Day 24 Positive Changes and Reflection on Caretaker Article

[Kiara]

I've noticed a number of positive changes in my life since I've started the TMS Wiki Structured Education Program. I guess the most obvious is that I'm learning to control and overcome my pain. So far I've had the most success in overcoming back and stomach pain, although I'm learning to deal with my neuropathic pain as well.

The SEP has helped me unearth a great deal of anger and repressed emotions, which has been invaluable. As well as that, I feel like I'm becoming much more peaceful and having less anxiety or depressed feelings. I've been doing Christian guided Scripture meditations on a daily basis for twenty minutes, in addition to my usual devotional times, which has made a real difference.

They involve slowing down breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, Bible verses, affirmations and a guided visualisation at the end. I really like them because they help me relax, and they are compatible with my faith - so I feel quite comfortable listening to them and doing the exercises.

I often sit outside on a bench in the backyard and take my shoes off, so I can put my feet on the grass and have a little bit of sun on me. I was told by my doctor that I'm deficient in Vitamin D, so I want to get more sun exposure (without getting burned of course!).

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I also realised that I've let go of many one-sided relationships where I was helping/counselling other people, as I have become aware that I have a "goodist" personality. It has been a positive experience to let go and stop helping people, and realise that I don't have to feel guilty. Of course I may continue to help people in the future, but I want to do it out of a place of abundance and genuine love, rather than out of false guilt or obligation.

I also want to be wary of getting into relationships where people become overly dependent on me, as I know this is not only bad for me - it can also undermine the person in need. It may also stop them from seeing a counsellor, making changes and getting the professional help they really need. I read the article "The Price of Being Nice" and it very much resonated with me today.

I realised that I've had some TMS pain in my back and neck today, as there is still one person who continues to contact me and vent about their life issues. I did some journalling and brainstormed solutions for dealing with this person, so I feel more peaceful and confident that I can respond wisely. I also talked to my housemate about the situation, and it was useful getting an outside perspective, as it helped me to be more objective.

 

[Kiara]

I also really like these points of advice given for the Enneagram Type 2, called "The Helper". It confirms what I read in the article, 'The Price of Being Nice'.

Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Twos

• First and foremost, remember that if you are not addressing your own needs, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to meet anyone else's needs without problems, underlying resentments, and continual frustration. Further, you will be less able to respond to people in a balanced way if you have not gotten adequate rest, and taken care of yourself properly. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others' needs—it is simply common sense.

• Try to become more conscious of your own motives when you decide to help someone. While doing good things for people is certainly an admirable trait, when you do so because you expect the other person to appreciate you or do something nice for you in return, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. Your type has a real danger of falling into unconscious codependent patterns with loved ones, and they almost never bring you what you really want.

• While there are many things you might want to do for people, it is often better to ask them what they really need first. You are gifted at accurately intuiting others' feelings and needs, but that does not necessarily mean that they want those needs remedied by you in the way you have in mind. Communicate your intentions, and be willing to accept a "no thank you." Someone deciding that they do not want your particular offer of help does not mean that they dislike you or are rejecting you.

• Resist the temptation to call attention to yourself and your good works. After you have done something for others, do not remind them about it. Let it be: either they will remember your kindness themselves and thank you in their own way or they will not. Your calling attention to what you have done for them only puts people on the spot and makes them feel uneasy. It will not satisfy anyone or improve your relationships.

• Do not always be "doing" for people and above all do not try to get people to love you by giving them either gifts or undeserved praise. On the other hand, do not pointedly withdraw your service when others do not respond to you as you would like. Do not make what you do for others depend on how they respond to you. Help others when they ask for it, especially helping them to become more capable of functioning on their own.

Source: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/2growth.asp#.VH7810ugzFI

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Thanks for posting the above, Laudisco. Some very good advice to help anyone with "goodism" problems.
Some people can be pleased easily, even with just a friendly hug. Others will eat us alive with wanting from us.
I try to avoid those, or give them what emotional support I can without overdoing it.