lina82
Peer Supporter
Today's question to ponder is about when and why I have been overly critical to myself. This isn't anything new to me, I know that I have very high demands on myself and that I'm treating myself like a person that always have to get everything right. I wish I could develop more mercy towards myself. I have early developed an identity as a girl that can do anything and that always does "the right thing". I have a problem with letting myself being just a human being with all the imperfections that come with it.
When thinking about how I have critized myself lately I found three quite interesting personalities in myself:
1. I have an inner personality that I call "The Timekeeper". Also today's journaling made this clear for me. I am a person that feels much and that need time to adjust to new situation. My inner timekeeper doesn't let me to do so. An example is that I ten years ago suddenly lost my grandmother, my aunt and my cousin (all of them had also been my neighbours, so we were very close) to cancer and suicide within three years. During that time I also separated from my boyfriend that I had had for 5 years. I realize now that a part of my problem with pushing emotions down is that I let myself feel my feelings, but only for a limited time (for example "as long as is normal", "as long as everybody else seem to do so", "as long as grown up people grief"). I haven't listened to myself and for how long I need to for example grief, but have instead decided that "Ok, enough now. Now you go on with your life.". The timekeeper has treated my inner child quite harshly in this matter. I think that if I would just be allowed, by the timekeeper, to feel what I feel as long as I feel it the feeling would with time evolve into something else.
So, I'm gonna try to notice when it is The Timekeeper speaking in the future and question if he really has the right to measure my emotions.
2. I also found out that I have a quite annoying inner old lady (as I see her
) that I call The Reminder. She has an irritating, sharp voice that reminds me about everything that can go wrong in different situations and sometimes she follows me right behind my back, nagging: "Remember that you might get pain", "remember that you might lose that job" and so on. She has actually quite much in common with my mother, who often reminds me about everything that could go wrong - out of her own worrying I guess.
I will try to not let The Reminder make me worried. I read somewhere that one way of dealing with these kinds of inner irritation personalities is to give them a very silly (and small, almost cartoon-like) voice and I will try that. I guess it's harder to take it all seriously then.
3. My third and last inner personality that I found out about today is "The Judge". There is a part of my that is overly aware of morals, of what is GOOD and what is BAD, what you SHOULD and what you SHOULD NOT. It gives me the image of a very strict priest from old times that preaches about SIN and HELL and has no mercy for sinners... It's very important to me - too important - to be a good person, to not treat other people badly, to turn the other cheak (I shouldn't have done that when I was bullied in school...), to be nice and polite and smiley all the time.
I'm not surprised if my body starts to make a revolt about this bunch of people constantly terrorizing me from the inside (even though they have calmed down a bit the last years). Lately I have been feeling so angry with everyone around me, wanting to shout "Leave me alone! Stop expecting so much about me all the time! Stop nagging at me!". I guess it's really to myself I should be shouting that - or more exactly to these dysfunctional parts of my self . It feels like some of these personalities are so strong so that it doesn't do it to just kindly ask them to stop...
So - maybe what is going on in me is a revolution? The Timekeeper, The Reminder and The Judge should give up their power for new rulers with a better agenda... I will try to make the shift of power as peaceful as possible... It's really about leadership. I am an artist and a teacher myself and I've lectured about leadership - maybe it's time to really look at what kind of leadership I would like for myself? What kind of boss do I want?
When thinking about how I have critized myself lately I found three quite interesting personalities in myself:
1. I have an inner personality that I call "The Timekeeper". Also today's journaling made this clear for me. I am a person that feels much and that need time to adjust to new situation. My inner timekeeper doesn't let me to do so. An example is that I ten years ago suddenly lost my grandmother, my aunt and my cousin (all of them had also been my neighbours, so we were very close) to cancer and suicide within three years. During that time I also separated from my boyfriend that I had had for 5 years. I realize now that a part of my problem with pushing emotions down is that I let myself feel my feelings, but only for a limited time (for example "as long as is normal", "as long as everybody else seem to do so", "as long as grown up people grief"). I haven't listened to myself and for how long I need to for example grief, but have instead decided that "Ok, enough now. Now you go on with your life.". The timekeeper has treated my inner child quite harshly in this matter. I think that if I would just be allowed, by the timekeeper, to feel what I feel as long as I feel it the feeling would with time evolve into something else.
So, I'm gonna try to notice when it is The Timekeeper speaking in the future and question if he really has the right to measure my emotions.
2. I also found out that I have a quite annoying inner old lady (as I see her
) that I call The Reminder. She has an irritating, sharp voice that reminds me about everything that can go wrong in different situations and sometimes she follows me right behind my back, nagging: "Remember that you might get pain", "remember that you might lose that job" and so on. She has actually quite much in common with my mother, who often reminds me about everything that could go wrong - out of her own worrying I guess.I will try to not let The Reminder make me worried. I read somewhere that one way of dealing with these kinds of inner irritation personalities is to give them a very silly (and small, almost cartoon-like) voice and I will try that. I guess it's harder to take it all seriously then.
3. My third and last inner personality that I found out about today is "The Judge". There is a part of my that is overly aware of morals, of what is GOOD and what is BAD, what you SHOULD and what you SHOULD NOT. It gives me the image of a very strict priest from old times that preaches about SIN and HELL and has no mercy for sinners... It's very important to me - too important - to be a good person, to not treat other people badly, to turn the other cheak (I shouldn't have done that when I was bullied in school...), to be nice and polite and smiley all the time.
I'm not surprised if my body starts to make a revolt about this bunch of people constantly terrorizing me from the inside (even though they have calmed down a bit the last years). Lately I have been feeling so angry with everyone around me, wanting to shout "Leave me alone! Stop expecting so much about me all the time! Stop nagging at me!". I guess it's really to myself I should be shouting that - or more exactly to these dysfunctional parts of my self . It feels like some of these personalities are so strong so that it doesn't do it to just kindly ask them to stop...
So - maybe what is going on in me is a revolution? The Timekeeper, The Reminder and The Judge should give up their power for new rulers with a better agenda... I will try to make the shift of power as peaceful as possible... It's really about leadership. I am an artist and a teacher myself and I've lectured about leadership - maybe it's time to really look at what kind of leadership I would like for myself? What kind of boss do I want?
