Need advice on facing possible triggers as holidays approach

[SaraKris77]

Hi, I keep coming back to something from the Dr. Schubiner video from Day 6. In it, he said something to the effect of: Children who grow up not feeling safe are likely to have a sensitized danger alarm mechanism which can be triggered later in life by other stressful life events or a physical injury.

I 100% grew up not feeling safe from the time I was 7 years old because my mother passed away and my father remarried someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive. I lived in fear of even coming out of my bedroom unless I was given permission to. A divorce and a physical injury both triggered my danger alarm mechanism over the years. Before I even knew about TMS, I knew I had to cut off communications with my step-mom 2 years ago, sensing that somehow that I couldn't heal until I did. Unfortunately, my father won't talk to me because of this

I'm 10 days into the Pain Recovery Program and it's already making such a HUGE difference in my life. Interestingly, my step-Mom has re-surfaced in the middle of this, sending emails saying that as the holiday's approach, she wants to "restore our relationship." I miss talking to my Dad but I don't miss my step-Mom ruining the holidays. Should I wait until I've complete the program to re-establish communications with her, if at all?

Thanks for your advice!
S

 

[BloodMoon]

Should I wait until I've complete the program to re-establish communications with her, if at all?

If she's a narcissist or sociopath, no, don't re-establish communications. "Restore our relationship" to a narcissist or sociopath is all about their desire to regain control. (If you don't already know about the manipulative etc., behaviour of narcissists and sociopaths, then I recommend you look up about how they operate.)

Even if she isn't a narcissist or sociopath, she sounds very far from being a nice person from what you say here....

my father remarried someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive. I lived in fear of even coming out of my bedroom unless I was given permission to.

I knew I had to cut off communications with my step-mom 2 years ago, sensing that somehow that I couldn't heal until I did.

I think you were wise to trust and go with your instincts, and you are your own hero in doing so. Associating with her again would be more than likely to drag you down even when you have healed... you'd probably find yourself 'unhealed' again.

 

[Joulegirl]

Oh I am so sorry to hear about this! Setting boundaries is hard. But you did it for a reason. To me that makes me think you should go with your instincts. The fact that you aren't saying yes right away and turned to the forum for advice means you are hesitant. And you should be! How does it feel to imagine having to talk to her and respond to that email? What emotions come up? That's where your answers lie.

And I'm so sorry that your dad took her side when he should have protected you in your childhood. (That is definitely something to explore in the SEP writings!) Make sure that you don't rationalize what he has done. ( I was guilty of doing that with my dad.) Write honestly in your journal how you feel that your dad married her and allowed her to abuse you.

Another question: will you be able to have holiday plans elsewhere if you choose not to respond to this? The holiday can be hard so if you decide not to talk to them, what would you want to do instead?

Sending you hugs! It sounds like you are doing great with the SEP!!!

 

[Cactusflower]

I also grew up in a home that felt emotionally unsafe and spent a lot of time in my room. I still like to be enclosed in smaller spaces when I am alone, and need my own room in a home so I can do as I please there.
@BloodMoon is absolutely correct. If you aren't familiar with narcissism or other personality disorders, it would be good to get a basic idea of what you are dealing with.
On top of this, you may need to learn some concrete skills you never had the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries etc. It's important to begin to get a grasp on these things when you can. It's also very important for you to learn how and why to say "no" in these contexts, because as Bloodmoon says, you can't bargain or even use boundaries most of the time on narcissists or sociopaths.
Yes, it may mean you will be forced to make some decisions like not having much contact with your father because of it. I had very little contact with my sister and her children while she was married to my sociopath and narcissistic brother in law.
My own personality traits fed into my relationship with my mother (after all, she raised me to be a goodist, people pleaser who followed the rules to a "t" so I could serve her needs), and I recognized that her own emotional immaturity meant I had not been taught the skills I needed to avoid people who would take advantage of my old personality traits.
At times I still struggle with this, but at least now I am fully aware of how to pick and choose my battles and the subconscious rage cycles that can occur.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Write honestly in your journal how you feel that your dad married her and allowed her to abuse you.

This advice can't be repeated too often, because it is so essential for recovery. I firmly believe that every individual who has ever suffered from adversity caused by a parent MUST acknowledge the harm caused by the passive parent. It has to be done, no matter how hard it is, because the truth is that if you don't do this, you will never make it to the other side where you can finally heal yourself.

I heard about a book published within the last few years about the damage that can be inflicted on children by emotionally dysfunctional parents - @Diana-M might know the book I'm referring to, and I'll try to dredge it from my memory.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

So the book I remembered is "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" but a little more web searching brought me to this reddit post with other recommendations on the same topic:
https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedA...4/i_didnt_love_adult_children_of_emotionally/
I'll support the idea here that we get more out of any particular book - especially the first one - if it speaks to our situation. Just like so many of us say "I saw myself on every page" of our first Sarno book.
I would expect that a lot of these books are available at no cost from public libraries in multiple formats, or with premium audio subscriptions.

 

[Diana-M]

knew I had to cut off communications with my step-mom 2 years ago, sensing that somehow that I couldn't heal until I did.

Believe your gut instinct, and don’t sabotage your healing. The hardest part is grieving all the losses. You wish you had support and family. But you can’t die over it. I face these exact trials. And I know my gut is right, but sometimes I waver. It’s hard, but take care of yourself. Sometimes some of us have to make brutal sacrifices. And all the pretending in the world won’t make the realities of abuse go away. Trust that you will find better people to love you and wait for it.

 

[SaraKris77]

If she's a narcissist or sociopath, no, don't re-establish communications. "Restore our relationship" to a narcissist or sociopath is all about their desire to regain control. (If you don't already know about the manipulative etc., behaviour of narcissists and sociopaths, then I recommend you look up about how they operate.)

Even if she isn't a narcissist or sociopath, she sounds very far from being a nice person from what you say here....

I think you were wise to trust and go with your instincts, and you are your own hero in doing so. Associating with her again would be more than likely to drag you down even when you have healed... you'd probably find yourself 'unhealed' again.

Thank you so much for affirming what I've been feeling along! I'm so grateful to have found this forum!

 

[SaraKris77]

Oh I am so sorry to hear about this! Setting boundaries is hard. But you did it for a reason. To me that makes me think you should go with your instincts. The fact that you aren't saying yes right away and turned to the forum for advice means you are hesitant. And you should be! How does it feel to imagine having to talk to her and respond to that email? What emotions come up? That's where your answers lie.

And I'm so sorry that your dad took her side when he should have protected you in your childhood. (That is definitely something to explore in the SEP writings!) Make sure that you don't rationalize what he has done. ( I was guilty of doing that with my dad.) Write honestly in your journal how you feel that your dad married her and allowed her to abuse you.

Another question: will you be able to have holiday plans elsewhere if you choose not to respond to this? The holiday can be hard so if you decide not to talk to them, what would you want to do instead?

Sending you hugs! It sounds like you are doing great with the SEP!!!

Thank you for the hugs and for asking! The past 2 years, I've spent the holidays with friends, in-laws, or just at the beach with my husband and don't ever plan to spend it with the step-mom again. I'm not sure if she thinks she will convince me otherwise or what but it's not happening!