Kachina
Newcomer
Hello everyone, I am in dire need of assistance from fellow TMS folks. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Skip to the "NOW" section if you want to save time... as we know, these can be really long stories. And mine is 33 years long.
BACKGROUND INFO
I've always had 'that one health issue' bothering me physically. As a child I'd have constant headaches, tummy problems, such a bad eczema the skin of my hands would peel out etc. I had very traumatizing childhood, so those bodily reactions make sense now. I'm 33 now. In the past decade things have started to pile up: tinnitus, GERD, gastritis, IBS, interstitial cystitis, TMJ, fibromyalgia... It was like if I found any help or comfort for one thing, next one would arrive to accompany the others. And there would always be that ONE MAIN ISSUE, which kinda made me realize about TMS. For example, if my masking sounds helped with tinnitus, then I'd move on to get horrible heartburn. Then if my strict diet started to help GERD, then suddenly I'd have such a bad TMJ it'd cause me nerve pain. And if I'd have a good control of all of those, then my interstitial cystitis would flare up bad. They were just all there, all the time, but usually they'd be juggling flares. It was a proper merry-go-round of agony. To be honest I don't know how I am still here, it has been a nightmare. I've been unable to continue my studies, most of the time unable to leave the house.
RECENTLY
During last few months, I have realized many things, one of the main things being TMS. I realized a lot of my pain comes from being 24/7 in fear and denying my voice, not expressing myself at all emotionally. Not even knowing how. Just having these endless supply of masks, hiding from everyone (myself included). I realized that I am tense like a critter ready to escape - in every single situation! And all that pain had made me fixated - and imprisoned - in the accumulating bodily disorders/pains. I didn't need threats from outside anymore, to be scared. I was living in my very own hell, in my very own body. Little by little, I started to approach it all from this perspective, e.g.:
NOW
So I've worked REALLY hard for the past months to finally resolve my issues, but I feel like my system is just rising stakes endlessly. I had a huge breakthrough in last couple of weeks, just being able to vent out my emotions by singing and dancing. My new purchase, acupressure mat, has been amazing too (kinda 'resets the pain'). So one by one, I battled my disorders and I can now stop fibromyalgia symptoms from building up, I recognize most of my stomach issues are muscle tension / breathing-related, my IC is totally fear-based (I can literally feel my feet/legs/crotch area get tense and cold now, when I panic) etc. etc. So suddenly, for a very short moment... I felt like I got it, I had cracked it! I'd be able to get some relief, at last.
Then current problem started to happen. Suddenly I am allergic to something and I don't know what is happening: I am itching badly all over my body! It almost feels like a burning sensation and it's driving me crazy! I tried to ignore it at first and try same techniques than before, but the more those techniques continue to help my bundle of other issues... the worse this itch is getting! Now I get itchy bumps randomly over my body coming and going: right now it is my arms and when I woke up it was in my back. I get small red urticaria-like areas on my skin and small water blisters on my hands.
The worst thing is that this can be visually confirmed, as there is indeed moving red areas all over my body. That makes it very scary and I am starting to obsess really badly. Like... maybe I've made a mistake eating freely (and now have some mystical food allergy), maybe it's the washing powder (just got two itchy red bumps by just changing the bed sheets), maybe it's in the air (I suddenly feel like I get wheezy near our ventilation machine) etc. etc. etc. The more afraid I get, the worse it seems to get and my head is running
I just don't know what to do, it's like... I had so many victories over all those painful conditions that made me completely disabled and something really clicked there. And SIMULTANEOUSLY all of that switched into this terrible itch. It's like this itch is trying to compensate for all of it: the GERD, the fibromyalgia, the IBS, the gastritis, the IC, the TMJ - hard to celebrate getting those better/manageable, when I feel like I want to rip my skin off.
Anyone else had this happen? What on earth could I do?
BACKGROUND INFO
I've always had 'that one health issue' bothering me physically. As a child I'd have constant headaches, tummy problems, such a bad eczema the skin of my hands would peel out etc. I had very traumatizing childhood, so those bodily reactions make sense now. I'm 33 now. In the past decade things have started to pile up: tinnitus, GERD, gastritis, IBS, interstitial cystitis, TMJ, fibromyalgia... It was like if I found any help or comfort for one thing, next one would arrive to accompany the others. And there would always be that ONE MAIN ISSUE, which kinda made me realize about TMS. For example, if my masking sounds helped with tinnitus, then I'd move on to get horrible heartburn. Then if my strict diet started to help GERD, then suddenly I'd have such a bad TMJ it'd cause me nerve pain. And if I'd have a good control of all of those, then my interstitial cystitis would flare up bad. They were just all there, all the time, but usually they'd be juggling flares. It was a proper merry-go-round of agony. To be honest I don't know how I am still here, it has been a nightmare. I've been unable to continue my studies, most of the time unable to leave the house.
RECENTLY
During last few months, I have realized many things, one of the main things being TMS. I realized a lot of my pain comes from being 24/7 in fear and denying my voice, not expressing myself at all emotionally. Not even knowing how. Just having these endless supply of masks, hiding from everyone (myself included). I realized that I am tense like a critter ready to escape - in every single situation! And all that pain had made me fixated - and imprisoned - in the accumulating bodily disorders/pains. I didn't need threats from outside anymore, to be scared. I was living in my very own hell, in my very own body. Little by little, I started to approach it all from this perspective, e.g.:
- I started to unwind my very strict - and obsessive - diet/supplement routine, which I had created for stomach issues and IC. I tried to learn how to enjoy food again and allow that. I'd tell myself my system was strong enough for the threats of re-introducing normal food.
- I have gone towards the fire, towards the flames - juggling all those aforementioned disorders, trying to challenge them constantly and unlearn the constant fear of them.
- I've started to sing, draw and dance - this is a major task even at home alone, because I have always been quiet and stiff: too afraid to even let out a noise or move freely. Or even painting alone I'd panic, not being able to produce anything. So I've worked on this. (I know it sounds crazy... but trauma does this)
NOW
So I've worked REALLY hard for the past months to finally resolve my issues, but I feel like my system is just rising stakes endlessly. I had a huge breakthrough in last couple of weeks, just being able to vent out my emotions by singing and dancing. My new purchase, acupressure mat, has been amazing too (kinda 'resets the pain'). So one by one, I battled my disorders and I can now stop fibromyalgia symptoms from building up, I recognize most of my stomach issues are muscle tension / breathing-related, my IC is totally fear-based (I can literally feel my feet/legs/crotch area get tense and cold now, when I panic) etc. etc. So suddenly, for a very short moment... I felt like I got it, I had cracked it! I'd be able to get some relief, at last.
Then current problem started to happen. Suddenly I am allergic to something and I don't know what is happening: I am itching badly all over my body! It almost feels like a burning sensation and it's driving me crazy! I tried to ignore it at first and try same techniques than before, but the more those techniques continue to help my bundle of other issues... the worse this itch is getting! Now I get itchy bumps randomly over my body coming and going: right now it is my arms and when I woke up it was in my back. I get small red urticaria-like areas on my skin and small water blisters on my hands.
The worst thing is that this can be visually confirmed, as there is indeed moving red areas all over my body. That makes it very scary and I am starting to obsess really badly. Like... maybe I've made a mistake eating freely (and now have some mystical food allergy), maybe it's the washing powder (just got two itchy red bumps by just changing the bed sheets), maybe it's in the air (I suddenly feel like I get wheezy near our ventilation machine) etc. etc. etc. The more afraid I get, the worse it seems to get and my head is running
I just don't know what to do, it's like... I had so many victories over all those painful conditions that made me completely disabled and something really clicked there. And SIMULTANEOUSLY all of that switched into this terrible itch. It's like this itch is trying to compensate for all of it: the GERD, the fibromyalgia, the IBS, the gastritis, the IC, the TMJ - hard to celebrate getting those better/manageable, when I feel like I want to rip my skin off.
Anyone else had this happen? What on earth could I do?
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