On not offering to help

I used to think that the way to get help when you need it was to offer help when others need it.

Turns out that's not true. I've learned this over many years. Most people do not behave reciprocally. They will just take from you. Or, if they do help you, they will refuse a reciprocal relationship -- they will refuse your help. Which is equally bad in terms of having real relationships.

I just made a mistake with this and I'm pissed at myself and having symptoms. Situation: My daughter's volleyball team needed rides. I'm in a difficult car and scheduling situation but I thought, you know, maybe I can find a way to offer rides once a week. We all need to pull together. So I did offer. But almost all the other moms just said "my daughters need rides every day thanks" and so now my daughter is one of the very few who don't have daily rides, while 2/3 of the team has a ride every day because their moms weren't stupid enough to offer to help instead of just taking.

And I can't help but thinking, I made a rookie mistake here. If I had been unwilling to extend myself to help others, she'd have rides. (I'm trying to find rides for her now in a different way -- hopefully it will work out.)

I don't know what to do now. A new rule of never offering to help? Do I need that for a while until I get better common sense about how to handle this?

I know there's a moral aspect to this, especially as a Christian. We are to give to those who cannot repay us. But then what to I do when I get symptoms from people taking advantage??

How do we balance this? Maybe those of us prone to help others too much need a harsher discipline of self-stewardship than those who are prone to take advantage of others. Maybe a policy of saying NO for a while?

Thoughts?

 

I should add that my annoyance is compounded by a friend calling to ask if her grandkids could come feed our chickens, but not at any of the few times I have available this week, and she wants me to rearrange my schedule, and she doesn't want to come when I'm not home, although I offered.

I did say, Sorry, no.

But UGHHHHH

 

We have to accept it, that's it. I have some issues regarding this subject as well. You do what you can, but stay genuine, true to yourself, do not go above and beyond to do x or y if you can't do it. Do what you can. That's it.

It doesn't matter what other people do or not do. It's their karma...as I like to think. I'm at a certain point now when I don't expect much from others. So I don't get disappointed. If they are nice - great! I am thankful. And pleasantly surprised.

If they are not nice or if they are real a$$h@ll$...OK...moving on.

Not easy, I know...but it is what it is. That's human nature, I guess...imperfect.

 

I always struggle with overdoing and not getting what I need. I think my TMS symptoms are trying to teach me otherwise— and maybe yours are too. “If you don’t say no, your body will.” (That’s a saying I made up years ago —before I even knew about TMS!)

As far as the Christian aspect goes, I always think of this that Jesus said: “ love your neighbor as yourself.” I like to translate this as: love your neighbor and yourself, for those of us who don’t know how to love ourselves properly. In other words, at least treat yourself as well as you would someone else. This makes it a little easier to figure out what to do.

One thing I’ve learned in my TMS journey over the past year, is to accept the very awkward and horrible feeling of doing something I view as “not good.” (Violating my need for goodism.) It feels shocking, actually. The best example of this for me is not doing what my grown kids want me to do, expect me to do, and what I think would make them feel good. For me to say, “no thank you, I don’t want to come to your house right now”— feels so not good to me. I’m a bad person. But I’ve done it so many times this past year that I’m actually getting used to it. And you know the truth? All it is is being honest. I’m not really a bad person at all. I’m just saying what I need. They can interpret it as me being not nice if they want. But why can’t I have what I need? Same with you. If it’s inconvenient for someone to feed your chickens at a certain time, then that’s what you need. It’s OK to tell people, “I’m having trouble with my car right now. Can you loan me a favor? I need my daughter to have a ride every day.”

It really goes against the grain to learn this: but I think we have to.

 

And there is another point, I just thought about it...reading the last comment here.

We, or at least I...maybe more people here...it's hard for us to ask for help. I mean in general. I did/do my best to take care of x or y on my own. My best. And then if I need help, I have to actually be desperately in need of help in order to ask for it.

It's not normal, I realize. I have to practice this new habit of asking for help.

 

Thank you, @Diana-M and @Sita . You're so right that my own choices and self-worth need to be detached from the choices and opinions of others. I think I'm mostly mad at myself for offering to help when I really shouldn't.

I've also identified in recent days that I have a strong fear of being busy. I'm so sure I'll be overwhelmed. This car situation is making me very extra busy and there are things I just can't do. Unfortunately that is meaning not meeting my own social needs and exercise needs, once again. The guilt is so strong, as is the overwhelm. And I know it's the root of TMS; feeling trapped in service of others, with no opportunity to take care of myself.

I don't know where I can possibly pull back enough to make time. I feel like I am not allowed to make decisions in which the kids miss out on something so I can have something. For example, both my sons are in PT and OT right now; I suspect that they don't really need PT, and the OT I think should wrap up pretty soon. But the therapist give every indication of wanting to continue...forever? And their office does not allow parents to leave the waiting room, and I have to bring my 5-year-old, and and and. I want to say "no PT for now and the OT ends at the end of this round" but that feels so wrong. Like, GASP, you wouldn't take your children to their therapy appointments just because you didn't like sitting in the waiting room? What kind of mother are you?

But the other things on our schedule are equally important. Not one is "okay" to cancel/quit according to my high standards. And getting to the grocery store twice a week even feels so hard!

 

Find the strength to decide to go there with the kids less often. You have to feel/be healthy mentally as well in order to take care of all these things. If you collapse, who is going to continue?

 

Time is a resource. As a mother, you have to allocate the use of this time. Taking care of yourself IS taking care of your kids. So, resources need to be spent on you, too. The problem with us TMSers is we can crawl a thousand miles on broken glass and not complain. But just because we can, does that make it right? You can do without everything for yourself— you obviously can. You’re a tough cookie. But it isn’t right. And it’s not sustainable. Your TMS brain knows that’s true!

 

"The problem with us TMSers is we can crawl a thousand miles on broken glass and not complain."

YEP!!!!

And when you do - I mean not complain but learn to say no, you can become very unpopular with the folks who are used to your saying yes all the time.
You will sweat this. Guilt, mingled with a sense of injustice ... of ANGER and rage for your finally having the courage and conviction to stand up for yourself, not in spite of others but because of YOU and yours - and feeling like you are being told it's "wrong" do it. That's nothing to do with God or religion. That's to do with the way society, family etc. has groomed us into thinking that being self-less is the way to care and to be anything else is self-ish, which of course is just as much of a load of BS is the symptoms inner rage causes because of this kind of conflict.

"Christianity" and being a "good Christian" has nothing to do with any of this - those are judgements and constraints developed by society and the dictation of religions that have been created to create some kind of societal order. Beliefs can cause us to judge ourselves and others and then of course we get more internal conflict because we aren't "supposed" to judge others even if we feel judged. I've learned to worry less about what humans think of me. It's been a long road and it's cost me some friends, gained me some others... but it's earned my own self-respect, and shown me that as @Diana-M says, loving yourself and your family doesn't exclude loving others but loving others above yourself does ultimately exclude yourself.

This time you'll get symptoms, next time you might too - standing up for yourself and saying no, and feeling things are unjust are simply bigger triggers right now. Eventually those triggers soften, especially as you begin to feel more confident about their antidotes. Don't take it out on yourself! It's totally rude of someone to expect you to alter your schedule to accommodate their wishes and it's perfectly reasonable to expect them to take a "no" for an answer or two negotiate a time in the future that works for you both if you want to. As for your daughter, that's just a live and learn situation. The other Mom's simply had it all figured out because they don't offer - they've figured out a way to finagle their daughters transport. All you have to do is figure out what they did. It's not about being Christian - it's about them being able to say "no" they can't provide transpiration themselves because they have learned to say "no" and had to make decisions about their own schedules. This is a great opportunity to prayerfully ask for guidance in learning to say no with grace while offering service to others when you can do it with a joyful and open heart (because you don't feel like you are sacrificing yourself or your family time, and you aren't doing it just to please everyone else). You can also ask for the blessing of transportation (or the guidance to find it) for your daughter.

Uncovering these triggers can be painful, but we can learn so much through them.

 

Yes!

Regarding the ridiculous demands from others, I had a great psychotherapist one time and she said: "Think about it like this. Would you ever ask for this type of ridiculous demand from a friend/acquaintance? If the answer is "NO!" then if someone wants you to do x or y for them, just say "NO!". Politely and kindly refuse to do it and that's it."

I use this every time now. It's a wonderful tip. I truly recommend it. Some people have no shame and they try to take advantage. I don't permit it anymore.

 

@dlane2530
You can do a load of favours and good deeds to help out and support other people, but, in my experience -- step out of line in even a minor way and say something or do something they don't approve of for some reason or don't say something or do something they want you to say or do -- and all those favours and good deeds are so often completely forgotten... and you get tossed aside like a used Kleenex. So now I only do things for other people that I want to do and accept the consequences because, as Judge Judy always says (I watched a lot of daytime TV when I was bedridden with TMS) ---- "No good deed goes unpunished" (in one way or another).

And not wishing to stir up marital disharmony or anything, but, I'd be asking myself why the burden of all this extra work is all on you (that is, if your husband isn't helping out at all).

Look after yourself ------ "Put your own oxygen mask on first." ------ and if that means that some people in your family miss out on doing some things/going to some places for a while, while you save up to buy another car, it's not going to kill them.... it surely has to be better than you collapsing and then not being able to do any of this stuff.

 

You are so right!!!

 

Brilliant. Yes.

 

(A good point -- but it's not, exactly. It's that one of us has to have the car -- either him at work or me at work-from-home -- and if he has it, I feel kinda trapped at home. So usually I have it, which means I have to drive everybody.)

 

I talked with my husband and I think we'll be pausing some of the kid appointments. It's just not sustainable. And I'm not convinced it's helping, anyways. Thank you for your encouragement!

This right here was really helpful. Yes, I'll get symptoms from saying NO! I hadn't quite realized that, but it definitely happens. And it is in some ways taking it out on myself. I'm encouraged to think about this lessening each time. So that I no longer feel like I should avoid saying no!

 

I appreciated that, but you were saying in a previous thread that driving everybody around, to include taking your husband to work and picking him up from work, takes up time you would otherwise be using to prepare and cook meals and other things too that you do for your family, so I was thinking that it would be good and take some pressure off you if he were helping with things like that.... cooking, the laundry or whatever. But that's something between you and him and of course I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, so it's just a thought that I'll leave there.

 

Yes, that's a good point. And I will say that sometimes I stand in the way. Like he will offer and I will say no out of some twisted sense of "I'm supposed to do everything." I have been getting better at saying yes to him in the past 9 months! He's started cooking a lot more, etc.! When I was younger I bought this stupid lie (not from him, from the internet) about how a homemaker shouldn't ask her husband to participate in home tasks...I thought if I did it right I'd be happy...but of course that's BS. Things are getting much better in this regard!
I do need to pay careful attention to this. Sometimes right now he is offering to take the kids somewhere and I'm saying no...I need to say yes.

 

@BloodMoon I'm grateful for what you said; it's making me reflect further on how I think of myself vs. him and our roles and I do need to reflect on this more. I think it's from the inside, for the most part.

 

You put this so well, Diana! "Just because we can, does that make it right?"

 

This discussion is helping me too. My husband offers to help and I say no. Out of my perfectionism...I suppose. I do it better and faster but not everything has to be done perfectly. It's impossible to be honest.