s something I haven’t been able to do.
Tears came and the pain lessened. I had finally been able to see behind this innocuous act of casting a line into water as metaphor of what which was buried deep beneath the back pain, As I watched the lure slowly wobble to depths. I kept tracking and more emotions and more acts of “renegotiation” of past scenarios were imagined and eventually more and more pain before it finally stopped altogether. No pain at all. It last a mere 3 mins or so but I had finally broken this cycle, even if only for a moment.
I was able to see something inside. I was able to see past the pain to the real pain.
I’m sure my next outing won’t be pain free but I see something more important than being free from back pain, to tend to this past of repressed emotions.
The rest of the day my emotions kept rising and eventually anxiety set in for several hours and some moving symptoms. It felt like something was broken loose now.
This gives me more hope even though I feel some real hard work is ahead. It’s like I removed a cork from a bottle and something is spilling out now.
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