NIGHTMARE AS A LEARNED SYMPTOM

Hey TMS community!

Coming back here a bit lost and looking for guidance.


I am 20 years old now, and basically beat my intense chronic pelvic pain using Sarno’s approach. I wasn’t a quick healer like some with just a quick read, but took me months and months with lifestyle shifts to essentially beat it. I like to say I beat it, but I think that’s unfair to say. Every now and then, in high stress moments it comes back and attacks me at full force, and I can’t always shake it right away.


This all started (I believe) from all the unconscious emotions from a porn addiction I was battling. It was chronic and out of control. In short, one day I told myself I would stop, and proceeded to quit that day and never engage again. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and even though I got myself off all that stuff– the emotional scarring left me with agonizing pain in my groin and pelvis mixed with chronic tightening. Took me a year to find out it was TMS, then another year to get it under control with the resources.


Overall, I now have a girlfriend, moved on, and a more steady life; it’s crazy to think how this used to occupy all waking hours of the day and I now barely think about it. Coming back to it is hard–not the pain, but the memories and emotions.


Right now I am alone and dealing with high stress moments, and I am getting brutally vivid, and dark nightmares constantly about masterbating, watching porn, doing unspeakable taboo sexual acts and thinking all the progress I’ve made over the years is gone and I revert back to a sicko in the end. Then I wake up shaking. The pain slightly comes back, which I am less worried about but the dreams I have no doubt are a symptom of the TMS pain. Nonetheless I still have unconscious emotions that are unresolved. I am not worried about the pain as much as I know I can get out of it, but even if the recurring dreams only occur in times of stress and pressure of my life–when I am away from those I love, how do I get rid of them if they are a symptom out of control and in my unconscious. I used to have them along with other symptoms and I feel kind of lost, I do not know where to turn. Ignore and wait it out?


Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any feedback.

 

Hey TMS community!

Coming back here a bit lost and looking for guidance.


I am 20 years old now, and basically beat my intense chronic pelvic pain using Sarno’s approach. I wasn’t a quick healer like some with just a quick read, but took me months and months with lifestyle shifts to essentially beat it. I like to say I beat it, but I think that’s unfair to say. Every now and then, in high stress moments it comes back and attacks me at full force, and I can’t always shake it right away.


This all started (I believe) from all the unconscious emotions from a porn addiction I was battling. It was chronic and out of control. In short, one day I told myself I would stop, and proceeded to quit that day and never engage again. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and even though I got myself off all that stuff– the emotional scarring left me with agonizing pain in my groin and pelvis mixed with chronic tightening. Took me a year to find out it was TMS, then another year to get it under control with the resources.


Overall, I now have a girlfriend, moved on, and a more steady life; it’s crazy to think how this used to occupy all waking hours of the day and I now barely think about it. Coming back to it is hard–not the pain, but the memories and emotions.


Right now I am alone and dealing with high stress moments, and I am getting brutally vivid, and dark nightmares constantly about masterbating, watching porn, doing unspeakable taboo sexual acts and thinking all the progress I’ve made over the years is gone and I revert back to a sicko in the end. Then I wake up shaking. The pain slightly comes back, which I am less worried about but the dreams I have no doubt are a symptom of the TMS pain. Nonetheless I still have unconscious emotions that are unresolved. I am not worried about the pain as much as I know I can get out of it, but even if the recurring dreams only occur in times of stress and pressure of my life–when I am away from those I love, how do I get rid of them if they are a symptom out of control and in my unconscious. I used to have them along with other symptoms and I feel kind of lost, I do not know where to turn. Ignore and wait it out?


Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any feedback.

 

Welcome! Kudos to you for quitting porn, been about 5 years for me, was never really addicted but just felt super yucky about it. Amazing you recognized this at 20 and even more impressive that you acted on it!

I would imagine over time these nightmares will lessen. I think practicing self compassion regarding your addiction is always a good place to start, as are things like meditation to help calm your racing brain which should eventually help with your subconscious and dream world. Have you heard of lucid dreaming? Pretty simple but kinda difficult to learn but doable, I was super into it 2ish years ago and was making good progress but life got in the way and now my lucid dreams are random rather than any discernible pattern, but it’s something I want to get back into!

your dreams are not you, just like your thoughts aren’t you. I’ve done some horrific things in dreams, and I’ve thought some terrible things. They don’t make me a bad person or unworthy of success or happiness. Is this your first relationship? I ask because I wonder if your brain is panicky at the thought of things going well in your life, searching or waiting for things to go wrong (they don’t have to!) and your dreams reflect this dis-ease. I was a bit of a late bloomer and had my first significant relationship in my late 20s but sabotaged it partially due to not knowing how to act when things were going well in my life. Live and learn I suppose! Just recognize you are more than your thoughts and dreams or even your subconscious!

 

I really appreciate this response and it is very interesting.
Yes this is my first relationship. Although the dreams happened well before I got my TMS pain under control, they were always prevelant UNTIL I got a girlfriend. It was one thing I didn't shake from the whole TMS ecosystem. Now that we are both away from college I am getting tormented by them as well as more tightening and bits of pain where I recovered from before. I guess ideas and things we conquered long ago come back to haunt us when we are weakest. On another note, I really agree with what you said about the brain being worried that I'm actually doing good in life. Its funny you say that, because I completely agree that the main cause of TMS is the "it's not ok to be ok yet" mindset. The deliciousness of being a victim, the unconciuous desire to suffer forever. I agree. I see the trap and won't doubt that as my first relationship I really conflict with myself on if this is what I want, even though it really is! And worry myself about it. Anyway, I would be open to discussion to hear your story if your open to that.
Thanks a mountain.

 

ah not much to tell, that relationship put the hand on the grenade pin and a vasectomy pulled it. I ignored my psychological issues for many years, I thought a relationship would fix me. I grew up super anxious around women, struggled with super low confidence. Would have to listen to adults question why I didn’t have a girlfriend, would catch ‘friends’ talking shit about me about my social ineptitude. Regrettably it made me see a partner as a goal to strive toward to prove I wasn’t some ‘weirdo’, and women simply as a means to achieve that goal, not fellows going about their own struggles. It took a lot of inner work to shed those awful thoughts. Anyways all that BS and other childhood trauma made me utterly incapable of functioning in a relationship. So I never really gave my relationship with my ex a true chance, I was avoidant and toxic, never an abuser or anything just super distant and not vulnerable. Broke this poor girl’s heart and essentially ghosted her, her last text months later was how much she hated me and hopes my soul suffered forever. Yikes. She had her issues but I can’t deny the validity in her feelings. Took some time to recognize that while I did wrong, it doesn’t mean I deserve to suffer. And even if chronic pain is some karmic jail sentence (I don’t think it is), I’ve done my time.

anyways I tell you this embarrassing anecdote as a wishful warning. You have a partner. You seem to like her. Be vulnerable with her, tell her some degree of what you’re feeling, and give her a chance to weather some of this storm with you. True vulnerability is a good litmus test for a relationship. I’m so saddened by my childhood that had me called too sensitive over and over, subsequently I stuffed my emotions and stopped trusting people. Recognize the trap that the TMS brain wants our world to be small and afraid. Challenge it.

I think for a long time I enjoyed being the victim, and so my symptoms made that easy. Nowadays I think partly they stick around because without them I’d have to confront the emptiness that is my life. But slowly I’m making progress and realizing that I deserve happiness.

 

So much wisdom, truth, and vulnerability in these posts. Truly impressed with your insights @Rabscuttle and @Zetakas

Sometimes this Forum just blows me away.

 

Thanks Ellen! was hard to hit post on that second message. Lol. Lots of shame there!