Day 23 People Pleasing

[MSZ812]

Today's reading mentioned two classic TMS personalities: perfectionism and people-pleasing. I see myself in the description of the latter. The example in today's article was: you can always be counted on to drive someone to the airport at 4 am. The funny part is that I actually did that exact thing a few months back. My friend got a last minute flight to Colorado, and needed someone to drive him and his wife to the airport 60 miles away for an early morning flight. I enjoy doing these things, and I always assumed it was because of the "golden rule". Now, I believe the motivation is more personal. When you have low self esteem, it's common to feel unworthy of another's friendship. You feel a constant need to prove your usefulness to others. I can see how that can be unconsciously infuriating. Consciously, I understand that I shouldn't beat myself up for saying "no" every now and then.

Anybody else have a people-pleasing personality? Did you need to make changes in your life?

- Matt

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi MSZ812,

We had a thread going awhile back where we wrote out "something I did today which perhaps did not please others," or something like that. Maybe it was "I wasn't a goodist today when I ________________." It was fun to read and contribute items. You might make a little aim like that for yourself and start small. I remember someone's was "when I was leaving the restaurant and found I had a napkin I just left it in a planter and headed out the door instead of walking it back to the table."

In Sufi tradition there used to be the practice of intentionally "not pleasing others" or "bringing on scorn to self by others." It has long been known that these pleasing behaviors fuel a "self-image" which we think is important, yet is not our real self. It is a conditioned self which believes its needs are met from the outside.

Good luck in your pursuit. You might start another thread inviting specific behaviors which refute the people pleasing habits in members, like the other thread. I am glad you are seeing into this pattern in your life, and not taking it for granted.

Andy B

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I also want to say that, while it is fun and stretching to play with these things in our lives, there is not really a need to try to change, according to Dr. Sarno. You just connect your people-pleaser to the inner rage it causes, to your symptoms. Understanding the real cause of your symptoms is the path, plain and simple.

 

[Leslie735]

That is my biggest personality trait, people pleasing! I'm a total "goodiest." I have the most difficult time saying no to friends and family even if it means I'm not happy with the situation or uncomfortable. I have big issues standing up for myself and giving my opinions on things. I consider myself a push over and I'm really trying to change that about myself, which is not very easy. Don't get me wrong, I love helping others but sometimes it gets in the way of my life and my happiness.