My story & how to do the deep work when in Europe? whenever I make life plans TMS prevents me?

...where the TMS is not much known BUT YouTube is a great source of info and I bought all the books from Dr Sarno, Nichole Sachs, H.Shubiner. I have been in talking therapy with many different psychologists since 2008. Tried Yoga as my first mind-body approach and then discovered mindfulness back in 2013.
After months of research for my unexplained laundry list of symptoms back in 2019 after the perfect storm, I came across the work of Dr Sarno. Now trying to follow some programs on rewiring the nervous system, and also found a local somatic practitioner on the polyvagal theory.
I don´t know how to break away the cycle of as soon as I want to change my life and quit my job to move, I get sick and in pain.

My story :
The nervous system starts in Utero, and I wasn´t a wanted child, I was an accident. I shouldn´t even have been born as my birth story was they thought I was dead, my young mom wasn´t panicking...but here I came by C section and perfectly healthy and beautiful. My parents were young and did what they could, but I didn´t feel love, I remember asking my mum age 5 "what can I do Mum so you love me?" Her answer "go tidy your room". I learned love was conditional to my success at school. I also had a bit of beating, but mostly when I needed support I had my Teddy.
I always had health issues though, hospilized for unexplained vomiting age 2. Then eye surgery age 5 where I was so scared. Then I pictured my mom as a witch age 10, and I fainted at school one day, she took me to the doctors who told her to be nicer to me. My sister was born then and I was just left taking care of myself. School, grooming, dressing, breakfast. I developed psoriasis. I was constantly told I wasn´t good enough and would never amount to anything (amongst other things) by my own parents.
I felt that when I was sick that was the only time she was taking care of me. I was often sick. Then I was old enough to just stay home sick on my own.
In my teens Then I had bowel issues, then I had a "ball sensation" in my throat, then glandular fever and was told I´d be tired for the rest of my life...great when you ´re 19 and getting started with sophomore in college. I met a supportive boyfriend, he was mad at my mum for treating me this way. Then as I was working on my thesis I developed chest pain, it was "stress". I often had UTIs also. While I was scared of failure I also had to constantly reassure my parents.
I then got offered my dream job and moved abroad (within Europe) and was also at the doctor for sore throats etc they thought I was crazy for always visitng them.
4 happy years, until I started to feel I wanted to move back to home country, but had to convince my boyfriend and was carrying the weight of decision. He was until then really my emotional crutch. Then I somehow couldn´t handle the change and got into a depression...followed by bladder issues, then pelvic pain, IBS and a diagnosis of endometriosis. We broke up.
I stayed, tried to be alone for the first time. Then surgery for endometriosis...then started an interesting pattern.
Everytime I wanted to change my life and move away from this country, quit my job, I´d get stronger pain or some new illness that would prevent me from doing so. I go a job offer for the USA, my endometriosis pain returned full fledged. Surgery. So I stayed.
All these years I was talking to psychologists and also acupuncturist all said I need to make a decision to leave or stay and this purgarotory keeps me sick.
I got chronic sinusitis from mold so I was chronically ill and fatigue for 1 years until a surgery.
in 2014 I was feeling better and decided to live life. All good, until in 2019 instead of bying my house and settling down I wanted to take 3 months leave to explore the world and find a new place to live (after working for years with a life coach). I had prepared the solo travel....but was so stressed that I develop acid stomach issues and then a UTI in mexico that wouldn´t go away...Caught the "Bali belly" in Bali ended up at the hospital. and then finally back home, I felt happy. I felt I was ready for change. Called a friend to enquire about a job in NYC. Or maybe I should rather stay in Europe...anyways I caught a "flu like" in the middle of July and was in bed then never recovered.
I had this chronic fatigue, bladder pain, muscle pain, like being in quicksand, ears ringing, tingling in arms and feet, and feeling spaced out overall. Went to the doctors = nothing. Then started months of reserach doc after doc, testing for Lyme, parasites everything...Got diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, and later with fibromyalgia. Ever since, I moved closer to work in the middle of nowhere, then tried to travel on the weekends to the city to make my life more interesting and date but I can´t keep up.
I want to do things, I still want to move out but now I know myself and even if I know it´s TMS it does such a good job at getting me anxious, panicked, depressed and in bed when I try to apply for jobs, take a sabbatical, go back to Asia, buy real estate (anything an adult does), give a conference talk... It´s like I need support and a parent who would say "you can do this".
I am not sure how to get moving despite this, how to calm down the perceived danger?
So, I am doing the programs, but talking therapy helped a little, not enough...not sure how to get to the deep deep work...tried EMDR too.

 

It sounds like you want to move somewhere after a while to find something better to escape the current situations because it doesn't feel safe or maybe the hope of moving to a new place would bring changes you expect to fix you or your life. Then you get afraid of moving because it involves changes and unpredictability which don't feel safe either. The brain is stuck and the symptoms keep coming to feed that dilemma, move or not move etc. You don't have to move somewhere to feel safe, or if you decide to move it would be ok too. In a sense, when we do emotional work and find true ourselves we are "moving" to a safer place. Not physically to a different location but we change and that is the most important "move" we could exert the most control no matter what we do or where we are or who we are surrounded with.

 

Hi, @Lalabelle
Wow! What a story. So well written. Your body is strong with “the force.” (The evil TMS force, that is.) It sure has jerked your around. I have to say, I know that feeling. Everything I’ve ever done has been only when I could overcome the severe anxiety. Then came Claire Weekes. Have you read any of her books? Her book, Hope and Help for Your Nerves will blow your mind and explain SO much!

Secondly— what have you read by John Sarno? This is foundational info on why and how your primitive brain is in control of you right now. You’re going to have to wrestle it to win. It’s possible! Sarno explains how. I like his book The MindBody Prescription.

You are in the right place to learn everything you need to get your life—for the first time. We are all hard at work here and we will support you!