Progress Report (Good News)

Hey guys! I know I disappeared for a bit (I’ve found that only coming here specifically to read success stories or when I feel like I need encouragement vs just hanging around on the site all day is the best formula for me) but I want to share my progress and get some encouragement.

Since the last time I was here, I had two new symptoms pop up - knee pain and elbow/forearm/hand pain. The knee pain probably did start as an actual strain (I was overcompensating for the pain in my back by bending my knees instead of my back every time I needed to bend down to get something) but I have a feeling that both are just more TMS symptoms bc I’m better at seeing the patterns now. They alternate with each other (the knee pain will go down to a 1 or even 0 for hours/days/minutes but the second it goes down it’s replaced with elbow pain, and vice versa. Both will also consistently stop and start at specific times of day) and the odds of getting tennis elbow literally two weeks after getting knee pain, when I’ve been doing nothing different at all with my arms, kind of ties it all together and makes me go hmmmm.

Las time I was here I was also stressing about a spot on my back that hurt after I dragged a heavy cabinet and now hurts sometimes if I move/bend over in that same way. I was stressed because I was already planning to get an MRI of a different part of my back that had started hurting for NO reason (pelvis/SI joints) and my other big symptom (hyperacusis) makes the idea of getting an MRI done really scary. Then I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to get any MRIs after all and thought this would help me but really it just (kinda inexplicably) made me more stressed.

Yes, I know that’s a lot, I probably sound like hundreds of other ppl here describing their crazy long list of random symptoms lol. But anyways: I went to a doctor, described what all is going on with my back and was sure he was going to say I now needed two MRIs and that I really hurt myself. But he actually said that because the spot the pain is in is very far away from my spine, it’s likely a pulled muscle/tendon/something and the reason it hasn’t healed yet is because I’ve done nothing to exercise/heal it aside from avoidance and overcompensating with weird movements (hence why the knee pain might have started). He suggested going to physical therapy and told me the only MRI worth getting here is the one for my pelvis/SI joint since that one is totally unexplainable.

After my appointment, I told my dad (a physicians assistant) what he said and he agreed. My mom (a nurse practitioner) agreed too and she had actually told me basically everything the doctor told me before I even went. My dad also told me that, speaking from experience, when you go to physical therapy, the first few times it’s GOING to hurt afterwards, but that it doesn’t mean something is broken or worse and that I shouldn’t feel discouraged or scared into quitting by it. It worked for him. He also pointed out that in the area that hurts, the only thing there is muscle - no bone/spine at all.

So I know in a way it goes against a lot of what we say here, but the fact that THREE medical professionals have all agreed that I’m clear for physical therapy and telling me not to be afraid finally gave me the confidence I needed to start trying to exercise again. I also know some ppl here don’t like physical therapy since it can sometimes focus too much on “fixing things”, but for me a big part of my anxiety WAS being afraid to try even the smallest exercises or stretches. Instead of going into PT thinking of it as “I’m going to this to try and fix broken parts” I’m going to think of it as “I’m going to this to purposely move and stretch the parts that my brain thinks are broken TO SHOW IT that I can do it safely”. It probably helps too that I’m only 24 so people are more likely to encourage me to strengthen my body than they are to try and discourage me into being scared of exercise.

Any words of encouragement would be really appreciated here!

 

This is a really understandable way to frame it, and it's great that you've got three medical professionals telling you that you're safe to move – that kind of reassurance can be huge when you've been scared of your body for a long time.

A gentle caution is to be very honest with yourself about what your real focus is once you're actually doing PT. It's completely possible to tell yourself "this is mindbody" while still secretly monitoring every sensation and going mainly to "fix" something you feel is or may be structurally wrong. You truly don't need formal physical therapy in order to move your body normally and show your brain that movement is safe, but if you're going to do it, going to a PT who is enlightened about TMS would obviously be best. (I've never been to a personal trainer myself, but other forum members have opted for that instead of PT because it's usually about general body-wide fitness and building confidence, rather than zeroing in on "putting specific things right". If you go that route, look for one who listens to your fears, progresses slowly, and focuses on overall movement rather than symptoms.)

For a lot of people with TMS, something more openly mind/body-oriented—like tai chi or qigong—can be a better fit for rebuilding trust in the body, because the emphasis is on calming the nervous system, softening fear, and moving gently, plus building body-wide strength, rather than on "correcting" a problem. Something that lifts your mood, like gently swaying to low-volume music (I started there and ended up dancing in my living room every day as part of my recovery), would also be beneficial. Since TMS is ultimately a manifestation of anxiety, anything that genuinely soothes and de-escalates your fear response will usually help the most.

You're also very aware of your symptom patterns and inconsistencies, which is good TMS evidence—the risk is that it turns into constant checking and obsessing. Lightly noticing, then shifting attention to your emotional life and to living your actual life, is far more likely to be productive than tracking every flare and swap of symptoms.

It sounds like your confidence with movement is starting to grow, which is encouraging progress. The emotional aspect is just as important though—whether that’s through Nicole Sachs’s work, JournalSpeak, or something else that feels right for you. For some people that means structured writing like JournalSpeak; for others it’s approaches such as somatic work, gentle grounding or “soft anchoring” for self-soothing, expressive writing in different forms, or other mind/body oriented techniques.

 

I don’t know how well it will reach him/her, but I’m going to tell the PT when I go exactly what everyone has said, that literally everybody (including 3 professionals) has said that there is nothing broken and that the problem is in my muscles (technically true, because TMS is about muscles) and that the real reason it still hurts even though the incident was over 2 months ago is because I became too afraid to stretch/exercise/do anything involving moving my back (and thus did nothing to help myself). So, having someone watching me do basic exercises and reassuring me that even if there’s a little pain/discomfort DOESN’T mean I’m breaking something or that I should get discouraged is what will really help me the most in PT right now. Hopefully this will give them enough confidence that they’ll be more on the encouraging side and less on the “be SUPER careful and STOP the minute you feel anything” side. Again it helps that I am 24 and not an older adult who they’re automatically going to assume has everything wrong with them lol.

You’re right that I’ve gotten better at noticing the patterns, and I am trying my best to “lightly notice” instead of monitoring them. Overall I’ve come a long way since the beginning and ngl the first incident with my arms (where I was doing nothing and all of a sudden it felt like everything in them strained and spasmed at once, and it stopped when I “talked back to it” - I wrote about it in another post here) played a huge part in that. It’s what moved me from “idk if I believe TMS is real” to “I believe TMS is real, I just don’t know if MY symptoms are TMS/I don’t know WHICH of my symptoms are TMS” (because if TMS isn’t real then WTF was that??? lol).

I think JournalSpeak is going to be the first method I’ll try since that seems like it speaks to me the most. Funny enough, I tried it ONCE a couple weeks ago and then had the worst symptom day I’ve had in a while (seriously, I couldn’t believe how bad I felt that night - I went to bed feeling like I had gotten beat up) However, I think this was because I was so scared that the JournalSpeak wouldn’t work that I stressed myself into having worse symptoms for the day by monitoring them too closely. I realize how dumb this is (of course there’s no way I would’ve felt better after only one day, that’s why Nicole Sachs calls her method of getting started with journaling/proving to yourself that it works the 28 day challenge and not the 1 day challenge LOL) and am going to try again. I can’t say I’ve given it a fair chance unless/until I give it a real try and not a weaksauce try lol