Outcome Independence saved my job.

[Elbe]

My TMS pain increased so much over the winter that I had to put my Jazz band banjo playing on hold.The band has a weekly 4 hour job, which is quite demanding. I was just in too much fear of the pain. After working through Alan Gordons most helpful and informative TMS Recovery Program, I regained my lost self confidence by practicing Outcome Independence and Breaking the Pain Circle. Thank you Alan. It gave me the confidence to start playing again. To break the Pain Cycle, I mostly use the Buddhist monks analogy: "a thought is like a train pulling into the station. You can either jump on board or can watch it passing you by." Whenever fear thoughts come up and there are plenty, I visualize the train leaving without me, just watching the back lights disappear in the distance. The worst thoughts come mostly at night, when trying to fall asleep. I also force myself to think more psychological and get in touch with my emotions and anger
in my daily life. Even during my performance on the bandstand, which is quite enjoyable, I notice emotions of anger mostly generated by my own playing and my feelings of not being good enough. I ensure myself frequently that this feeling is totally OK and nothing to be ashamed of. This all worked for me quite well for a number of weeks until the pain intensity markedly increased. I was prepared for this "extinction burst". However, I did not really expect such severity and diminishing effects on my self confidence. I still keep up the playing, daily walking and shopping, but for all the other things I had planed, I lost the confidence to actually do them. I am quite determined to work through this and hope that my subconscious mind will get the message and that it is less determined than my conscious mind . I would be pleased to hear how others have dealt with similar conditions.

 

[nowtimecoach]

Even during my performance on the bandstand, which is quite enjoyable, I notice emotions of anger mostly generated by my own playing and my feelings of not being good enough. I ensure myself frequently that this feeling is totally OK and nothing to be ashamed of

Thank you Elbe for this post. I've been dealing with these similar feelings also. I used to be very strong athletically and am just getting back into the game. What I didn't count on was the constant badgering chatter about how out of shape I am, what I used to be like and watching these feelings tear my mood down... when all I'm trying to do is have a nice time bike riding!!
Then I went skydiving for the first (and last) time last weekend and ended up hurting my ribs when the parachute rope was pulled. At first I thought it was TMS - all the terror, fear and panic stuck in my body - but at this point, I think its a bit of both - as its healing up. However.... I caught myself shaming and shoulding myself because I did not have the exciting wonderful time that my friends had. Nope, I was nauseous the whole time and when I landed, my face was so white and my nerves were shot. So a week later, I'm journalling and uncover these feelings of shame that I couldn't control my nerves to enjoy the experience - that I was embarrassed to be a wuss and as I'm wrote the feelings out - I could feel the pain in my ribs and chest ease up. Ah-HA! I caught 'dem unacceptable feelings. Had to do some forgiveness and compassion and ACCEPT that I'm not the tough cookie I once was as a young'un.
TMS recovery brings up the darndest things!! I'm with you in the DETERMINATION factor to keep doing what we want to do and get our subconscious mind to get the message that we're here to have some fun and enjoy life!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Nowtimecoach. No wonder your face turned white and your nerves were shot, from your first ever skydiving.
And your ribs hurt from pulling the parachute rope.

I sure wouldn't feel any shame or embarrassment from feeling anxious or nauseous.

You were WONDER WOMAN ! You definitely are the tough cookie you were when you were younger.

Those other skydivers were probably used to it all so it was a piece of cake for them.

I love you, WUSS, and am very proud of you!

I'm glad we got to say hi to each other last Tuesday at the call-in.

 

[nowtimecoach]

Ahhh Walt! Thank you for your great words! I love it that you love the WUSS in me. Maybe I should change my name over to Wuss so I can accept and love her the way you are modeling it for me. Great also to hear your voice on Tuesday night. Hoping I can make more calls. Its powerful to speak live with people about TMS recovery as there isn't anyone in my area that I can easily share this learning and healing with!