Day 36 Perfectionism on repeat

Today I really saw how strongly perfectionism still shows up in my daily life. I noticed it clearly during social situations, like dancing, where I put enormous pressure on myself to “do it right,” to know everything, and to not look insecure. That pressure quickly turns into anxiety and panic, and instead of enjoying myself, I end up monitoring every move and thought.

What stood out to me is that the fear isn’t actually about dancing or performance, but about not allowing myself to be a beginner. The moment I consciously shifted my intention from “I have to do this well” to “I’m allowed to just be here,” something changed. The anxiety dropped, I had brief moments of enjoyment, and even received positive feedback. That showed me that the ability is already there,it’s the internal pressure that blocks it.

I also noticed how familiar it feels to be relieved when something is over, even when it was enjoyable. That tells me my nervous system is still in survival mode, not danger mode, but learning mode. This program is helping me see that more clearly. I’m starting to understand that recovery for me isn’t about fixing myself, but about softening the internal demands and allowing mistakes, uncertainty, and learning.

Today reminded me that my biggest work is not doing things perfectly, but giving myself permission to be human while I’m doing them. Even though it's still very hard for me