My own baseball bat for beating on the head

I am my most “severest critic” and it affects me because I was pushed away by my Mother as a child. She was grieving the loss of my baby brother. I tried to get her attention, her approval, her acceptance every day every way I could. If I didn’t get her attention I must have been doing something wrong so I just needed to work at being more perfect. If I flubbed up I started beating myself on my head with a baseball bat. The baseball bat has now become a constant companion.

I now have my own monogrammed baseball bat that is always in my hand for beating myself on the head. It has grown larger as I have. My palm fits perfectly when wrapped around the bat. I have carried it for many many years. I have become very good at using the bat on my head. The more I do it, the better I get. It is not a particularly heavy baseball bat. It is actually quite light weight allowing for multiple beatings on my head when a mistake has been committed.

I am thinking about retiring my baseball bat. I am thinking about putting the bat in the back of my closet. Just thinking about storing it away I can feel my eyes lift up. My body stands taller allowing clean fresh air to enter my lungs. I can now raise both my hands up to the sun breathing a huge sigh of relief allowing me to face a much brighter happier new me.

That baseball bat is a lot heavier than I realized. I’ll kick that bat to the curb for Thursday’s trash pickup.

 

My guess is that your mother had absolutely no idea what a terrible long-term effect her behaviour would have on you. Grieving is a primal and uncontrollable connection to loss, and to lose a son must be one of the most terrible things that could happen to anyone. As a child you didn't know any of this. You simply wanted love, and your mum was unable to show it to you. The more you tried, the worse the situation got. It must have been about then that you started beating yourself up - but you didn't have to. You have choices - now - that you might not have understood then. You can choose to be kind to yourself, and kind to your mum. And it won't change the past, but it will change you now and for the future.

 

Yes, I can and yes, I will.