Day 38 New Relationship

Have I developed any new relationships since starting the program?

Yes. Reluctantly. One.

I’ll begin by saying that I like my alone time and find plenty to do. For so long, my time was dictated by caring for a sick husband. His needs. Not mine.

I’ve worked through much of that and am only beginning to enjoy myself here and there. I see a therapist for lots of reasons I won’t go into, but he has urged me to be more open to life as it comes. Sooo…

A very nice man has been pursuing me. Not at all my type, but someone I kind of got roped into having dinner with. It was ok. Nothing special. When asked, I made it clear that a friendship is fine, but nothing more. I thought it would end there, but he called again saying he would make dinner. I remembered my therapist wanting me to be more open and to consider men, although I don’t want a man in that sense and said as much.

I went to dinner anyhow, keeping it casual and again, it was ho hum. A real gentleman though but pretty uptight.

Before going, I could feel my anxiety rising. My dread was that he would like me more than I want him to. Not that it would be reciprocal on my part. I felt like I was trapped into doing something I didn’t want to do all because I was trying to be more “open to life as it comes.”

This morning I woke up with a headache, periformis and low back pain. Here I sit on my heating pad while writing this!

Ha, ha! I just noticed that I used the word “trapped” above. Yep. I felt exactly like that: trapped into doing something I didn’t want to do while being the only caregiver for 8 years while my husband disappeared bit by bit. Clearly, I do not want to ever be in that position again!

 

It sounds like you’re just not interested in him and you don’t want to be pursued by someone who’s not of interest to you. But maybe you feel like you should because your therapist is encouraging you. Only do what you want to do. What are you feel in your heart.

 

Bingo Diana-M! There’s a bit more to it re his friendship with a family member, but that’s the bottom line.

 

If there's one thing I HATE is OBLIGATION!!!!
I really do feel free of it for the most part now. It's become so much easier to say no.
Yes, sometimes I feel guilty and uncomfortable about it. Sometimes others question me about it. I no longer explain. I just say "no thank-you" or "I'll think about it" (and I don't bother with the ....and then I'll get back to you part!).

@Mtnjac I love that you are absolutely comfortable with yourself. That you'd be fine on your own and no feel you need someone else. Someone else would be the bonus you choose, not something you feel you need to be complete.

 

This is ultimately causing you stress so I think it is ok to say no to him. Your internal feelings are way more important and you don't want to end up in pain because you didn't say no.

 

Wow, reading this brought out some feelings and thoughts on my end. It truly irritates me when people push things onto you even after you drop subtle hints that you’re a) not interested or b) don’t want to.

Reminds me of a friend, which I’m truly not even sure why I’m friends with (probably something I need to explore more), kept pushing to do something on me even after I politely declined. I just wished I had the confidence to say “no I just don’t want to” like other people. It just comes so easily to others and I admire that.

@Mtnjac, I enjoy reading the topics you write about. It does sound like you are just not interested and that’s okay! It’s also totally okay to be alone.

 

One thing I noticed in my journey is that TMS symptoms for me are caused almost always by my NOT WANTING TO DO SOMETHING—but feeling like people expect me to. Especially, if these people are family or close friends. This creates a HUGE source of tension. I remember when I first started telling people no, how scary it felt. And I was so miserable afterwards. But I’ve gotten better at it. At some point, the gift of TMS is, you’ll do just about anything to stop suffering—including pissing off your family. And you know, after you do it awhile, they get used to you being a No person. It’s not such a shock to them.

 

Yep. Totally @Diana-M. I noticed this too. I am guilty of feeling guilty saying no. And then I’ll try to fix it because I want the other person to feel good and to feel happy.

 

I know! Right?!!! Meanwhile, you’re doubled up with symptoms.

 

I am going to become a “No thank you” woman! Old habits die hard. In this case though, “Thank you!” I really admire your resolve and must practice not explaining.

 

Caught off guard, I justified my action as “being open to life as it comes,” ignoring my instincts to decline. So today I related my experience in therapy and we both agreed that I should do as I damn well please. And that this man was looking for me to fix him! Ah, a great point there.

Inasmuch as I have discussed my grief, great love and desire to avoid a long-term relationship, I think my therapist wants me to be open to the possibility of the “right” relationship should it come. It’s the one thing about which we disagree. Lord have mercy! Nope. No way. I happen to like being with me.

 

Yes I will say No, because nothing I say discourages him. Thank you Joulegirl!

 

JanA,
I like “I don’t want to.”

 

Many thanks for your reinforcement of “I don’t want to.” This has always been hard for me to say. How I got this old is a miracle!

 

Like you, I’ve really noticed I need my acknowledgment of my gut instincts to be instantaneous. They are always spot on. I just don’t hear them and act on them soon enough. I am getting a little better at this, but not quick enough! And I get “caught off guard,” all the time. And while I’m caught off guard, rationalize what I “should” do. This is all TMS la-la land.

If he’s too pushy, I’d tell him to back off. This kind of pressure creeps in insidiously, because it appears to be “for your own good.” YOU and ONLY YOU know what’s good for you. Why? Because your instincts are spot on. (The inheritance of children raised under stress.)

 

Oh boy. That’s been me. It’s so irrational when I think about it. Why would I ever put someone else before myself knowing now what I know about what generates pain and anxiety. Practice Mtnjac, practice! Thanks so much for your words.

 

Great insight. No, my gut never fails me, but my actions have.

 

Love this, Jan! Plus it settles the issue.