I grew up in an extremely abusive household in Asia. My father was psychotic and lacked basic survival skills. Every time there was a difficult situation he would lose his cool and beat us.
He beat us if we missed a train and he had to buy a new ticket, if we broke a glass and he had to buy a new one, if my sister or I would get sick and he had to pay the doctor's fee. Once my sister developed a kidney infection and had to be hospitalized. He told the doctor to give her something that would kill her. He went as far as finding a list of foods to avoid during kidney infections, printed off the list, and ordered the doctor to feed that to my sister so she dies.
We lived in a mixed-family household. My aunts and uncles lived with us along with their families. It was a difficult life. We saw our aunts and uncles show affection to their kids, but none was ever shown to us. All kids in the house received gifts on holidays except us. We never demanded or expected any gifts. My father onced beat me up for touching my cousin's holiday gift.
Every time my father got abusive, my mother would lock us up in a room. We would sit on the inside while he threatened to break the door from the outside. The sound of him trying to break door still rings in my mind.
One of our uncles figured out that my father is psychostic. The uncle started taking financial advantage of my father. He began advising him on investments and siphoning money. Eventually, my father started paying almost all his earnings to that uncle. He would ask my mother to feed us once a day, because he could not afford two meals. He would snatch plates from us if he found out we were having an "extra" meal.
Our culture looks down on divorce as a tabboo. Despite having a horrible marriage, my mother kept the reality hidden from the "society", i.e. anyone outside of those who lived in our house. She believed that if people find out about our reality, it would hurt our standing in socierty and would eventually hurt the prospects for me and my sister in terms of career and marriage. No one in her family, even her siblings knew what happened behind close doors and we continue to suffer to date. To date, we do things to cover up to the society. Effectively, my mother lives a lie.
I "escaped" home at 16, and moved to a different town to work and study. I took loans from strangers, waited tables, gave tuitions to save money for college. My hard work paid off. After graduating college, I got a phd fellowship in the US. Since my phd, I have worked in many places in the US and Europe. I consider myself sucessfull. Life has taken me places that most people dream of.
But I am in so much pain. Sometime when my wife prepares a good meal for me, I cry. It reminds of the time when my father would snatch dinner from us because he could not afford it. If my daughter wakes up in the night, I rush to her side because I feel someone is going to beat her. Beneath the veneer of success there are (i) unresolved issues from the past, and (ii) fear of my mother's situation.
It has been more than 14 years since I left that hell, but my mother still lives with him. I support them financially, but my mother lives like a slave. He controls the money I send, and continues to "invest" and does not improve my mother's lifestyle. He threatens me at time. The last time I visited, he went to the town centre and threatened to "defame" me publicly.
I have begged my mother to leave him, but she does not. She is scared of what the society will think, or what will happen to my sister. I am unable to live a normal life because of the fear of what might be happening to her. I am always thinking of ways to "resolve" my mother's situation but it is simply not resolvable.
I hate the fact that my mother lives in a place where you have to put a good face to society. Because of her, I have to do the same. Her people-pleasing hurts me every day. I am sick of my mother living a lie, just to keep face. I am also so angry at the "burden" of having to worry about my mother 24/7. At the same time I am fearful of what might happen if people find out. Will they really ostracize us? Will they really talk behind our backs? In the end, does all this really matter?
He beat us if we missed a train and he had to buy a new ticket, if we broke a glass and he had to buy a new one, if my sister or I would get sick and he had to pay the doctor's fee. Once my sister developed a kidney infection and had to be hospitalized. He told the doctor to give her something that would kill her. He went as far as finding a list of foods to avoid during kidney infections, printed off the list, and ordered the doctor to feed that to my sister so she dies.
We lived in a mixed-family household. My aunts and uncles lived with us along with their families. It was a difficult life. We saw our aunts and uncles show affection to their kids, but none was ever shown to us. All kids in the house received gifts on holidays except us. We never demanded or expected any gifts. My father onced beat me up for touching my cousin's holiday gift.
Every time my father got abusive, my mother would lock us up in a room. We would sit on the inside while he threatened to break the door from the outside. The sound of him trying to break door still rings in my mind.
One of our uncles figured out that my father is psychostic. The uncle started taking financial advantage of my father. He began advising him on investments and siphoning money. Eventually, my father started paying almost all his earnings to that uncle. He would ask my mother to feed us once a day, because he could not afford two meals. He would snatch plates from us if he found out we were having an "extra" meal.
Our culture looks down on divorce as a tabboo. Despite having a horrible marriage, my mother kept the reality hidden from the "society", i.e. anyone outside of those who lived in our house. She believed that if people find out about our reality, it would hurt our standing in socierty and would eventually hurt the prospects for me and my sister in terms of career and marriage. No one in her family, even her siblings knew what happened behind close doors and we continue to suffer to date. To date, we do things to cover up to the society. Effectively, my mother lives a lie.
I "escaped" home at 16, and moved to a different town to work and study. I took loans from strangers, waited tables, gave tuitions to save money for college. My hard work paid off. After graduating college, I got a phd fellowship in the US. Since my phd, I have worked in many places in the US and Europe. I consider myself sucessfull. Life has taken me places that most people dream of.
But I am in so much pain. Sometime when my wife prepares a good meal for me, I cry. It reminds of the time when my father would snatch dinner from us because he could not afford it. If my daughter wakes up in the night, I rush to her side because I feel someone is going to beat her. Beneath the veneer of success there are (i) unresolved issues from the past, and (ii) fear of my mother's situation.
It has been more than 14 years since I left that hell, but my mother still lives with him. I support them financially, but my mother lives like a slave. He controls the money I send, and continues to "invest" and does not improve my mother's lifestyle. He threatens me at time. The last time I visited, he went to the town centre and threatened to "defame" me publicly.
I have begged my mother to leave him, but she does not. She is scared of what the society will think, or what will happen to my sister. I am unable to live a normal life because of the fear of what might be happening to her. I am always thinking of ways to "resolve" my mother's situation but it is simply not resolvable.
I hate the fact that my mother lives in a place where you have to put a good face to society. Because of her, I have to do the same. Her people-pleasing hurts me every day. I am sick of my mother living a lie, just to keep face. I am also so angry at the "burden" of having to worry about my mother 24/7. At the same time I am fearful of what might happen if people find out. Will they really ostracize us? Will they really talk behind our backs? In the end, does all this really matter?
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