Progress, setback, hope, fear

Ach. Things have been crazy the last 24 hours. I was getting to a place of consistency and feeling like I really was coming out of this. Symptoms were pretty mellow.

While on a run last night I had the thought "I can't believe I ever thought this could be structural; I'm fine and this is going to be gone soon." I really was feeling good. Then later that evening I moved in a certain way and felt a scary sharp pain and my brain immediately went "oh no, it's reinjury!" without me even having a chance to shut it down. I calmed myself and went to bed but woke up at 4am in a total panic, feeling symptoms that felt just like the early days of TMS, worrying that it was starting all over again, that it had been an injury after all. Thankfully my girlfriend talked me down and said the right thing to get me go back to sleep.

I've been really delving into journaling and confronting some big shadows in my life. Stuff that was labeled "do not go there" in my brain. It has felt relieving to get it out and I feel like it has actually been driving some of my reductions in symptoms, but I've coincidentally, or not coincidentally been waking up drenched in sweat the last couple nights. I don't know if that's the subconscious or my evening runs or work stress or what, but something is going on.

Today I eventually got back to believing that I'm not injured, and probably never was, but the fear did its work and I'm having a bit of a flare up that I'm just trying to breathe and move through.

Anyway sorry for the rant. I don't know what's happening, but at least I'm not stuck.

 

It’ll take a little bit for your system to settle down. You’re doing great!

Progress is not linear. And making mistakes is expected, and doesn’t start you back at zero, keep that in mind!

How you bounced back sends a powerful message to your brain.

 

Thank you. Feels like my brain realized I was really starting to not care about the symptoms and threw a new/old one at me to keep me scared. Classic TMS behavior but damn it if I’m not scared all the same.

 

I am in the exact place!
I had a terrible day yesterday…today was great but then came this evening and symptoms ramped up. I’ve spent the last hour looking up pain clinics & specialists
My mind racing to what if worst case scenarios.
Jekyll & Hide lives within!
It’s mentally draining

 

It’s not fun. But I think I’m getting over this wave of fear at least, even if the symptoms linger for a day or two. I’ve been through enough good-ish weeks and enough obvious triggers for bad flares that I can clearly see these aren’t really *pain* flares, they’re fear and anxiety flares. I mean obviously pain happens too, but the former is the driver for it.

I think the idea is it gets less mentally draining with more practice responding to your symptoms without fear. But that’s hard to do when you’re in a flare.