Need some advice please!

[Rory]

Hi guys, thanks for reading.
I started the structured program earlier this week, I’m only up to day 3. The reason I’m messaging is that I’ve made a bit too much progress and have got myself in a bit of state!
Yesterday I read the day 2 article which gives some potential sources of negative emotions, the feelings of ‘inadequacy/not being good enough’ in particular struck home.
While at work today I noticed I get a wave of symptoms if my boss walks past me. I took ten minutes for myself to put pen to paper and think about this. I realised that my symptoms started soon after starting work. I also began to remember how hard I found starting work and how anxious I used to feel. I’m a Structural Engineer and I’ve always found it very challenging, and often feel like I’m underperforming.
Looking at this I realised that as my boss gets near I try and make sure I look busy, and if he appears and I’m day dreaming or something I get really anxious. Then under the surface I think I’ve done something bad, and feel ashamed and embarrassed etc. I realised I get this in a lot of situations at work.
I used to ‘feel’ this all the time when I started work, then I went though a stage of chain reading personal development books. They all talked about the power of positive thinking and positive self talk etc. I did what the books said and became quite good at it and have felt very good and confident since.
I haven’t ‘felt’ or even realised these feelings for a long time, presumably because I’m quite good at all the positive self talk stuff and drown them out.
I had a good dig and explore into these feelings earlier and I’ve been feeling really quite sad and unhappy, they’re whizzing through my head back and forth. I’m feeling very tense, confused and agitated. I spent the train journey home imagining all sorts of nasty scenario’s in the office, people laughing at me and things like that, I haven’t done that in a long time either.
I haven’t had any TMS symptoms for a couple of hours which rarely happens so I seem to have dug up an important source for it. I’m thrilled with this and recognise that this is progress.
My question is now that I’ve discovered a reservoir of nasty emotions and pulled the cork out, what do I do with them!
I feel awful at the moment, my heads swimming so much it’s giving me a head ache. Are the feelings just potent because they’ve been bottled up? Should I keep focusing on them and they’ll settle down? Is ‘beating’ TMS just becoming aware that they’re there? Can I shove them back down where they came from and just investigate them every once in a while so there’s no need for the TMS distraction?
I’m only on day 3 of the program so I haven’t delved into any techniques for dealing with emotions yet but I’ve let loose something nasty that’s been bubbling under the surface and I don’t know what to do with it!
I’m going to go cook myself a nice dinner from scratch now to try and calm myself down a bit. I’d be very grateful for any suggestions of what I could do after.
Many thanks, Rory

 

[veronica73]

Hi Rory,

Wow, I could have written this! But the good news is I'm getting better and I know you will too. In fact, it sounds like you are already making a lot of progress!

I haven’t ‘felt’ or even realised these feelings for a long time, presumably because I’m quite good at all the positive self talk stuff and drown them out.

Yes, I've done this too. I now think we need to really feel all the dark and unpleasant feelings fully before shifting to seeing things in a more positive light.

I’m feeling very tense, confused and agitated.

-- this is actually really common with TMS, pain gets better and anxiety increases for a while. I remember having a lot of anxiety when I first started working on TMS (and sometimes still, but much less often)

About feeling the feelings...I still struggle with this. I have very little pain now but this is pretty much THE new issue I am dealing with every day. I call it FOF ("fear of feelings") It's getting better--I'm finding that I need to sit with the feelings more, even if they are uncomfortable. Journaling is good but if you're picking at things a lot and spending a lot of time analyzing, you've just moved from obsessing about pain to obsessing about feelings (I've done this). I'm also starting therapy soon so I am hoping that will help.

I think it's good to maintain some balance too, like focusing on making dinner or hanging out with people, watching, tv, etc.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Veronica

 

[BruceMC]

This sounds like the same feelings of free-floating anxiety that I started experiencing about three days into the SP. I think it's symptomatic of the change in your brain's biochemistry that's part of the process. However, after a while, the anxiety you mention started to subside and were replaced by a warm, relaxed glow. I think as your center of consciousness moves from the instinctive, emotional paleomammalian part of your mind (the part that's activating your pain pathways) to the more rational neocortex, you'll begin noticing your TMS symptoms starting to subside. You'll also feel more emotionally in control of your situation at work. All the best! Good luck!

 

[Forest]

The reason I’m messaging is that I’ve made a bit too much progress and have got myself in a bit of state!

My initial reaction to this is that it is just your TMS talking. Remember your unconscious will try to keep you occupied with something, either pain or anxiety, so you won't focus on your emotions. With that said, it can be difficult sometimes, to handle some of the more powerful emotions that come up when doing the work. If you ever feel like your safety is a concern that should always be the highest priority, so get help from a professional if you need it. If anyone is having difficulty processing some of the emotions that arise during journaling, then doing it with a therapist may be a good idea.

If you haven't yet seen it, veronica posted a terrific article in the thread Feeling feelings. It really hits home the point about the need to accept our emotions and understand why we feel guilty about some of them. Don't judge yourself for having a feeling or an emotion. It is just that, a feeling. It is not an action you did, but simply an emotion you will have momentarily. We all need to be kind to ourselves when going through the program.

 

[Beach-Girl]

Hi Rory and welcome!

As anxiety queen of 2012, I can totally empathize. The trick is to catch it while it's happening. Like your trip home from work when you found yourself thinking "bad things". What I try and do is catch myself with that "loop" going and think of something else. Nature, being outdoors, the last time I laughed really hard. It will change your thoughts back to where you want them.

There is a debate of sorts of about feeling your feelings - or watching them go by. And I'm in the latter camp. Good luck, this much "action" on Day three is a good thing!

BG