One of my hardest issues

One of my toughest issues is being a grandmother. There are times I wonder if my TMS is protecting me from it. I can do so much less these days and have turned into a recluse from my family. Am I really doing this to avoid the pain of grandmothering?

Here are some of the things I’ve thought about on this topic:

Mortality- I hate knowing I’m going to someday leave my grandkids before they get old.
Longing-I wish I could see them more.
Conflict-I know I couldn’t keep up with them if I did.
Anger- I’m mad that their other grandparents get way more time with them than I do.
Anger-I’m mad my daughters-in-law spend all the grand parenting time with their mothers and my sons don’t defend me and get time for me.
Anger-at myself for not demanding my fair share (this seems wrong and childish, so I don’t fight it).
Sorrow-that they’re growing up so fast (time goes so quickly the older you get!).
Sentimental-seeing the grandkids reminds me of when my kids were little. I just ache remembering how much I loved it then.
Abandonment-I loved spending time with my kids when they were little. But I was always stressed out.
Sad- my kids are grown and busy. This is the way of life. And I’m glad they have lives. But I’m still sad about it. And mad about it.
Angry-I can never complain about all these feelings to my kids. It wouldn’t be fair to them.
Angry-I have no one to talk to about this. My mother passed away when I was 28 and I’m estranged from both my sisters. I’m lonely for family.
Angry-That it’s hard to schedule visits with the grandkids because they all have such busy schedules with sports etc. Why do people live insane lives now? My kids and grandkids have zero free time.
Angry-one of my daughters-in-law is mean and I’m nervous around her.
Angry-my other daughter-in-law comes from another country and another culture, making a lot of things difficult.
Angry -I love them all so much that it hurts and I wish I never had kids so I wouldn’t have to feel this pain. (That’s my inner child talking.)
Angry-my grandkids aren’t my kids. I love them like my own. But, I just get to watch from afar. (And of course, that’s right! But I don’t have to like it. It feels bad to be so left out.)
Angry-that I’m old, tired and now have TMS; I always thought I’d do more fun physical stuff with them.
Angry and sad-that I must seem older than ever to them.
F$&#ing angry I’m old. How did I get this old?
Sad-missing my own grandparents. I loved them dearly. Being a grandmother makes me think of them every single day.
Sad thinking my grandsons (I only have grandsons) will probably want nothing to do with me when they get older.
Mad that I wrote this out and I am publishing it on the internet.
Nervous I’ll be judged for these feelings.
Angry that I’m pretty sure none of this will ever stop hurting.
Humiliated that I feel any of this. I wish rainbows came out of my butt and life were all sunshine. Angry that everyone else seems so happy as a grandparent. It’s how people my age show off. It’s super annoying. Really?! Am I the only one who feels any of this?!!!

Ok-I feel a little better. I know you guys can’t fix any of this for me. But thanks for listening! (My symptoms went on fire as I wrote this!)

 

Given the circumstances, my suggestion is to be creative with your contact with your grandchildren and to remember that less can actually be more. You really don't have to be hours in their company to have a meaningful and also fun relationship with them. (I never lived near my grandparents and only saw them in the school holidays and if they had written to me or had kept contact with me using the kind technology that we have available to us today, taking an interest in me and my interests etc., I would have been absolutely thrilled.) You can do things that your grandkids will like, enjoy and look forward to and that won't exhaust you. You can start with very small things and build up as you see fit (yes, yet more baby steps! ) e.g. perhaps start by sending them something in the post that you know that they are into atm... send a little letter, a photo or drawing/picture. By doing this you will also be 'getting on with life' a la Sarno and 'elevating' a la Helmut. I asked perplexity.ai to come up with some ideas that you could tailor to their age and interests...

• Video calls: Use FaceTime, Skype, WhatsApp, or Google Duo to have regular video chats. This allows you to have real-time conversations and “see” each other even at a distance.

• Phone calls: Schedule regular phone calls, ideally at a set time each week so your grandchildren can look forward to them. For younger children, keep the conversation short and engaging; for teens, a quick check-in or supportive text message can be meaningful.

• Letters and cards: Sending handwritten notes, postcards, or care packages can be especially memorable for children, as physical mail is rare today. This practice can be both fun and educational if you encourage your grandchildren to become your pen pals.

• Emails: Older grandchildren might appreciate emails, which are less formal but still show you care and keep lines of communication open.

• Read together: Start a family book club or read aloud over video chat. Record yourself reading a story that they can listen to later if time zones or schedules are tricky.

• Play games together: There are many online games (like Words with Friends, UNO, or simple puzzles) that can be played virtually. Many apps are suitable for both younger and older grandchildren.

• Social media and family groups: For teenagers, consider joining the platforms they use (with permission from parents). Private family groups on Facebook or messaging apps can help share pictures and updates.

• Personalized communication: Inquire about their interests and world—send messages that reflect this. For example, compliment something personal, notice events in their lives, or ask about their hobbies.

• Create traditions: Arrange for “virtual story-time,” “game night,” or “art hour,” where you and your grandchild can share an activity over a call or by sending each other creations.

• Storytelling Nights: Host a recurring “Story Night” online where you read them their favorite books or make up silly stories together. (You could even act out characters or use props for extra fun.)

• Shared Art Projects: Start a mail-based or digital art exchange—drawings, crafts, or painting. Set up monthly themes and create a “gallery” with their artwork displayed in your home (share photos of it with them)

• Cooking or Baking Together: Choose a simple recipe and cook or bake together over video call. Share family recipes, or teach them how to make something from your childhood.

• Science Experiments: Do easy at-home experiments together via video. Simple experiments with kitchen ingredients can spark curiosity and create shared excitement.

• Virtual Game Night: Play board games online or through gaming apps that are age-appropriate. Alternatively, invent silly trivia games about your family history or favorite subjects.

• Personal Journal Exchange: Keep a shared journal, either physical (mail it back and forth) or digital (Google Docs). Take turns writing entries or drawing pictures about your days.

• Create a Photo Scavenger Hunt: Challenge them to send you pictures based on a list (e.g., something blue, a favorite snack, a silly face), and do the same for them.

• Monthly “Theme” Calls: Dedicate each call to a different theme—superheroes, nature, travel, pets, etc. Dress up or share related stories and facts.

• Family Podcast or Video Diary: Record short “episodes” where you share stories, family history, or answer fun questions from your grandchildren. Invite them to send in questions or record their own episodes.

• Music Sharing: Share songs you love or play instruments together over video. Introduce them to music from different eras and let them introduce you to theirs.

• Virtual Pen Pals: Write each other letters or postcards monthly, possibly including a small doodle, poem, or “mystery fact” to guess next time.

• Plan for an Annual Project: Work on something long-term, like assembling a family tree, a scrapbook, or a garden (if possible, both plant seeds and compare progress over video).

Perplexity.ai went on to say:

"To make interactions with your grandchildren meaningful—even with busy schedules—focus on quality, intentionality, and flexibility. Here’s how you can maximise the impact of your time together, no matter how limited it may be:

• Prioritize Quality Over Quantity: Even brief interactions can be meaningful if you give them undivided attention. A five-minute call, a quick shared photo, or a short note can strengthen your bond if you’re present, enthusiastic, and focused entirely on them.

• Set Predictable Routines: Establish a small, regular tradition—a weekly “good luck” text before a sports game, a nightly emoji check-in, or a weekend video call. Predictability makes even short moments special and gives kids something to look forward to.

• Make Use of Technology: Leverage voice messages, quick video clips, or shared apps to connect asynchronously, so communication fits naturally into each other’s day. For instance, record yourself reading a bedtime story they can listen to anytime, or play an ongoing turn-based game through an app.

• Personalization Counts: Whenever you reach out, mention something specific from their lives (an upcoming test, favorite hobby, or recent event). This shows you’re paying attention and that your connection is more than routine.

• Shared Micro-Activities: Create “mini-rituals” like sending a daily riddle, a photo challenge, a quick joke, or a short fact. These small touches accumulate and signal that you’re consistently thinking of them.

• Respect Their Schedules and Preferences: As grandchildren get older, their calendars fill up. Let them know you’re available and interested, but be flexible—sometimes a text or meme is all the time they have, and that’s okay.

• Collaborate with Parents: Especially if the kids are young or particularly busy, coordinate with parents to find little windows of opportunity—maybe a voice note during the school commute, or a quick hello during a sibling’s sports event.

Quality in Less Conventional Contact: If a real-time call or visit isn’t possible, mail them a handwritten card or a drawing. Even asynchronous contact can be deeply meaningful because it requires effort and thought.

The most important thing is consistency and sincerity—no matter how small the gesture, if it’s regular and personal, it will help forge a meaningful and lasting relationship, even within the constraints of busy modern lives."

 

“ It feels bad to be so left out”

I’m sure this is much of it all, @Diana-M
Your symptoms purposely exclude you to keep you “safe” from the hurts of being excluded. Look at your history. How long were you excluded from familial love? Big hugs to you.
I love @BloodMoon ’s ideas, they would help you get such a feeling of control over this destiny of relationships with grandchildren. Using your writing skills, what if you wrote your (at least story loving age) grandkids their own fairytales or stories. What an enormous gift of yourself that would be.

 

Thank you Diana for role modeling how to think psychologically. You expressed all those beautiful emotions on paper. Wow!

 

I read every word of this and I feel for you. I hope it helped to write out that catharsis.

I can relate but from different perspective as I am one of 3 sons and feel constant guilt that we are not involving my mother in more things. The problem is I also have a wife to keep happy, and those can be mutually exclusive.

 

I can empathize in a way. I'm an aunt and have two nieces and three nephews. I don't have children. All my nieces and nephews live in Europe. All of them. I'm in the US. I sent them gifts, special postcards, I talk to them sometimes on the phone or online. I pray for them daily after my meditations.

I don't think they ever think of me and that's the way it is. People these days are so busy, always moving around, doing something. Anything. Very restless all the time, very nervous, day after day, year after year, life after life. They don't have time for their loving family anymore. It breaks my heart to read Diana's comment because I know that my own parents feel the same. Their own grandson (they raised him for the first 7 years of his life) is rather cold towards them and towards others around. They are all the same, today's teens/kids etc. Agitated and emotionally immature. They spend all their time on their stupid dumb phones. Day and night. Shocking.

The younger ones and the teens today do not read anymore, they don't care about reading and books. It's boring! They don't even know how to carry a conversation with an adult. I have to force my brains to come up with new and fresh topics when I speak to them on the phone/online. They never initiate the conversation, never. It's really really sad but that's the way it is. It's not even their fault, it's the parents'. As I said...really sad.

 

Hi MHG,
I truly appreciate your support by witnessing my feelings. ( I’m sure that wasn’t easy for you. ) And that’s exactly why I never ever tell my kids my feelings about this or complain—because their wife is their top priority. And that’s the truth. I don’t want to make things harder for them. And I want them to enjoy their lives. What worries me is that maybe I created these symptoms to do just that— take any guilt off my kids, because I can’t do things now with my TMS. Somehow someway there has to be a healthier answer to all of this. And I’m going to find it. But the very first thing I have to do is tell the truth to myself— and get my feelings out. Writing this post almost killed me!

 

Sita, thank you so much for your thoughts! I’ve done searches online to see if other people are experiencing the same thing and they are. Times have definitely changed. I tried to read books with my grandkids over the phone, but it is too old-fashioned for them. It’s a challenge to try to relate to them in their world. I’m sad that you and your mother miss your kids in Europe. It can be a real heartbreak. But I don’t think we’re meant to be destroyed over it. It’s up to us to find a way to live with this situation. You— being as meditative as you are — I’m sure you have peace. I do spend a lot of time praying for them and it does make me feel good. There’s a lot being lost in this world because of the pace that we live. You are right. And also values have changed.

 

Smokey! I appreciate you telling me this. I really do! it is really hard to share these things and even to feel them and write them down. I’ve known this was one of my biggies, and I have avoided it like the plague. I love this forum. The support has been amazing and I know it’s helping me to share here.

 

Thank you for this cactus flower! I knew somebody would be able to pull out the biggest nugget in here. When you’re drowning in so many emotions it’s hard to see the big picture. I believe you are probably right about this one. And it does relate to my past so that’s what makes it hurt so much more. we have to find what in the present is related to our past because that’s a big hot engine of pain. Thank you for the hug and I appreciate your help!

 

@BloodMoon
Thank you so much for your support and for listening as always! It means so much to me! I really like your long list of suggestions and I will try some of them. I have tried a few already, in the past. I bookmarked your list.

There’s this episode on the show M*A*S*H that takes place on Christmas night. And everyone on the show is miserable and talking about home and what they miss, because, of course, they’re in a war zone. And Colonel Potter, who’s been in the army his whole life, says this great line to all of them: “If you ain’t where you are, you’re nowhere.”

To me, visiting my grandkids in person is what I wish I could have. But where I am is in a virtual world— and I need to enjoy virtual visiting more, and try harder with that. The other obstacle I have is boys—4 grandsons. Lol and I know boys well, because of my own. Doesn’t take long (age-wise) til they’re pretty bored by a lot of things girls would like. And starting at about age 13, they only talk in one-word sentences— until they’re about 20. It doesn’t mean they don’t feel; if you know how to pry things out of them, they will talk a little more.

My oldest grandson just turned 13– And we were pretty good buddies when he was little. I got to see him the most. But now, he’s into the one-word conversations.

You know, I’m thinking about making some cookies and mailing them to the kids. Cookies speak to boys! ❤️ Thank you so much for caring enough to help me with this. I’m truly not alone.

 

FWIW - My wife and I have told our 2 children many times that when they move out and seek their lives, we want them to spread their wings and go WHEREEVER that leads them. Specifically, do not worry about us and feel tied to live in the same area/region as us. Part of my push in that direction is that my own mother applied pressure in that regard to me and my siblings, but she got it honestly because her mother was the same way (held a grudge against my father who took my mother and oldest brother to Midway island while he was early in his Navy career - my grandmother NEVER softened towards my dad and it was obvious to us as grandchildren. The immature selfishness there just boggles my mind.)

But in saying that, in granting and encouraging that freedom, I am attempting a selfless act because the future me already grieves and mourns for the loss of contact with both my children as well as my (hopeful) grandchildren. Among all the myriad things my TMS brain worries about, this future state is one of them. I try to quell this by often saying "don't we have enough to worry about?"

 

I can relate. First being a mother was hard, now being a grandmother. It's all the same insecurities for me. Not being good enough. Relationships are hard, but there is much there to facilitate learning and growth.

 

Diana, this is true!

 

This is how it's been with my granddaughter for a while. I corner her when I visit and it feels like a hostage situation.

 

my parents suffocated me with control, and I vowed not to do that to my kids. I honestly don’t even know parents who gave their kids a longer emotional rope than I did. To the point I honestly trained them not to really look back. (they do of course a little. they do love me)— but they don’t think they owe me anything and that’s what I wanted them to feel. It’s a 2-edged sword. But I’d rather things be in their favor, so I’m glad I did what I did. No, don’t worry about the future. The world will probably change even more by then and you can’t predict what will happen. Maybe you’ll own a houseboat in the Caribbean and they’ll all wanna come and float around with you!

 

Words of wisdom, indeed.

 

Beautiful, @Ellen! True! Yes, same insecurities.

 

These relationships can be so hard and hurtful.

I am having a big flare right now because we made plans to see my in-laws and the plans totally got away from us; my in-laws dislike me and visits are very difficult for both me and my husband, so we were intending to make a limited visit (i.e. let's meet fo a picnic, the kids can run around, etc. -- they live an hour away or so and we see them every 4-6 weeks) but somehow we ended up committed to multiple hours at their house. This is a major trigger for me and I barely slept last night. I can't be authentic there and no matter what I do, they dislike me for it. I *really* hate having to hide myself and it's a big TMS issue for me -- not being considered or heard. They also say inappropriate things to the kids ("why won't your mom let you come see me?" stuff) and so we have to listen and watch carefully. They also have a dog that charged one of our kids once and so now we won't come inside unless it is locked up...but MIL thinks this is silly and I don't trust her not to release the dog, which she did do once. (But FIL agrees with us on the dog being crated and has been good about making sure this doesn't happen again.)

They complain lots about not seeing the kids more. I think that they don't have the emotional capacity to recognize any reason except "it's our daughter-in-law keeping them from us." They see their other grandchildren far less than they see our kids -- not even yearly for one family -- because my husband's siblings have set stricter boundaries with them than we have.

It gets me so twisted up inside having to go there...the only thing I can do is use the physical techniques of going loose, breathing, etc. because the mind stuff goes wayyyy spirally and intrusive.

I *hate* that these folks can cause flares for me. I hate that I, for some reason, care. And it's hard for me to forgive them for not being supportive, nurturing grandparents.

Anyways, now I've just listed out my own feelings/problems but all of it is to say that I'm sorry and you're not the only one with troubles in this area! It's really hard and painful.

[EDITED to add: And now I'm thinking to myself...I bet @Diana-M and other grandparents on here have a perspective on my in-laws that I don't have. Maybe I am not doing enough to try to imagine things from their perspective. Maybe I could be more compassionate...my *danger signals* are so active around them, but maybe I could get less wrapped up in it if I could somehow change my perspective. I would like to release myself from caring about it...then I could probably accept them and this unhappy situation better, and maybe even see them more often. There's that word again -- accept! Maybe it's because I am in resistance mode that it bothers me so much!]

One point of encouragement: After my mother's death, my dad estranged us from my mother's family. Many years later, when I was in my twenties, I renewed my relationship with them. My aunts and cousins (my grandparents passed a few years ago, in their '90s, but I was able to see them again, too) are now some of my closest friends. I take my whole family to visit them every year. They are so dear to me.

So -- you may not have the fullness of the relationship that you want yet, but it's not over yet, either! Hang in there. You may end up with beautiful, deep, fulfilling relationships within your family when you least expect it. This story isn't over!

 

So much here I can relate, wow I feel for ya.

It's like they've always said, "you can pick your friends, you can pick your neighbors, but you can't pick your family."