Recovery is not linear (repeating this to myself!)

Back before Thanksgiving I decided to give the Curable app another try. When I had the free trial, I liked it but I don't think I interacted with it too much. This time I decided I would do a lesson a day and if I was dealing with a pain episode I would use the panic button. So far I have been loving it-I've really only missed a couple of days.

That being said, my pain has completely changed. Something that I thought I had healed from is back with a vengeance. Since I've been doing the Curable app, I've now noticed that my severe IBS has calmed way down and my nerve pain is back. And it is a doozy. Usually when I have symptoms of it starting, I can talk to myself about it and not fear it. But this flare got to me and I guess I feared it. And then it just kept getting worse until I realize last night that I was in severe pain from it.

It's wild to me that I know this is TMS 100%!!! I know that my brain could turn off stomach pain easily and switch to another pain. Or my brain can turn off all pain and I get relief. But I've had no consistency to see a pattern of how this works, but am extremely thankful that I've experienced this firsthand so I have confidence this is TMS!

Before I knew about TMS, the only way I knew to get rid of this nerve pain temporarily was to see a PT and then they would work on nerves on my spine. Looking back, I just wondered if it was a placebo effect or it really did work. I also took a prescription to help with the nerve pain. I've tried taking it again and it hasn't even touched the pain. Isn't that wild that it worked before but not now?!?

Obviously, working with the Curable app has stirred up my nervous system. In addition to the app, I've also been working on my OCD. I've been using the stop method that @Baseball65 has told us about. I also have just told my OCD that I don't want to do the "compulsion." I'm tired of being told what to do with my OCD and that has seemed to work. I'm really working on hard on my years of self neglect.

I write this be long book just to say, that recovery is hard sometimes and it is not liner. I've had some fantastic pain free times this year because of doing the SEP and learning more about this. But I've also had pain stirred up because my nervous system is still trying to keep me safe. I know I've had TMS since I was 9 years old (my first memory of it) so it's going to take time.

I look at what I'm feeling today as encouragement that I'm going in the right direction. I hope that anyone reads this knows that there will be ups and downs. I did get discouraged last night when the pain levels increased but I have the power to work on this by journaling and using the app. The only way out is through!

And how @JanAtheCPA simply puts it: "What the f* else can you do?!?!

 

@hang tight, @Joulegirl! You’ve got it on the run! When I get tempted to be overwhelmed, or afraid, I swear by The Mindful Gardener (Helmut). Every single video, he talks about how it got so much harder before he got better. And with all different serious curveballs thrown at him. He just kept staying the course—doing things anyway.

I was just thinking of him earlier today. I’ve been trying to do more things for myself, and it’s amazing how much resistance I’m getting to just stand up. I mean—seriously?! It’s honestly mind blowing that your own body can do such extreme things to its own self. So, I started asking myself these questions: are you going to die right now? (no) are you going to fall down right now? (No) is this the most pain you’ve ever been in before? (no; but it’s scary) why is it scary? (because it’s weird; who can’t stand up and microwave something?) so what if it’s weird. Tell that stubborn little lizard that you’re going to microwave something! (OK!) don’t back down. (OK, we’re not backing down.) think of Helmut. he wouldn’t back down; he would say this is great training. (yes he would say that. I’m going to tell my lizard right now: WE ARE SAFE! Change your programming. it’s safe to stand up in the kitchen! Ridiculous!) that’s right! Get mad. Don’t be so easily scared.

here’s a really good 12 min. Helmut video for ya! “ why symptoms are not a sign you’re failing”

 

@Joulegirl Your post is truly inspiring — it really shows how far you’ve come in understanding your brain and your symptoms. The way you’re sticking with Curable, working on OCD, and choosing self-care over self-neglect is seriously brave, and this flare really does sound like a sign that things are shifting at a deep level. You’re absolutely right: recovery isn’t linear, but everything you wrote screams “on the right track” — keep going, you’re doing this.

I have a theory about this kind of thing, why it would happen... In my case, before I knew about TMS, I used to go to a chiropractor and for me (apart from a couple of occasions when my lower back muscles and the muscles around my right sacroiliac area spasmed, torqued my pelvis out of line, and then set like concrete which made manipulation completely out of the question) it always magically worked really well for a while, but was only ever temporary. Years later I read somewhere that chiropractic 'adjustments' have been shown in research to bring a bit of increased blood flow to the area. I know it's said that Sarno's theory of mild hypoxia causing symptoms is outdated but, personally, I think it's just one of the ways the brain creates symptoms. To me it seems plausible as I doubt that my chiropractor experience was a placebo because I went for osteopathic treatment (before I ever saw a chiropractor) where they cricked me about and it made not one iota of improvement, so that experience didn't make me have high hopes that chiropractic would help.

Bravo! I was saying in another thread that I didn't recognise before that my mental ruminating amounted to being OCD. I too have been using the 'stop method' but also what's helping a lot is using visualisation. For example, when I find myself experiencing looping thoughts I visualise tension swirling out of my body and down the drain or I picture wax softening and melting, that kind of thing, and it works a treat. (And although I try to remain outcome independent, I can't help but notice an improvement in my stamina and remaining symptoms, as well as my general mood, since I've been doing this).

 

That's fantastic—your lizard brain interrogation is such a smart, no-nonsense way to push back against that resistance, and bringing in Helmut as your tough-love motivator is genius. Standing up to microwave something might seem small, but challenging the fear head-on like that shows real strength and progress. It's so encouraging to read, and imo you're handling this brilliantly!

 

Thank you! That gives me courage, especially coming from you. I KNOW you know!

 

@Diana-M Thanking you for linking that video. I think I'm on the right track but wow-this really surprised me! This is the first time that I'm not using medicine for IBS and I'm not having any symptoms. But then this nerve issue popped right up and I didn't have much a break! It has to be the symptom imperative. And of course my brain is wanting me to call the PT. Wanting me to call the dr just-in-case this might be something different and not TMS. Cause you know, this might be a special case.

@BloodMoon Either way, I'm holding back on the PT for now. I want to follow Sarno and not rely on someone else when it's my emotional state. But it is very tempting since I want to see if I would feel better asap (although it would be temporary!)
Sometimes I find myself stuck in a compulsion but I really am just fed up with OCD. It's been going on with me since I was 9 and I'm 46. I'm tired of not putting myself first.

 

I KNOW you’re on the right track! It’s almost laughable how obvious and desperate your lizard really is getting. Think how distracting a PT would be. So time-consuming… Tell your lizard you’re not gonna fall for it.

 

@Diana-M PT would be distracting! It is 45 mins away from where I live, I'd be dealing with city traffic, and paying a big copay. I'm going to see if I can journal this tonight and continue to work on the Curable app. I think that is where my focus needs to be.

 

Yes, yes, yes! Your brain knows it would be totally consuming working on that PT… no more time for curable. a couple weeks ago I had this really painful nerve twinge going down the back of my left leg. It was new. I really have never quite had that before. it distracted me and it scared me for a while and then I just got mad. I started saying: “I refuse to accept this. I’m not accepting this symptom!” (sometimes you can do that when something’s new, and it will go away.) and it did! (I wish that same thing worked for things that have been hanging around for a while, but it doesn’t as easily.) try banishing it!

 

I can really understand that. I can't tell you how many times I nearly caved in to go for chiropractic treatment, but it was remembering that it would only be a temporary fix that stopped me... Like you, I just didn't want to rely on someone else (plus it didn't help with all my other symptoms; it only worked for my back pain).