Pelvic or hip flexor spasms

[Cactusflower]

I really hate to talk too much about symptoms. Actually talking about theme here brings up feelings fear and shame, because of some responses I may get from people. I can talk the TMS talk but the walk can be so hard at times.
One of my symptoms are waves of muscle contractions and releases. Spasms but not painful. The may be related to my psoas, but can affect my entire body except arms. They usually happen when I lay down but not always.
I also have a strong chronic cough, which I have had for many years and am not sure if it is related to the psoas (I feel like my diaphragm/ rib cage is restricted, and “pulled” when I have these spasms) or if it is silent reflux from anxiety ( have been trying to simply see if TMS work will change the symptoms so have not seen a Dr.) I’m not sick - the cough has been hanging around for 7 years.
Anyway, has anyone ever experienced these waves of spasms? Once I thought they were a tension release but now I think of them as some kind of neural reorganization. I did not think I feared them, but now I realize that I do.
I fear everything! I fear my fear even though on some level I think I have become comfortable with my fear (and maybe symptoms.

You will read a lot of fear. I acknowledge this. Fear is my constant. There are changes in my life (all dealing with TMS work) and physical body which may be increasing fear & some symptoms, however these spasm sessions seem to be a constant and was wondering if anyone had experienced anything like them?

After writing this I feel I must also admit I am in a panic today. I am having sharp back pain, small muscle spasms that terrify me.

Perhaps my feeling the need to know about the spasms I get is the “need to know why” part of the “fixing” fixation I have.

In my mind part of my symptoms are TMS related and part is that the anxiety patterns have become so physical that I feel there is something else contributing (neuro sensory) to symptoms. I could write a book here about it now because of my monkey mind.

 

[Ann Miller]

Hi Cactusflower. Let me ask you a few more questions about your fear. And know that these absolutely come with no judgement. In fact, it's really great that you are aware of your fear, because that's the first step. Usually fear is doubt in disguise. It definitely was for me at one time and I see it in your post as well...with the need to check that your symptom is indeed tms. So, have you been able to really sit down and get all your fears and doubts down on paper and go through them thoroughly without slipping into the rabbit hole of symptoms, but concentrating on the doubts?

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi Ann:
I appreciate your response.
This morning I did make a fear list. Fearing recovery jumped out. I felt a slight relief writing it. Recovery comes with a lot of responsibility that “being sick” does not. I know I am just fine consciously. I have many other fears and listed them but probably not all. I often think many don’t matter until symptoms get worse then I worry I have not faced some. I fear facing some.

My doubts are of the whole divided mind type for various reasons. Probably the biggest is that the only person I’ve heard describe most of my symptoms got well with a specific form of physical therapy as well as doing TMS work. So I believe I need both. I don’t even know how to do a doubt list without symptoms.

Did I try just TMS work? Yes, and symptoms came back. Anxiety hit really hard too and I felt more piece of mind doing both because without PT support I fear movement and tend to be in a straight jacket of rigidity.

I have not done a doubt list but work on an evidence list. It is short because of negativity. It is really hard for me to get past that.
I have utilized a TMS coach, and a TMS psychotherapist and just finished regular sessions with both. That is also probably feeding into this (doubts my next step is the right one is always a fear!)

Thanks for this discussion. I have tried with a few folks to discuss it but every time I feel (pr am told outright) no symptom talk because its emotions but I can’t mine the deep emotions beyond the fear when I get very symptomatic. I think its not having dealt with anger but I try and just have not gotten under that layer.

 

[Ann Miller]

Okay, lots of layers here. Let me see if I can give you my take on each.
The biggest reason that "no symptom talk" is said is that we TMSers tend to fixate and ruminate on them swirling down a rabbit hole of fear. I had, and I know this is common, almost an addiction to the symptoms, checking them, monitoring them, gauging my whole outlook for the day, all on the symptoms. We want to break that habit/addiction because it keeps us trapped by the symptoms and gives them ALL the power. This is also the reason that it's suggested to stop PT etc. It tends to fuel doubt in TMS and keeps us stuck in the fear loop. That being said, I'm a big believer in feeling safe and cared for during this journey. When I first returned to exercise, I returned to the pool. It felt safe, supportive and not too strenuous on my body. So I knew the theory, AND I was also gentle with myself in getting there. So in that same grain, is there space for you to do TMS work and the PT because you like it, it feels good and feels safe...knowing that the goal is to move slowly away from PT. This is always the goal of PT, anyway. It's meant as a rehab tool, not a lifetime commitment. There's lots of room between "TMS strategies won't work for me if I do PT" and "Only PT will work for me." Let's play in the middle area, moving safely and with love for scared sweet self toward the day when you no longer need PT. Tell me how that lands with you.

Your work with your fears and listing fearing recovery was SPOT ON! Well done. When we get to that level of honesty, half the work is complete. Ready for the next half? Compassion and empathy for scared you. Understanding why can help you with your self compassion. It sounds very cliché, I know. And yet, it's really true. Because very often the thing we most fear, deep deep down is our own inner critic. How much work around self acceptance do you employ each week?

 

[Cactusflower]

Thanks again Ann:
Yes! I am trying to focus on PT helping me feel safe with movement. It is not easy, it does add another layer to TMS work but I feel it is part of my personal need. What made me feel better about it is seeing the film maker for All The Rage (Sarno film) say that Dr. Sarno was not against PT, it was just that most work from physical diagnoses and give them. Sarno decided to simplify his book so he decided not to include many things he was ok with and that worked for his clients. (Michael Galinsky said this in a TMS Roundtable discussion). I can become anxious around PT. At times it’s fear at times its people pleasing but my PT’s are learning about TMS through our experience together and talk about those things. They never offered a diagnoses, showing up once a week and moving is the goal for now. I do not plan on being there for life, but need their creativity with movement ideas for now and the breath work has been so helpful.
I do have a hard time with empathy for self. Lot of sneaky negative self talk I don’t always recognize (I was raised with more negative talk than encouragement, so that became the norm in my environment and head). I’m working on self-acceptance. Reminding myself that emotions are normal etc. One of the most important things I learned on this journey: affirmations aren’t valuable unless they are true. Much of my emotional thinking (ok I admit a lot of my emotional thinking is still very intellectualized) is put through this filter and I try to do it in a kind and gentle and not judgement way. That is a lot of the way I’ve worked on self-acceptance. Integrating accepting ALL of me including my body is hard for me.

 

[Ann Miller]

So very true about affirmations needing to be true. The moment I try to say something to myself that is inauthentic, I know in my soul not to trust myself. Have you seen any of the work by Dr Kristen Neff? She has a bunch of free resources on her website...I think there is even one about accepting our body, even in pain.