Day 31 People Pleasing = Social Anxiety? & how it having TMS while being an Artist/Public Figure

[alienboii]

I never intended on making a post or sharing a thread!! First off, I made my name somewhat anonymous, I'm a musician, and. I've lived a somewhat eccentric, fabulous but still normal life.
All you really need to know. (for now)

So i've known about this for awhile.. the mind may be creating my pain. or at least a catalyst, always knew it as anxiety/pressure related. Wondered why though & always have, still am diving into that in this program

I thought I'd just complete the course & journal on my own
But I found myself writing this & i felt like I am def. not the only one who feels this way....

As a perfectionist I'm sure some of you may suffer with... ahhh.. SOCIAL ANXIETY
And it's not really that you're scared of talking to people, or even talking in public.
I perform on stage and do just fine...

it's more or less the trouble, stress & emotional pain that humans CAN CAUSE!

At least for me, like I said, I perform on a stage, and live in the entertainment industry. It's a dirty schematic but also beautiful & loving place but you gotta be smart, but even as a kid I felt like I made this association ...
I started seeing people as draining, distractions. a long time ago (& for good reasons)

I have not let TMS get in the way of my job.
But I don't like going out too much unless it is for work or productive/beneficial.
I still have a social life. But I see people less, I don't like to date anymore...
I'm not someone who just "chills"
I prefer to do that on my own.
Or idk.. do whatever tf I want or relax & rest.
Because otherwise I could end up in more pain or sick.

I’m ambitious & I love my freedom.

And I like my peace.

I like being alone when I can. To do what I want, when I want it. To work, be creative and NOT feel the need to entertain or be judged.

But I have to be around people plus I like people, & I’m good with them. But bc of the 2 I only prefer being around people if for a productive reason or under certain circumstances. And if it’s not… you better be teaching me things, & how tos.

which tbh is likely rare.

It’s the strangest thing… I love people sm! They make me happy.. but

People can also be very draining to me.

Even people I enjoy! Anyone… even my mom! Especially her!

Not their fault.

I sense energy toooooo much.

And it takes a toll.

I have to work extra hard & calm myself down.

Bc I notice i tend to get more sick, lower energy, even more pain during or after I’m around people.

When i'm around ppl. It triggers something in me. Many things.

ESPECIALLY weird, stiff, high strung, anxious people… makes me anxious and high strung. lol. Like I can sense their energy. Without words.
Usually though when I'd feel that way in the past & even today, it's for a reason,... usually that person ends up being bad news...


I don't want it to be that people are triggering bc I am around them a lot & enjoy them very much.
But I realize it has to be on my terms.
I think somewhere along the lines I associated people with Judgement or Trauma.

I don't want it to be people are triggering bc I am around them a lot & enjoy them very much.
I don't want to need vices, I want to feel safe, but I think somewhere along the lines I associated people with Judgement or Trauma, or Hurt or Bad. Or they'd make my stress worse.
OR use my kindness to their advantage. Since it's not a foreign event.

I myself have felt like the underdog, and as someone whose a "goodist" I really care for people, their plights, their well beings. But as a child placed perfectionism and control too high, and I myslef suffered from very low self esteem. I still do. I am very self critical. And think I'm a loser.

And when I say I'm sick, I don't just mean TMS, I do have an actual condition. i’m sick (from a bad medical trauma years ago but am doing this program to help cope & mentally overcome) When it first happened it was BAD! I could barely get out of bed and as you know from above, I'm a highly ambitious, organized person.
As I believe most everyone with this is. They are overachievers.
When my condition first happened it was BAD! I could barely get out of bed and as you know above, I'm a highly ambitious organized person.
I had to see all kinds of doctors, who told me bad new & i had to get expensive ass treatments not covered by insurance in hopes it would help.

I actually attempted to end my life in 2019, because I didn't want to live that way, and the pain was bad.
I somehow survived though. And went on to achieve so much in my career & life. Even winning awards.
And things are a bit better. I found a treatment that helped... but bc of the fractures & breathing issues it causes other issues too. I still have to see doctors a lot, I still get down and I believe the mental trauma this unfortunate accident & illness took on me triggered more of these TMS emotions too.

But because of all of this & after one thing after the next, lately it’s like I wont sacrifice even an hour for someone’s bs. I keep a healthy distance from a lot of things, people. I don't always. But

it always seems to be BS, and if it’s not it’ll turn into BS if you keep being nice to someone…

the stakes are too high...

so & it’s like unless you’re at a show, or networking event,

I’d rather stay in work on music, do something productive or just rest. (ALONE THO)


People who know or recognize me and want to stop & say hello or take a pic… that actually gives me energy!

but someone asking me to “chill” .. immediate ugh… for sm reasons.

my illness being #1 obv.

I almost feel like unless it’s a show you’re coming to see or a subscription… I’m not entertaining you…
It's trouble. It's a hassle & i’m not gonna be roped into shit bc i’ve learned people (ones I don’t know well, or even some i do) have unpredictable emotional issues that they don't take care of, so they see me as this open golden goose and use that. Or see me as a therapist, an opportunity or use me, or just cause nonsense... lol
uh uh.
That may not even be someone’s immediate intention but it’s usually always something & I can read it.

& That can just overall make one tense & flare up.

So that being said ...
Do some of you, even being the social butterflies you are, prefer being alone bc people are triggering?
Especially these days? It's like I can't even fully trust someone.

And even if I'm around people I like, it's like, I still suffer with the pain, because I want them to think well of me, they know I'm sick & idc If i have to blow my nose or take medicine or be like "sorry not feeling good"
But it's
And even if I'm around people I like, it still can happen, I still suffer with pain, because I want them to think well of me, or the perfectionist, worrier in me is subconsciously stirring. And they know I'm sick... IDC If I have to blow my nose or take medicine or be like "sorry not feeling good" Idc & neither do they

Even before I got sick I noticed people sucked up my energy. I think bc being the industry I'm in you'll always assume people want something from you. Even if its just time, attention & energy.
I'm a fun artist but I want to save it for how I choose to spend it. I'm not afraid of saying No. But I also want to live a normal life too.
I don't want to be triggered as much. I also don't want to lean on vices.

Even tho I hate life sometimes,
I sure love the one I’ve created for myself.
I like that it's different...

But being that I’ve always been an open, outgoing, goodist, who’s got stuff going on

I MUST PROTECT IT!

it’s one of complete freedom.

full self awareness.

This is who I am atm.

I preferred to be behind a screen or on a stage.

I’ve always been this way, but I have a feeling I’m absolutely not the only one.

People know, But I do tell them "please know, it’s not that I don’t care,

It’s that I care too much."

And I don’t have much time or energy.

I gotta take care of me… I mean, obviously

I prefer to not care or think sm and be chill but I can’t help it, it’s unconscious.

And historically the long list of weird nonsense & people have played the leading role in that.

I have very good people around me, & a manager who watches out for me & that goes for weirdos. He protects

So that's good. But still always in the back of my mind is Going Further, Farther, Faster & Being PERFECT.

And I know that serves me no purpose. I'm not and no one can be. But it's that fire in me...

Even when I am calm... that fire still cracklin'!

 

[Ellen]

Do some of you, even being the social butterflies you are, prefer being alone bc people are triggering?

This is the only question I found in your post. Yes, I prefer being alone most of the time. Yes, I find people triggering, though sometimes I enjoy their company. I don't think it has much to do with TMS.

I think most of us who are introverts feel similarly to what you post. Those of us with unresolved Complex PTSD are likely triggered more than others.

Being a human means living with internal contradictions, and being an adult means not expecting things to be black and white. You're an artist. Enjoy that. Enjoy your time alone. It's all fine. Relax.

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi @alienboii
Yes, of course some people trigger me!
I also work in the entertainment industry (but at a low level!), and there are several groups of people who trigger me. One is not recognizing or appreciating my name but desiring my talent (eg. not putting me on the bill but asking me to perform) - this happens locally, and mainly it's people who in wallowing in their own self-importance as a distraction to their own personal fears.
I am very much myself when I perform, and I used to feel I had to "play nice" when I was face to face with people, to keep the possibilities of more opportunities to perform open. That has all ended. It's pretty obvious, I am very supportive of others but most aren't of my own work - so now I take things as they come. I wanna go see them, I do. I wanna go somewhere else, I do. I wanna stay home, I do.
Oddly, some of these folks actually ask where I was when they were performing. Now I give them a totally straight answer. I would never ask them why they did not come to see my work. I also see that it's all their own ego thing, so whatever.
I spend a lot of time at home, doing my own thing. It's not avoiding doing things, it's avoiding dealing with people and their baggage. Once you get some insite into how things work in the old mind, you can see pretty quickly what makes people tick, and a lot of the time, I can't be bothered.
Choosing to be along can be running and hiding from the world in fear, or it can be absolute acceptance and loving yourself right where you are and being your own best friend.