Ow. And sleep roles in marriage.

Decided to edit this for privacy. I basically had said that in my marriage, I am the one whose job it is to be alert. This is detrimental to my sleep and general well-being, and I need to take steps to change my behavior.

Also, I'm a wreck full of pain today!!

 

I’ve done a lot of thinking about how work is divided up in a family —and between a couple. I think women tend to take on way more than is fair most of the time. Maybe we are trained to. Or maybe we just don’t have enough self-esteem to say what we need and demand it. I also think, to be honest, women are just capable of suffering more— And are willing to suffer more. (or maybe this isn’t a gender thing at all? Maybe it’s whether or not you were raised in a healthy enough environment to learn what boundaries are.)

I will also admit that things could be changing— Or it might depend on where you come from in the country. I come from the Midwest, where women are trained to do everything . Here on the East Coast, all of my daughters-in-law have my sons cleaning and cooking and doing more than their fair share of childcare. I also noticed one of my sons gets TMS all the time —he doesn’t know it’s TMS— when he’s the one who gets dumped on.

Here’s a big irony: Since I got all of my TMS symptoms this time, I literally cannot do any of the housework or cooking anymore. My husband has been doing it all for a year. At first, he also couldn’t believe all the little “invisible” things I did that he never noticed. (Clean sheets just magically appeared, for example.)

Meanwhile now, I sit while he does all this and I feel so uncomfortable — this is so unfair to him —no one person should do this. I feel so bad he’s doing it all! But for 25 years, I did it, and it never bothered him.

Is my body talking now? Did I get TMS to make things fair? Please don’t let that be true.

I was thinking maybe we (the sufferers, of either gender) should get better at saying what we really need. But first, we have to understand and SEE what’s really fair.

And then don’t be surprised if there’s resistance— Because anybody who has been getting off easy is going to complain when all of a sudden they have to do more.

I’m starting to get stronger and I’m going to start trying to cook again or help with the dishes, and I hope when all of this is over, things will be more fair between me and my husband. For both of us.

 

What a change @Diana-M ! I definitely think women are conditioned differently than men are in these areas. But fundamentally, our own behavior as women is a part of it. I think for me with the sleep, it's less about what he does and more about what I do, you know -- as in, I need to make decisions about my sleep/chores/etc. independently of what he decides. So not let his sleep set the conditions for mine.
Yesterday I caught myself seriously considering setting up a tent in the back yard and sleeping there, just to really step outside of the conditioning. But it's not the house/bed/etc. that are the problem. My brain is the only thing keeping me from better sleep. So chasing after another solution is pointless.

I was just sobbing and sobbing after getting home from church. Everything hurts and all my symptoms are raging.

 

This is it! You have to really look at your own behavior. And you have to be honest with yourself. Is what you are doing sustainable? Are there alternatives? You have to make your life better for yourself— and tell the other person what you need. I did used to tell my husband I didn’t want to do all the cooking. And he resisted. His big excuse was he didn’t know how to cook. (he’s actually a really good cook now!) I don’t know. I just think resentment can build up over the years— you really have to be careful with it. And the only person who can defend what you need is you.

I’ve had this saying most of my life. I made it up: “If you don’t say no, your body will.” Maybe your body doesn’t let you sleep so that you’ll have a reason to not do as much work for the next day because it’s not fair? if you make things fair, maybe your body will let you sleep. just a thought…

 

Thank you for your responses, @Diana-M . I am really struggling today. I don't know what to do with myself. It is so nice to hear your compassionate and encouraging thoughts.

 

I don't understand the question. What do you mean 'to be alert'? In what way? Referring to what?

 

I mean that I am the parent who listens for the children in the night, etc. He sleeps, I sleep with one ear open.

 

Trusting in yourself that when you NEED to wake up, you will.

 

@Cactusflower Yes! Sometimes I pray, "Lord, I'm turning off my radar. Wake me up if I'm needed." Hasn't worked as well in recent months, though, ha! But I think this is the right track...I think I need to relax more into this.